ReverseVoteSwap.org

RVS.org Guide: How to Read Police Reports

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless already be familiar with and outraged by the police murder of Jean Charles de Menezes, a young Brazilian man gunned down in a subway car during the current wave of racist hysteria in the aftermath of the London transport bombings. As though the initial reports were not disgusting enough, it is now clear that almost every detail within these reports was a police fabrication.

Pragmatic ReverseVoteSwappers, of course, know better than trust the words of racist cops trying to protect their own asses. It can still be difficult at times to wade through the various layers of police misdirection, obfuscation, and bullshit. Therefore we offer the following translation guide, so that next time an innocent person is gunned down on either side of the Atlantic, our readers will immediately be able to assemble the facts without waiting the requisite five to six weeks before the truth is actually published.]]> The ReverseVoteSwap.org Guide To...Reading Police Reports Cop sez: "The suspect was linked to an ongoing terror investigation."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect was uncooperative."
Translation: "The guy rolled around while we were kicking him, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "The suspect was wearing a bulky, winter-style parka, which fits the profile of a suicide bomber."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect seemed agitated."
Translation: "We were beating the guy."

Cop sez: "We were unable to immediately positively ID the suspect."
Translation: "I had to take a piss, so we weren't really paying attention, but then we saw this guy and figured he'd do."

Cop sez: "Suspect seemed to be driving erratically."
Translation: "I saw a non-white driver, which immediately aroused my suspicions."

Cop sez: "The suspect was verbally hostile."
Translation: "The arrestee asked us to follow legal police procedures, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "We had to make a split-second decision."
Translation: "We felt bored after just following the guy and wanted to kick it up a notch."

Cop sez: "The incident is under internal investigation."
Translation: "It'll take more than the usual whoppers to get us out of this one."

Cop sez: "We put our lives on the line every day."
Translation: "We are constantly armed and will shoot anyone who makes us jumpy."

A Story You May Have Missed

August, usually a slow news month, has been packed with excitement this time around, especially with various Zionophilic organs making much hay out of Israel's strategic relocation of a bunch of settlers from land they swiped in Gaza to land they're about to swipe in the West Bank. As a result, some pretty interesting news is falling through the cracks. We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org were particularly fascinated by a piece that we reproduce below.]]> Anguish as Car Thieves Forced to Give Up Favorite Cars LOS ANGELES -- The decision by the heads of the city's leading auto theft ring to repaint and resell some of the small-time hoods' favorite cars has provoked much anguish and soul-searching among some of the nation's most dedicated thieves.

"This is disgraceful," said one gangster. "I've driven this car for several days, and it's a part of my spiritual being. The people I stole it from, they were just animals, they didn't know how to use a car properly. For instance, I installed those fuzzy dice myself."

At one repaint shop, a thief became so agitated that he obtained a gun and shot three commuters. A prominent mafia-linked novelist called this a "profound expression of the deep emotional crisis the thieving world is undergoing."

He added that he expected to see a new outburst of poetry, essay, song, and visual art from the gangland community exploring their feelings of loss and dislocation.

Victims of auto theft were not considered important enough to be reached for comment.

C&RC: "Defend Iraq from Militant Christianism"

[The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the looming threat of fundamentalism in post-Saddam Iraq.]

Everyone wants a democratic and secular Iraq, in which all forms of religious expression are accepted and tolerated by the state, up to and including the most crazy-ass ones. The realization of this dream, however, seems less rather than more likely as the occupation continues. The post-Saddam government of Iraq, rather than representing the full diversity of religious belief throughout the nation, is dominated by a single ideology of extremism.]]> Although the majority of Iraqis declare themselves to be simply "Muslim" without referring to any one branch or another, the authority of state power and the control of military forces within Iraq is dominated utterly by extremist, militant Christianism.

Bush himself, who, as US Emperator, holds Iraq as his personal fiefdom and pleasure colony, subscribes to a shadowy branch of Christianism known as Methodism. An offshoot of the Church of England, early Methodists were renowned for their fanaticism and intense desire to convert the hapless masses to their ascetic and narrow Christianist Methods.

