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In Distraction 2004

November 01, 2004

CREAM's List

Reverse Vote Swappers may have heard of EMILY's List, a fundraising organization dedicated to providing free cash for women Democrats who aren't necessarily completely hostile to abortion (sorry, choice). Among such women's rights crusaders EMILY's List has assisted are Inez Tenenbaum, who supports a late-term abortion ban; Betty Castor, who supports a late-term abortion ban; and Stephanie Herseth, who supports a late-term abortion ban.

Given who EMILY's List blows its wad on, you may be thinking, "Dang, this EMILY must be one giant sucker." But you'd be wrong, since EMILY isn't a person at all! It's just an acronym for Early Money Is Like Yeast, an old feminist slogan which expresses the wisdom that, with enough cash, even a woman can win an election.

Now, EMILY's List hasn't been a particular success in terms of Democratic control of government, but it has been very effective at squeezing the cheese out of liberals--the very political formula pioneered by Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe. Naturally, the Chairman took note of EMILY's List and did the ladies one better with his bold new initiative: CREAM's List. Inside sources bankrolled by ReverseVoteSwap.org have obtained the Chairman's introductory letter to potential CREAM's List donors, which we are duty-bound to pass on to our loyal customers.

Chairman Terry McAuliffe Introduces CREAM's List

Friends, it is my honor as Chairman of the Democratic Party--the second-most popular political party in America--to introduce CREAM's List, a revolutionary new approach to fundraising that builds a bridge to the 21st century with traditional New Democrat values.

Friends, these days we know that "high-class taste niggaz got to spend paper." Study after study shows that voters are increasingly aware of candidates' personal bling vectors--and that it influences their choices at the ballot box. Cash rules everything around us, and Democrats must stay competitive in this area.

Friends, I am happy to report that, under my iron rule as Chairman, not only have we elevated more individual millionaires to public office, but the five richest Senators are all Democrats. Senator John Kerry, who has an almost 50% chance of becoming the next President, is over six times as wealthy as the nearest Republican Senator.

These are wonderful achievements, but we must not become complacent in our success. During the Party primary, Senator Kerry was, at times, forced to put up his personal shit as collateral for his campaign debts. Of course the Senator's mansions, cars, boats, planes, and whatnot are safe now--but that they were ever in danger is totally unacceptable. How would Democrats fare in the national bling-off if our candidate were to roll up in his ride with factory-installed, and not custom gold-plated, rims? What would the Senator's supporters think if he could not provide champagne with diamonds in the glass at his Beacon Hill soirees? It would mean nothing less than a complete collapse of confidence in the Party and the disintegration of the two-party system, opening the door to no-class scrubs like Ralph Nader.

It is to stave off this looming threat that I have started CREAM's List. The mission of CREAM's List is to provide generous funding to Democratic candidates who are already extremely wealthy. Filthy-rich politicians often find it difficult to raise money due to the crude yet effective rhetoric of player-haters; furthermore, they are tempted to dip into their own funds, having more than enough to satisfy their every material desire. But not even the blingiest individual could afford today's modern, zillion-dollar political campaigns without damaging their own personal largesse.

Friends, CREAM's List is an important weapon in our war to cleanse the Democratic Party of its traditional association with thug-like unionists, terrifying Blacks, hairy-armpit feminists, and other grody elements. Your support is crucial--please donate today!

Dollar dollar bill y'all,
Terry McAuliffe
Chairman, Democratic National Committee

Posted by convener at November 1, 2004 07:19 PM