April 01, 2005

ACTION ALERT: Demand Media Circus to Save Pope!

Friends, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God--colloquially, the fuckin' Pope--is near death. Catholic doctrine teaches us that death is the Superlative Spooky of human existence, when St. Peter reviews the record of one's personal transgressions and almost surely condemns one to eternal damnation, inasmuch as two millenia worth of Catholicism have rendered almost everything a sin. Thus it is imperative to extend biological life to the maximum extent possible--only in this way can one get the edge on God.

We're all aware of how John Paul courageously intervened in the case of Terri Schiavo, a person about whom he knew nothing, to keep her alive for many more years of vegetative food-consumption. That didn't pan out, but we here at ReverseVoteSwap.org are determined to return the favor.

We are asking all our loyal readers to send the following letter to your Senators and Representative. Together with politicians and media desperate not to talk about a nation going down the tubes, we can save the Pope!

Dear Sir or, Rarely, Madam:

The Pope, who commands the ca$h money and votes of a billion Catholics, is dying from complications of being extremely, extremely old. This is not natural! Why isn't the Congress doing more?

News agencies report that the Pope is being fed through a nose tube. Could not more tubes be inserted into the Supreme Pontiff to guarantee his continued existence? Why aren't the other bodily holes being utilized: the navel, the anus, the newly-installed throat-hole, etc? As political leaders of a modern republic, do you not believe in miracles, magic elixers, extraterrestrial assistance, and the restorative power of water drunk directly from the Holy Grail? For shame!

I demand, as your constituent, that you immediately take steps to initiate a crazy media circus to rally all the crazies to defend the Culture of Bare Physiological Existence.

[Your Name Here]
Supporter, League for a ReverseVoteSwap.org

Posted by convener at 04:42 PM

August 18, 2005

A Story You May Have Missed

August, usually a slow news month, has been packed with excitement this time around, especially with various Zionophilic organs making much hay out of Israel's strategic relocation of a bunch of settlers from land they swiped in Gaza to land they're about to swipe in the West Bank. As a result, some pretty interesting news is falling through the cracks. We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org were particularly fascinated by a piece that we reproduce below.

Anguish as Car Thieves Forced to Give Up Favorite Cars

LOS ANGELES -- The decision by the heads of the city's leading auto theft ring to repaint and resell some of the small-time hoods' favorite cars has provoked much anguish and soul-searching among some of the nation's most dedicated thieves.

"This is disgraceful," said one gangster. "I've driven this car for several days, and it's a part of my spiritual being. The people I stole it from, they were just animals, they didn't know how to use a car properly. For instance, I installed those fuzzy dice myself."

At one repaint shop, a thief became so agitated that he obtained a gun and shot three commuters. A prominent mafia-linked novelist called this a "profound expression of the deep emotional crisis the thieving world is undergoing."

He added that he expected to see a new outburst of poetry, essay, song, and visual art from the gangland community exploring their feelings of loss and dislocation.

Victims of auto theft were not considered important enough to be reached for comment.

Posted by convener at 11:51 AM