Despite the passage of centuries, contemporary Christianists are united in their extremist beliefs. Some Christianists are rumored to ritualistically consume small amounts of transubstantiated blood on a weekly basis, although this has not been confirmed and is a controversial claim. But Christianists are quite open about their political aims, if not their mysterious ceremonies. They seek to hold women in permanent subservience to their husbands. They seek to eliminate all references to biology (particularly human physiology) from the education systems within nations under their control. They seek to remove any vestiges of modern infrastructure so that they might refer all financial and welfare questions to the purview of autocratic religious officials.

Truly, these are dangerous extremists. Their domination over US society is nearly complete; it is our duty in the belly of the beast to to prevent these dangerous Christianists from inflicting similar misfortunes on the Middle East.

There is only one way to prevent yet another nation from falling under the domination of this dark ideology: Cut and run, y'all!

C&RC Announces "America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home"

[ReverseVoteSwap.org is pleased to support the following initiative by the Cut & Run Caucus.]

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently announced a America Supports You Freedom Walk on September 11, 2005. This march--sorry, "freedom walk"--will commemorate the fact that, since 9/11, Americans have been getting violently killed at an unusually high rate, even by American standards. The Cut & Run Caucus can appreciate the sentiment behind such an event, but we feel that it's ultimately not in keeping with the prevailing national mood, which is dominated by feelings of defeat and self-hatred. Inasmuch as such feelings encourage Americans to cut and run, they are the road to national salvation, and must be encouraged.

The C&RC is therefore proud to announce the AMERICA IS FUCKED OCCUPATION STAY-HOME! Read on for the exciting details!]]> About the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home What is the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home (AIFOSH)?

The AIFOSH is an event on September 11 that allows us to commemorate how fucked America is and has been since 9/11--maybe even earlier--and reflect on how to get ourselves out of all this shit.

What is the AIFOSH route?

AIFOSH participants will gather at their individual homes and, in a massive show of national ennui, stay there. In an extra display of solidarity, try not to change out of your pajamas.

Who is supporting the AIFOSH?

The Cut & Run Caucus
ReverseVoteSwap.org
www.ReverseVoteSwap.org
http://www.ReverseVoteSwap.org
The Liberal Media (oh snap!)
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (invited)

Why is the Cut & Run Caucus organizing this event?

As we watched the attacks of 9/11 unfold, all Americans were united in thinking: "We must find the people who are behind this terrible act, and give those mofos whatever they want! Oh shit!" Sadly, these courageous feelings of surrender were manipulated by warmongering politicians, and the country was drawn into a war with these mofos who are like serious. With the AIFOSH we hope to recapture that 9/11 sense of capitulationist panic, but tempered with the cool malaise that only four years of continuous, losing war can bring.

What is the message of the AIFOSH?

We're hoping to convey the following powerful messages:

America is fucked.
America's military men and women are even more fucked than the rest of America generally.
Cut and run, y'all!

Parents: The Anti-Islamo-Fascism

[Sorry folks, another paid message from the Department of Homeland Security. High-class taste bloggers got to spend paper!]

Nothing is more devastating to a parent than to lose a child to militant Islam. However, many parents are not trained to spot the signs of experimentation with Islamo-fascism, or are uncertain of how to confront their child about it. The Department of Homeland Security, based on the smashing success of other government programs, has developed this guide to help. Remember, defending the Homeland begins...at home!]]> Is Your Teen a Jihadi? Take the Quiz! Do you find that your teen:

Has started hanging out with brown-skinned people?
Has suspicious grooming habits, such as wearing a light jacket?
Has lost interest in Western cultural staples like Joey or the marches of John Philip Sousa?
Is reluctant to attend church, Sunday School, choir practice, Bible camp, and other normal activities?
Uses secretive, non-American languages?

Have you found:

Evidence of bomb paraphenalia such as alarm clocks, electronic devices, or common household chemicals?
(For Boys) Evidence of facial hair?
(For Girls) Evidence of hats, scarves, or other burqa precursor materials?

If you answered YES to some or none of these questions, your child could very well be possibly getting involved with Arab terrorist extremism maybe!

