ReverseVoteSwap.org

RVS.org Guide: How to Read Police Reports

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 18:02:12 -0500

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless already be familiar with and outraged by the police murder of Jean Charles de Menezes, a young Brazilian man gunned down in a subway car during the current wave of racist hysteria in the aftermath of the London transport bombings. As though the initial reports were not disgusting enough, it is now clear that almost every detail within these reports was a police fabrication.

Pragmatic ReverseVoteSwappers, of course, know better than trust the words of racist cops trying to protect their own asses. It can still be difficult at times to wade through the various layers of police misdirection, obfuscation, and bullshit. Therefore we offer the following translation guide, so that next time an innocent person is gunned down on either side of the Atlantic, our readers will immediately be able to assemble the facts without waiting the requisite five to six weeks before the truth is actually published.

A Story You May Have Missed

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 11:51:25 -0500

August, usually a slow news month, has been packed with excitement this time around, especially with various Zionophilic organs making much hay out of Israel's strategic relocation of a bunch of settler from land they swiped in Gaza to land they're about to swipe in the West Bank. As a result, some pretty interesting news is falling through the cracks. We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org were particularly fascinated by a piece that we reproduce below.

C&RC: "Defend Iraq from Militant Christianism"

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 23:13:45 -0500

[The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the looming threat of fundamentalism in post-Saddam Iraq.]

Everyone wants a democratic and secular Iraq, in which all forms of religious expression are accepted and tolerated by the state, up to and including the most crazy-ass ones. The realization of this dream, however, seems less rather than more likely as the occupation continues. The post-Saddam government of Iraq, rather than representing the full diversity of religious belief throughout the nation, is dominated by a single ideology of extremism.

C&RC Announces "America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home"

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 01:24:20 -0500

[ReverseVoteSwap.org is pleased to support the following initiative by the Cut & Run Caucus.]

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently announced a America Supports You Freedom Walk on September 11, 2005. This march--sorry, "freedom walk"--will commemorate the fact that, since 9/11, Americans have been getting violently killed at an unusually high rate, even by American standards. The Cut & Run Caucus can appreciate the sentiment behind such an event, but we feel that it's ultimately not in keeping with the prevailing national mood, which is dominated by feelings of defeat and self-hatred. Inasmuch as such feelings encourage Americans to cut and run, they are the road to national salvation, and must be encouraged.

The C&RC is therefore proud to announce the AMERICA IS FUCKED OCCUPATION STAY-HOME! Read on for the exciting details!

Parents: The Anti-Islamo-Fascism

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 10:37:43 -0500

[Sorry folks, another paid message from the Department of Homeland Security. High-class taste bloggers got to spend paper!]

Nothing is more devastating to a parent than to lose a child to militant Islam. However, many parents are not trained to spot the signs of experimentation with Islamo-fascism, or are uncertain of how to confront their child about it. The Department of Homeland Security, based on the smashing success of other government programs, has developed this guide to help. Remember, defending the Homeland begins...at home!

C&RC: Advice for Immigrants on Whitey-Avoidance

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 13:41:58 -0500

The Cut & Run Caucus, upon learning of the recent subway execution of Brazilian Jean-Charles Menezes by London cops, experienced the same range of emotions felt by all sensible people the world over: intense anger, profound sorrow, and a deep sense of holy fucking shit they shot him eight times!

Much has been made of the fact that Menezes was in Britain on an expired student visa, as though this bit of useless information made the punishment fit the crime. This horrific murder of an innocent immigrant signals increased scrutiny of those in Britain and the US on student visas. As we have said before, given that the majority of competent individuals residing in the US are foreign-born, attacks against immigrants threaten to fuck up the shit of the very fabric of the nation.

Therefore, the Cut & Run Caucus would like to offer a a preview of our forthcoming primer for immigrants, particularly those on student visas, so that their stays in the US might be as terror-free as reasonably possible. Of course, these are only safety precautions, not solutions. Attacks on immigrants will continue until the US finally decides to cut and run the hell out of Iraq.

Cut and run, y'all!

Ask a Judge Roberts!

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 15:32:52 -0500

There is, perhaps, no greater addition to a politician's arsenal of ways to tastefully ignore his constituents than email. At least a diligent citizen can stuff a handful of anthrax in a physical letter when he wishes to underline his point--the worst that can be transmitted via email is a computer virus, which one suspects the average US elected official, always concerned to get the best deals on Viagra or the sweetest cuts on Nigerian bank transfers, already possesses in spades.

The latest act in this political sideshow is the Senate Democrats' Ask John Roberts page. The idea is that YOU, the lowly netizen, can ask some intern to ask some staffer to ask some Senator to ask John Roberts a question! How antidisenfranchising! Of course we at ReverseVoteSwap.org are inclined to believe that by the time a serious question makes it up that totem pole, your "why the hell did you let the fucking cops get away with handcuffing a little girl for eating a french fry on the subway?" will become something like "I think I love you, so what are you so afraid of?"

But let it not be said that RVS.org looks askance at any opportunity for political dialogue, even the most sub-stupid. We enthusiastically encourage our loyal readers to submit questions for Roberts to the Senate Dems--and we've even provided some samples below!

C&RC on the John Roberts Nomination

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:01:17 -0500

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the Roberts nomination.

