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In Distraction 2004

November 01, 2004

Rogue State Rulers: Act Crazy for Safety!

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to put aside the partisan politics for a second and address ourselves to the leaders of the international community, especially the so-called "rogue states." Gentlemen (and ladies, if there are any), you are in grave danger. ReverseVoteSwap.org may not particularly like you or what you do, but the only people in the world who would become less oppressed by replacing the local police with American soldiers are Americans. Unfortunately, despite the herculean efforts of Ralph Nader and our website, it is quite likely that the United States will end up with another lunatic imperialist in the White House until at least 2008. World leaders and foreign despots, you must take your security into your own hands: act crazy for safety!

All history, especially recent history, has shown that the only way to beat America is to either be crazy or make America think you're crazy. Muammar al-Qaddafi and Kim Jong-il have kept their countries safe from invasion by acting so nuts that they make the Empire afraid. On the other hand, Saddam Hussein is puttering around some undisclosed location as his reward for destroying all his evil weapons, letting international inspectors into Iraq, and in general relying upon civilized standards of diplomatic behavior.

Now at this point you might be saying to yourself, "But I'm merely the dictator of some tiny, impoverished country! I have neither the money nor the connections to acquire weapons of mass destruction!" First of all, we advise you to think creatively about where you might purchase WMD. Have you tried the United States? As a rule, the US only declares someone an enemy six to eight months before trying to destroy them, and will cheerfully sell you anything before then.

Secondly, keep in mind that international relations are mainly a matter of image management. If you project the proper idiom, the fact that you actually possess no WMD will hardly be an important factor. (Since the American government will likely be trying to convince the American people you have WMD no matter what, you may as well roll with it.) You should be extremely careless and zany about threatening to use these weapons for any or no reason. To assist you, ReverseVoteSwap.org has designed the following press conference role play that should give you a sense of how to proceed.

"Act Crazy for Safety"

[First impressions are important. Develop an arrogant strut that you can employ on your way to the podium. Military uniforms with piles of medals are a must, but add a bit of personal flair that makes you look crazy; a boa is a nice touch.]

'Sup fools. Before we set this bitch off, I'd like to announce that my government has acquired the following shit: VX gas, sarin gas, influenza strains, anthrax spores, chicken pox, cow pox, smallpox, bigpox, Botox, A-bombs, H-bombs, and Q-bombs. Oh snap, that last one was supposed to be secret. Oh well, ask me some shit.

Mr. President, the US State Department has identified your government as a major sponsor of international terrorism--


...uh, well, I was going to ask for your response...

Yeah I give money to terrorists, so what? Anyone who fucks with America is my boy. I'm givin' money to Osama, Al-Gama'a, the Dalai Lama, I don't give a fuck! I dare America to invade my shit. Your kids'll be findin' SARS fun-packs in their Happy Meals next damn week. You know how we do! Next question.

Mr. President, how do you respond to the reports that you've used poison gas against your citizens?

Yeah I gas my own people, so what? I'll gas you for pissin' me off. I'll gas all y'all stinkin' asses. I'll gas my damn self! Y'all don't KNOW me. Next question.

Mr. President, two questions--

Oh, this motherfucker already playin' on my nerves.

--firstly, will you allow UN weapons inspectors into the country? Secondly, how would you retaliate against a US military force?

To answer your first question, next motherfucker who asks me two questions is gettin' gassed. To answer your second question, look at all this bling on my chest, ya blind-ass punk. And we don't give no Purple Hearts an' shit. You have to give a medal back if your stupid ass get shot. Next question.

Sir, just to be clear, are you threatening to use weapons of mass destruction against the United States if they pursue military action against you?

Hell yeah. NOW what?!

So you admit that you possess weapons of mass destruction?

Damn son, I just TOLD you I did! You think I'm playin' around? Right now we got a room full of crazy-ass scientists like...puttin' yellow cake in aluminum tubes an' shit...refinin' shit...mushroom clouds....

Next question.

Mr. President, do you have a message to the American people?

Word. Dear America: when's the last time you thought about killer bees? You thought that shit was over, right? Heh. Now, I'm not saying we've done some weird shit to killer bees, but I'm also not saying that we haven't done some weird shit to killer bees. So if your army comes to fuck with us, and then coincidentally like a million bees go on the swarm, stingin' people, killin' people--well, you can put two an' two together. Peace OUT!

Posted by convener at November 1, 2004 07:23 AM