Mujahideen Lingo: Know What To Listen For

Have you ever heard your teenager reference a specific time and place, for example, "Meet me at the bus stop at 4:20?" Many parents don't realize that appointments are often "secret code" for coordinated suicide bombings. If you hear your teenage arrange a meeting with someone, call him on it. Let him know you know what he's talking about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s no tolerance policy for martyrdom operations. You should also be aware of street terms for terrorist materials such as cake, package, tube, powder, and Allah.

Confronting Your Teen Islamo-Fascist

Here is a suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.

PARENT: I love you and I’m concerned about you.

TEEN: Jigga wha?

P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me and report me to the al-Qaeda.

T: Jigga who?

P: Stop saying "jigga" all the time, damn it! Now where was I? Oh yeah: I'm pretty sure you are experimenting with Wahhabism. I’m going to ask you to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.

T: Ji--uh, I mean, nothing.

P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye with me, but I see I have to "smoke you out of your hole."

T: Why?

P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you, and America, are safe. Your sympathy with fundamentalist strains of Islam puts our way of life at risk.

T: At risk how?

P: If your terrorist friends were to win, we would lose our strategic foothold in the Middle East, and possibly even in the Central Asian states! This would force American capital to obtain key energy resources without the advantages of implied or direct military power, in equal competition with other world capital formations.

T: Well, that doesn't seem too unfair...

P: Wow, I can see now that I should have acted much sooner. We are rolling back your social life until we can be sure you are no longer a Muslim. Also, you'll now be forced to sleep standing up and wearing a burlap hood.

T: That is so stupid. You can’t!

P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are healthy and patriotic. We don’t believe you can be your best if you subscribe to the teachings of Sayyid Qutb, so we are going to help you to stay away from them until we are sure you can help yourself.

C&RC: Advice for Immigrants on Whitey-Avoidance

The Cut & Run Caucus, upon learning of the recent subway execution of Brazilian Jean-Charles Menezes by London cops, experienced the same range of emotions felt by all sensible people the world over: intense anger, profound sorrow, and a deep sense of holy fucking shit they shot him eight times!

Much has been made of the fact that Menezes was in Britain on an expired student visa, as though this bit of useless information made the punishment fit the crime. This horrific murder of an innocent immigrant signals increased scrutiny of those in Britain and the US on student visas. As we have said before, given that the majority of competent individuals residing in the US are foreign-born, attacks against immigrants threaten to fuck up the shit of the very fabric of the nation.

Therefore, the Cut & Run Caucus would like to offer a a preview of our forthcoming primer for immigrants, particularly those on student visas, so that their stays in the US might be as terror-free as reasonably possible. Of course, these are only safety precautions, not solutions. Attacks on immigrants will continue until the US finally decides to cut and run the hell out of Iraq.

Cut and run, y'all!]]> Preview: "The Cut & Run Caucus Guide for Immigrants Enduring Life in the US"

From the Introduction

Greetings, immigrants! Doubtless, numerous whites have told you that this is a land of freedom, opportunity, and tolerance. Sensibly, you ignored these statements, and have spent your time in the US keeping your head down, struggling to support your family, and doing your level best to avoid whitey and his strange, unprovoked wrath. We hope that this guidebook can provide you with some valuable assistance in this area.

First, a note about whitey. You have most likely developed the impression that US whites are a bunch of gun-toting sociopaths. This is a healthy impression, and we will not attempt to dissuade you of it. However, you should know that in truth, most white Americans are just distressed, hapless people, incapable of any real harm. (We suggest watching 80s hip hop videos for an accurate representation of US whites.) Knowing this, though, will not keep you any safer, which is why this guidebook is so important.

Advice Regarding Interactions With the Local Bacon

Of course, as you already know, the po-po should be avoided at all costs. This is simply basic common sense. These are just some things to keep in mind on the off chance that you do find yourself nose to nose with one of these goons.

No sudden movements. They're likely drunk, and can get confused by quick gestures.
They have a terrible time with verbal communication. Therefore, slow your speech, and be sure to speak loudly. It's also not a bad idea to always carry the means for non-verbal communication in case you find yourself dealing with a particularly dumb specimen. A pad of paper for stick figure drawings, a simple puppet stage, or Etch-a-Sketch will all do nicely.
Remember: Cops know absolutely nothing about the law. That is why, it all likelihood, the first question a cop will ask you will be, "Uhh, are you allowed to do that?" Cop authority, rather than being legally based, has complicated tribal origins. To a cop, the only thing that matters is the question of whose balls are being busted. Hence a cop will say either, "Listen, I'm not tryin' to bust your balls," or "Why you tryin' to bust my balls?" if you try to explain yourself.
Avoid eye contact. In cop society, eye contact is interpreted as part of a complex, primitive ritual. If you make eye contact, cops will assume that you are trying to fight over a potential mate or donut. Hence if eye contact is made, avert your gaze and let the cop know, slowly and loudly, that you are by no means interested in busting his balls.

