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In Which Way Backward for the Democratic Party?

July 22, 2005

HRC: Sex Harmful for Children, Other Living Things

Loyal ReverseVoteSwap.org readers have doubtless already seen our detailed analysis of the junior Senator from New York's ongoing campaign for the 2008 presidential election, which apparently began circa 1999. HRC, proving that she can triangulate with the best of them, has picked a political strategy that is particularly nuanced. Rather than attacking the GOP on the war, the PATRIOT Act, or draconian budget cuts, Clinton has decided to go after the real bread-and-butter issues, such as flag burning and sex in video games. This sort of moral crusade has a proven track record, as we can all recall how it rocketed Tipper Gore from useless nobody to universally hated somebody.

But just how will this strategy fare for Clinton? The issues for parents are clear-cut: the PC version of the popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" carries the rating "M" and therefore cannot be sold to persons under the age of 17. However, a complicated process involving the modification of computer code can reveal a hidden scene within the game featuring sexual content that would normally be restricted to adults age 18 and over.

Clinton is doing her best to make a political mountain out of this molehill, so that she might better stand on the top of it. But how will this strategy fare? Our guess is that it will resonate with exactly nobody, with a one percent margin of error either way. This waste of time should at least provide some entertainment for loyal ReverseVoteSwappers. We present to you HRC's recent press conference remarks, in which she discussed this key issue.

PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT 7/15/05

As a parent, I can understand the horror that parents across this, most glorious of all nations, must be going through. We parents struggle each and every day to keep our precious children sheltered from damaging knowledge about basic biology. We expect to have to do battle against Hollywood, public schools, and our spouses, but video games? Truly, this is a dangerous time, when digital terrorists would threaten, for the first time ever, to pipe inappropriate images into our homes.

Whatever happened to the video games of yore? Video games are supposed to be about crushing turtles underfoot and gaining power by injesting mushrooms. Something must be done. Someone must think of the children.

"Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" is the most egregious example of the current crop of predatory video games, eating away at the family and posing a threat to our children equal to the specter of gay marriage. Suddenly, that miniscule number of "GTA: San Andreas" players just shy of their 18th birthday who did not purchase the game for their Playstation or Xbox and who are savvy enough to unlock the hidden content will be exposed to low-quality digital representations of things they've probably already done, or if not, have known about since they were 11. Something must be done!

These children between the ages of 17 and 18 must be given more productive opportunities. For instance, serving their nation overseas could protect them from sex and violence. Or, they could "just say no" to these dangerous smut purveyors who would steal their innocence.

That is why I am demanding that the Senate drop all of its other business and initiate an investigation into this dangerous trend. I will not back down, even if I am the only one taking on the Palo Alto cronies. The good citizens of this great nation will remember in a future November. I will not be taking questions today, as there can be no rest in the war against the terror of dangerous, highly pixellated, marginally interesting, difficult to obtain imagery of a sexual nature.

Posted by convener at July 22, 2005 01:01 PM