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In Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

November 15, 2004

We Belong at Applebee's!

Hi guys, it's the Hysterical Liberal. I know I haven't done a column in a while, but this whole election thing has been...just really hard, you know? I mean, I'm pretty good at separating politics from my personal life, but I just feel like, by electing Bush, Americans are showing how much they want to hurt me, my friends, and my pets. At one particularly dark moment, I even put my head in the oven. Fortunately I have an electric oven, but I did singe my ponytail and left ear.

So I was feeling pretty down until I heard the awesome news that KERRY MIGHT UNCONCEDE! WAY TO GO JOHN!!! I always knew Kerry was a true fighter! I know some of you might be skeptical of a story hosted on a blog, but I have received confirmation from several other blogs. So this election's not over yet! That, along with some amateur talk therapy with my platonic life-partner, raised my spirits enough for another column! So please Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

Man, this country's going down the crapper, and I wanted to do something about it. All my liberal friends told me to vote for Kerry, even though Ralph Nader was the only candidate who took the right positions, or even took any positions, period. They said the number one thing was to beat Bush. Now Bush won, the Democrats are trying to be more like him, and I didn't even get to vote for what I believed in. Shouldn't I have voted for Nader instead?
--Paul in Pueblo

No way! All that would have done is increase Bush's mandate. When the Republicans look at the number of Nader votes, they just think, "Oh, here's a bunch of people who are unpragmatic, uncompromising, and unwilling to work patiently inside the system. Let's roll!" It's clear that Nader really doesn't understand how to win social change. While he was off running his vanity campaign, true progressives like James Carville toiled in obscurity. And if Nader was truly concerned about democracy, he would be looking into all these vote fraud scandals!

Sorry to interrupt, but that is actually what he's doing.

Look, I don't want to get into an argument with you guys about Nader, OK? I think we can all agree that Nader is a sort of political suicide bomber. I respect that you support suicide bombers, I'm respectful of all opinions. Let's end the discussion on that positive note, OK?

Hysterical Liberal, I've been thinking that maybe elections aren't the most important way to make social change. I want to get involved in some grassroots activism. What should I do?
--Dave in Dallas

Don't give up hope in our democracy, Dave! Every important change in this country has come through voting, assuming you vote for Democrats! If the civil rights movement had concentrated on getting out the vote for Kennedy and Johnson, they would have had a bigger mandate and could have passed civil rights legislation sooner (which they secretly wanted to do all along, but they had to hide it in order to win the South). Besides, "grassroots" groups often have a hard time staying on message and relating to swing voters. They tend to meet in left-wing cloisters like churches, independent cafes, or universities instead of mainstream community centers like Applebee's or the sports stadium. Remember, 2006 is just around the corner--you can start getting out the vote right now (but please clear anything you say with the DNC first)!

I met this really cool guy a couple of weeks ago, and we've been seeing a lot of each other. We like a lot of the same stuff and communicate really well. But the other day I found out that he's from a Red State! Should I break it off now?
--Connie in Connecticut

Hmm, this is a tough one! People used to say there were "two Americas" in terms of rich and poor, but now we know that the real chasm is between the more politically-conscious Blue States and the more ignorant Red States. I think most columns would tell you to dump the hick, but I really feel like it's important for us to help uplift the less fortunate. Here's a simple three-step process you can use to evolve him in a positive direction!

  1. Red State men like their women simple-minded and submissive. You'll need to act that way in order to relate to his moral values framework.
  2. If your Blue State friends express resentment at your new personality, tell them that you're just acting ignorant in order to win the Red State guy's trust, while secretly pursuing a more enlightened agenda.
  3. Let several months pass. Then, at the first sign of your Red State beau not doing as you would like, come down on him in the hardest, most insulting way possible.
That ought to do the trick!

Posted by convener at November 15, 2004 12:45 AM