Things to Remember While Using US Public Transport

Nothing. US mass-transit is an urban legend.

Odds and Ends

Anything in the US labeled "World's Greatest" or "World Champion" or "International Sensation" can be assumed to mean "decent by American standards."

Don't drink the water! Many a tourist and immigrant has suffered greatly and developed what is often labeled "Carnegie's Revenge." Water in US cities lead-filled to the point that you can usually taste it. Rural water supplies, while often tastier, are generally full of pesticides. Stick to imported Perrier just to be safe!

In case martial law is declared, be sure to always know the location of the nearest Cuban or Venezuelan embassy.

The US is filled with vicious gangs, which are involved in all manner of criminal enterprise: brainwashing, graft, and child prostitution in particular. Stay safe--steer clear of Catholic churches and related entities! (Immigrants from Catholic countries will already know about this one.)

Ask a Judge Roberts!

There is, perhaps, no greater addition to a politician's arsenal of ways to tastefully ignore his constituents than email. At least a diligent citizen can stuff a handful of anthrax in a physical letter when he wishes to underline his point--the worst that can be transmitted via email is a computer virus, which one suspects the average US elected official, always concerned to get the best deals on Viagra or the sweetest cuts on Nigerian bank transfers, already possesses in spades.

The latest act in this political sideshow is the Senate Democrats' Ask John Roberts page. The idea is that YOU, the lowly netizen, can ask some intern to ask some staffer to ask some Senator to ask John Roberts a question! How antidisenfranchising! Of course we at ReverseVoteSwap.org are inclined to believe that by the time a serious question makes it up that totem pole, your "why the hell did you let the fucking cops get away with handcuffing a little girl for eating a french fry on the subway?" will become something like "I think I love you, so what are you so afraid of?"

But let it not be said that RVS.org looks askance at any opportunity for political dialogue, even the most sub-stupid. We enthusiastically encourage our loyal readers to submit questions for Roberts to the Senate Dems--and we've even provided some samples below!]]> Ask a Judge Roberts! Dear Judge Roberts:
What would you and the Republicans do if the Democrats weren't the sort of spineless losers who have already more or less agreed to confirm you without a fight, as evidenced by the sorry-ass website to which I am currently posting?

Dear Judge Roberts:
I have three related questions.

Who's your housekeeper?
And what you keep in your house?
What about diamonds and gold, is that what you keep in your mouf?

Dear Judge Roberts:
On a scale of 8 to 10, how gay would you say you are?

Dear Judge Roberts:
Your son was photographed performing a charming dance during your announcement of your nomination to the Supreme Court. Would deadly force be justifiable in this situation, or is mere tazing adequate?

Dear Judge Roberts:
What if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered? Wouldn't that be crazy???

Dear Judge Roberts:
Assuming such a threshold exists, how much worse than you will it have to get before the Democrats do something?

Dear Judge Roberts:
How is it that you manage to perch what appears to be an Oriental small-clawed otter so stably on your obviously hairless pate? Also, does this make your head legally a protected habitat?

C&RC on the John Roberts Nomination

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the Roberts nomination.

Cut & Run Caucus on the John Roberts Nomination:
"America Is Not Ready for Such a White Justice"

The Cut & Run Caucus was deeply disturbed to learn of President Bush's nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Of course he is a political nightmare, but that would hardly phase us; what is most troubling is his unbelievable whiteness. At this point in our nation's history, America is not ready for such a white Supreme Court Justice.

This is, of course, a pretty white country, and, in spite of a growing population of ethnic minorities, seems to be getting whiter all the time. But even still, we no longer live in the age of sock hops, Zoot Suits, Queen Victoria, and whatever else cracker stuff used to be the big thing. The country is simply not prepared for a Supreme Court Justice who makes Toby Keith look like Afrika Bambaataa. America has, as the youth say, "moved on dot org."

The Cut & Run Caucus calls on the United States Senate to refuse confirmation to this racist monkey honky-dog thieving pirate.

Pelosi: "GOP Competence Disgraces America"

The Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) will now become law, having just passed the House 217-215. It squeaked through on the good graces of the "CAFTA 15" of House Democrats who voted for it. This will, of course, come as no surprise to readers of ReverseVoteSwap.org, who generally Know What Time It Is, but it is causing a lot of shock among people who Don't. This has apparently spurred House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi to issue a strong statement condemning...the Republicans! In politics this is known as the Springer Strategem, named after the phenomenon wherein a woman throws a chair at a third party with whom her husband has been sleeping while leaving the gentleman untouched. We reprint Rep. Pelosi's fascinating letter below.]]> Open Letter to House Republican Leadership:
"Once Again, Your Competence and Discipline Have Disgraced America" Dear Colleagues:

As House Democratic Leader, I must convey to you my outrage at your Party's actions with respect to yesterday's vote on CAFTA. With great force and skill you have manipulated the interests of your members, applied sharp political pressure to the key points, and played on their individual contradictions of their positions to your Party's general advantage. By acting as a competent, well-managed parliamentary fraction, you have disgaced America and trampled on our democratic traditions.

Yesterday I told the New York Times that "the floor of the House of Representatives resembled the set of 'Let's Make a Deal.'" Ordinary Americans are beginning, for the first time in history, to see the Congress as a place where people make deals. Will you allow yourselves to be responsible for undermining the high confidence with which the average citizen currently regards his elected officials?

Here on the Democratic side of the aisle, I, as Leader, would never allow the higher interests of Party and Country to interfere with the absolute right of a elected official to cast his vote based on whatever narrow, cretinistic concern seems to him to be most important at the time. Only by letting in every snout can we ensure the rich diversity of the trough. I would never countenance applying political pressure to our members just to win elections, secure our funding, satisfy our constituents, uphold the basic planks of our political platform, or prevent myself from looking weak and stupid. That may be how things are done in France or Europe--but not here.

As a troop-supporting American freedom-loving patriot, I call on you guys to seriously quit it.

Regards,
Rep. Nancy Pelosi
House Minority Leader

Bürokratzeitung III

Loyal readers, ReverseVoteSwap.org's favorite magazine for labor tops gossip, One Day Longer, has made it to an astonishing third issue! Truly, these are the days of miracle and wonder!

In the last issue we saw ODL take on the big debate in the AFL-CIO. Now, only days before the AFL-CIO's National Convention, the crisis has become both more dire and less principled--a combination of traits that is, perhaps, only attainable by the unique genius of American labor bureaucrats. Yesterday's New Unity Partnership is today's Change to Win Coalition, which blends some of the more progressive-minded unions with others that are more oriented to, ah, Family values. The newest ODL profiles the CtWC, and we have special sneak peek below!]]>

We have to confess to being pretty confused when we saw the cover; to our knowledge, no actual grassroots worker has anything to do with the CtWC or this whole kerfuffle generally. Then we realized, of course, that ODL wasn't speaking about grassroots workers, but grassroots bureaucrats. ODL sat down with a few small-fry labor fakers-and-shakers: Thurston St. Windsor III, Assistant Deputy Political Director of the SEIU; Anthony "Tony da Wop" Giopazlianocomo, Business Agent for Teamsters Local 777 in New Jersey; and Robert Robert Roberts, President of United Brotherhood of Carpenters Local W in Idaho. We excerpt from the interview.

Could each of you describe, in your own words, what the Change to Win Coalition is all about?

Thurston St. Windsor III: That's an excellent question; this is a critical discourse to problematize. We have to ask: what is the project of the labor movement--I prefer the term "subaltern conjectural multitude"--in the post-industrial society? Can this multitude deconstruct, or, better yet, subvert, the hegemonic power relations? If we lack the proper orientation, we'll simply wind up regressing through an infinite series of demoralized Weltanschauung. I frankly don't think John Sweeny has any answer for this.

Robert Robert Roberts: I could put it in three words: jobs, jobs, jobs, stupid! Workers need jobs, and my union is for anyone who makes jobs. Why is the AFL spending money on Democrats when Bush is creating jobs? Drilling things, shooting things, these are things that create jobs.

"Tony da Wop": Hey, when you get the muscle, you start your own family. That's how it's done.

One of the original New Unity Partnership demands was to reorganize unions along core industry lines. Doesn't the Teamsters model violate this?

TdW: We're proud of our union, which spans all sectors of the legitimate business world. Do YOU have a problem with that?

Well, um...

TSW III: Could I intervene? I really think this disjunction resolves itself, inasmuch as what the Teamsters have realized is that the modes of industrial technê are not quite so monadic as originally conceived by the pre-post-structuralists.

TdW: Yeah, good one, Poindexter. I like this fuckin' kid.

RRR: Look, I think there's one industry everyone in labor should be in, and that's the supporting people who create jobs industry. Why isn't the AFL giving massive support to Bush's proposals for Mars exploration? You'd need a lot of carpenters to send a man to Mars, probably. Labor really lacks vision.

SEIU gave tens of million to the Democrats in 2004, while the Carpenters had Bush speak at their convention. How can the CtWC remain politically coherent with these kinds of divisions?

RRR: Two words: pro-jobs. I think that says it all. The Carpenters will support anyone who's giving us jobs!

Isn't that kind of like saying Jesus should have backed the Romans because they ran the crucifix trade?

RRR: Look, Jesus was a fine carpenter and an interesting guy, but I don't think there's any evidence he would have made a very effective trade union leader.

...OK, final question: how do you respond to those who accuse you of needlessly dividing the labor movement?

TSW III: You know, when I was a member of the Wand & Cumberbun Society at Harvard, we used to start each meeting by declaring, "Poiêsis Über Praxis!" I think that's something today's labor movement should really take to heart.

TdW: Sweeny's been the don for a long time. I give him respect. But when your guy can't get business done anymore, well, sometimes you've got to push a button on a guy. People take it personal, of course. But it's not personal; it's strictly business.

RRR: It's business unionism.

HRC: Sex Harmful for Children, Other Living Things

Loyal ReverseVoteSwap.org readers have doubtless already seen our detailed analysis of the junior Senator from New York's ongoing campaign for the 2008 presidential election, which apparently began circa 1999. HRC, proving that she can triangulate with the best of them, has picked a political strategy that is particularly nuanced. Rather than attacking the GOP on the war, the PATRIOT Act, or draconian budget cuts, Clinton has decided to go after the real bread-and-butter issues, such as flag burning and sex in video games. This sort of moral crusade has a proven track record, as we can all recall how it rocketed Tipper Gore from useless nobody to universally hated somebody.

But just how will this strategy fare for Clinton? The issues for parents are clear-cut: the PC version of the popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" carries the rating "M" and therefore cannot be sold to persons under the age of 17. However, a complicated process involving the modification of computer code can reveal a hidden scene within the game featuring sexual content that would normally be restricted to adults age 18 and over.

Clinton is doing her best to make a political mountain out of this molehill, so that she might better stand on the top of it. But how will this strategy fare? Our guess is that it will resonate with exactly nobody, with a one percent margin of error either way. This waste of time should at least provide some entertainment for loyal ReverseVoteSwappers. We present to you HRC's recent press conference remarks, in which she discussed this key issue.

]]> PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT 7/15/05 As a parent, I can understand the horror that parents across this, most glorious of all nations, must be going through. We parents struggle each and every day to keep our precious children sheltered from damaging knowledge about basic biology. We expect to have to do battle against Hollywood, public schools, and our spouses, but video games? Truly, this is a dangerous time, when digital terrorists would threaten, for the first time ever, to pipe inappropriate images into our homes.

Whatever happened to the video games of yore? Video games are supposed to be about crushing turtles underfoot and gaining power by injesting mushrooms. Something must be done. Someone must think of the children.

"Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" is the most egregious example of the current crop of predatory video games, eating away at the family and posing a threat to our children equal to the specter of gay marriage. Suddenly, that miniscule number of "GTA: San Andreas" players just shy of their 18th birthday who did not purchase the game for their Playstation or Xbox and who are savvy enough to unlock the hidden content will be exposed to low-quality digital representations of things they've probably already done, or if not, have known about since they were 11. Something must be done!

These children between the ages of 17 and 18 must be given more productive opportunities. For instance, serving their nation overseas could protect them from sex and violence. Or, they could "just say no" to these dangerous smut purveyors who would steal their innocence.

That is why I am demanding that the Senate drop all of its other business and initiate an investigation into this dangerous trend. I will not back down, even if I am the only one taking on the Palo Alto cronies. The good citizens of this great nation will remember in a future November. I will not be taking questions today, as there can be no rest in the war against the terror of dangerous, highly pixellated, marginally interesting, difficult to obtain imagery of a sexual nature.

A Sneak Peek at the 2008 Democratic Party Platform!

ReverseVoteSwap.org's legendary pragmatism and deep connection with the American proletarian masses has won it many friends in the world of political consulting. We have learned much by way of these shady, anonymous sources--but our recent acquisition of the 2008 Democratic Party Draft Platform is surely the pièce de résistance!

Many people feel that the platforms of the mainstream parties are meaningless documents; President Bush once bragged that he hadn't even read the Republican platform (although, surely, he could have said that about anything). Nonetheless, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org believe that a party's platform plays an important role, signifying the essential modalities of the party's unique approach to mushifying the issues. Thus we are both proud and duty-bound to present to you this important document.]]> 2008 Draft Platform of the Democratic Party MOTTO: "Take that, Osama!"

**SUMMARY OF KEY ISSUES**
CHILDEN The future	WORKERS An important natural resource
WOMEN Our mothers & wives Must be kept secure Also an important natural resource	ENVIRONMENT Corporations must pledge to work IN the environment!
VALUES Strongness Strength Muscularity Toughness No Osamas!	SECURITY Priceless America's gift to the world Better to fight Islamic rule in Baghdad than Boston!
CHOICE Help women choose not to have abortions through laws and commands Faith-based programs Safe, legal, and unheard-of	GAYS N/A
(God Bless Our) TROOPS Universal flag pins, ribbon magnets on the homefront!	COLOREDS Mend them, don't end them! Some of our greatest athletes, singers, minstrels Counted among our best friends

SUV Crackers for Peace!

Even with majorities within the US opposing the occupation of Iraq, the "common sense pragmatists" within sections of the antiwar movement continue to insist that the way to build opposition is to aim our message at the most right-wing, backwards, apolitical, and chauvinist sections of society.

This train of thought has perhaps reached its truest expression with the creation of the new organization, SUV Crackers for Peace. Although loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless be outraged by such a ridiculous formation, we consider it important to avail our legions of activists of even the most backwards developments within the movement. SUV-CP will doubtless soon take on the full trappings of faxtivism and develop some nice letterhead and a blog, but thus far they have managed only a short press conference, which we reproduce below.

]]> Transcript: SUV Crackers for Peace Kick-Off Funstravaganza and Box Social SUV-CP: SUV crackers, the most importance force within society due to the power of disproportionately large vehicles, have long been silent on the peace question. No longer. Previously, SUV crackers felt alienated from the antiwar movement. "I would think about going to peace rallies sometimes," says one of our founding crackers, "but sometimes they would be at the same time as important sporting events. Also, I would see lots of signs and banners, but none that were about my unique needs as an SUV driver and cracker."

Today, the literally dozens of SUV crackers from across the country who once felt shut out from the peace movement can participate proudly by becoming members of SUV Crackers for Peace and spreading the peace cracker message. To join, SUV crackers must meet the following criteria:

Must own an SUV. (Acceptable exception: "The family has it. I don't have it.")
Must agree that a thing needed in the world today is peace.
Must get extremely uptight about the presence of actual antiwar content within the antiwar movement.

Bush administration, be forewarned! Now that the SUV crackers are getting organized, peace shall prevail!

What is the political ideology of SUV-CP?

Let me clarify. SUV-CP is a lot of things, but it is not political. To us, peace is not a political question. It's just a thing that people want, like better tasting low-carb cookies or a new Colin Farrell epic. So no. We do not have any politcal ideas, or in fact any ideas at all.

Why do you peace crackers want to end the war?

Let me make things more clear. We're not saying, "end the war." We're saying that peace is a thing that we would like to have. That's all.

What will SUV-CP do to move the US toward peace?

We're going to be spreading the peace message. So for instance, many of our members have already put peace sign themed spinners on their SUVs. So next time you find yourself next to an Expedition or Aviator, take a look at the hubcaps. What you see might surprise you.

Will SUV-CP be involved in the growing trend toward counter recruitment?

Yes and no. We're not going to tell America's youth that they shouldn't join America's army. We do think that some of the recruiters give enlistees some faulty information, though. For instance, did you know that only a relatively small portion of our people serving in the armed forces get to drive Hummers? That's the kind of thing they don't tell kids in recruitment sessions. We want to tell the young crackers, who are really the crackers of the future, that they might find better opportunities for driving oversized vehicles in civilian life.

What would you say to those who would call you unpatriotic for opposing your nation's policy abroad?

Let me clarify. We never said that we wanted to criticize our Commander-in-Chief's policies. We're just saying, as Americans, as SUV drivers, and as crackers, that a thing that we would not at all be against, would be peace. Furthermore, I believe that the highest calling for an American patriot is to invest the time and money needed to become a full-fledged SUV cracker. So we've proved our patriotism. Now, we're just saying that peace is not, by definition, unpatriotic, in all circumstances.

We Demand Temporary Cosmetic Solutions!

[Sorry, folks! Here's another one, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security! We'll have to keep taking their grants until somebody else steps up to help us pay the telephone bills and the automo-bills. Until then, here's a message from some regular, upstanding Americans.]

As regular, upstanding Americans, when we learned of the bombings in London, we immediately assumed that terrorists would try to do the exact same thing in an important American city such as Omaha or Billings. (This is how the terrorist mind operates; the most dangerous moment is that brief window in the immediate aftermath of some attack that already happened.)]]> Therefore, we must demand security in the form of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims. Anything short of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims would be an affront to the American people and disrespectful to the many millions of Americans who have fallen victim to terrorism. A failure to provide useless and damaging quick-fixes is unacceptable.

We insist on the following:

A period of about two weeks in which our backwards, useless American public transportation infrastructure, the envy of the 17th century world, is kept under the vigilant eyes of an increased number of racist, crooked, donut-fattened cops.
A stern reprimand from our Commander-In-Chief, alerting terrorists to the fact that this nation frowns upon terrorism, as it runs counter to founding American ideals like single-sex suffrage and slavery.
Blanket support for whatever Tony Blair wants to do from the entire US political establishment, unless it is insufficiently crazy.
Roving wiretaps, so that our wires are tapped in a manner that is sufficiently roving.
Careful scrutiny of library records to make sure that we know who dog-eared our copy of The DaVinci Code.
A new, even more patriotic anthem performed by red-state darling Toby Keith.
Some kind of big statue type thing.
A war against Syria, a nation which we understand officials allege was rumored to be involved in some manner.
Further privatization of public schools, just in case teachers' unions were somehow involved, which we do indeed assume.
A friendly reminder that Muslims are not the enemy--just Islamo-fascists (who are generally indistinguishable from regular Muslims).

C&RC: "Doin' Shit Is The Root of Terrorism"

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued a statement on the July 7 terrorist attack in London. We reproduce it below.]]> Cut & Run Caucus Statement on July 7 Bombings:
"Doin' Shit Is The Root of Terrorism" The Cut & Run Caucus was horrified to learn of the bombings in London. We extend our deepest sympathies to the British people and sincerely hope that this tragedy will not shake their determination to search out and destroy the freedom-hating evildoers who govern the United Kingdom.

Misleaders like British Prime Minister Tony Blair claim that al-Qaeda and similar groups despise Western civilization. That is a lie--at most they find it irritating, and certainly less so than most Westerners. What they really hate is the shit we do; doin' shit is the root of terrorism.

We in the C&RC have always maintained that all this shit we were doing was going to make shit crazy, and then we'd really see some shit. These prophetic warnings have now been realized with stunning precision. Only the most rapid, calamitous, and unstrategic cutting and running from all our imperial projects and ambitions can save us from the scourge of terrorism.

Cut and run, y'all--before it's too late!