Cut & Run Caucus on the John Roberts Nomination:
"America Is Not Ready for Such a White Justice"

The Cut & Run Caucus was deeply disturbed to learn of President Bush's nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Of course he is a political nightmare, but that would hardly phase us; what is most troubling is his unbelievable whiteness. At this point in our nation's history, America is not ready for such a white Supreme Court Justice.

This is, of course, a pretty white country, and, in spite of a growing population of ethnic minorities, seems to be getting whiter all the time. But even still, we no longer live in the age of sock hops, Zoot Suits, Queen Victoria, and whatever else cracker stuff used to be the big thing. The country is simply not prepared for a Supreme Court Justice who makes Toby Keith look like Afrika Bambaataa. America has, as the youth say, "moved on dot org."

The Cut & Run Caucus calls on the United States Senate to refuse confirmation to this racist monkey honky-dog thieving pirate.

Pelosi: "GOP Competence Disgraces America"

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 12:01:35 -0500

The Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) will now become law, having just passed the House 217-215. It squeaked through on the good graces of the "CAFTA 15" of House Democrats who voted for it. This will, of course, come as no surprise to readers of ReverseVoteSwap.org, who generally Know What Time It Is, but it is causing a lot of shock among people who Don't. This has apparently spurred House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi to issue a strong statement condemning...the Republicans! In politics this is known as the Springer Strategem, named after the phenomenon wherein a woman throws a chair at her husband's lover upon discovering that he has been cheatin'. We reprint Rep. Pelosi's fascinating letter below.

Bürokratzeitung III

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 17:00:13 -0500

Loyal readers, ReverseVoteSwap.org's favorite magazine for labor tops gossip, One Day Longer, has made it to an astonishing third issue! Truly, these are the days of miracle and wonder!

In the last issue we saw ODL take on the big debate in the AFL-CIO. Now, only days before the AFL-CIO's National Convention, the crisis has become both more dire and less principled--a combination of traits that is, perhaps, only attainable by the unique genius of American labor bureaucrats. Yesterday's New Unity Partnership is today's Change to Win Coalition, which blends some of the more progressive-minded unions with others that are more oriented to, ah, Family values. The newest ODL profiles the CtWC, and we have special sneak peek below!

HRC: Sex Harmful for Children, Other Living Things

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 13:01:42 -0500

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers have doubtless already read our detailed analysis of the junior Senator from New York's ongoing campaign for the 2008 presidential election, which apparently began circa 1999. HRC, proving that she can triangulate with the best of them, has picked a political strategy that is particularly nuanced. Rather than attacking the GOP on the war, the PATRIOT Act, or draconian budget cuts, Clinton has decided to go after the real bread-and-butter issues, such as flag burning and sex in video games. This sort of moral crusade has a proven track record, as we can all recall how it rocketed Tipper Gore from useless nobody to universally hated somebody.

But just how will this strategy fare for Clinton? The issues for parents are clear-cut: the PC version of the popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" carries the rating "M" and therefore cannot be sold to persons under the age of 17. However, a complicated process involving the modification of computer code can reveal a hidden scene within the game featuring sexual content that would normally be restricted to adults age 18 and over.

Clinton is doing her best to make a political mountain out of this molehill, so that she might better stand on the top of it. But how will this strategy fare? Our guess is that it will resonate with exactly nobody, with a one percent margin of error either way. This waste of time should at least provide some entertainment for loyal ReverseVoteSwappers. We present to you HRC's recent press conference remarks, in which she discussed this key issue.

A Sneak Peek at the 2008 Democratic Party Platform!

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 00:07:45 -0500

ReverseVoteSwap.org's legendary pragmatism and deep connection with the American proletarian masses has won it many friends in the world of political consulting. We have learned much by way of these shady, anonymous sources--but our recent acquisition of the 2008 Democratic Party Draft Platform is surely the pièce de résistance!

Many people feel that the platforms of the mainstream parties are meaningless documents; President Bush once bragged that he hadn't even read the Republican platform (although, surely, he could have said that about anything). Nonetheless, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org believe that a party's platform plays an important role, signifying the essential modalities of the party's unique approach to mushifying the issues. Thus we are both proud and duty-bound to present to you this important document.

SUV Crackers for Peace!

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 15:48:48 -0500

Even with majorities within the US opposing the occupation of Iraq, the "common sense pragmatists" within sections of the antiwar movement continue to insist that the way to build opposition is to aim our message at the most right-wing, backwards, and chauvinist sections of society.

This train of thought has perhaps reached its truest expression with the creation of the new organization, SUV Crackers for Peace. Although loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless be outraged by such a ridiculous formation, we consider it important to avail our legions of activists of even the most backwards developments within the movement. SUV-CP will doubtless soon take on the full trappings of faxtivism and develop some nice letterhead and a blog, but thus far they have managed only a short conference, which we reproduce below.

We Demand Temporary Cosmetic Solutions!

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 15:26:01 -0500

[Sorry, folks! Here's another one, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security! We'll have to keep taking their grants until somebody else steps up to help us pay the telephone bills and the automo-bills. Until then, here's a message from some regular, upstanding Americans.]

As regular, upstanding Americans, when we learned of the bombings in London, we immediately assumed that terrorists would try to do the exact same thing in an important American city such as Omaha or Billings. (This is how the terrorist mind operates; the most dangerous moment is that brief window in the immediate aftermath of some attack that already happened.)

C&RC: "Doin' Shit Is The Root of Terrorism"

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 18:12:30 -0500

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued a statement on the July 7 terrorist attack in London. We reproduce it below.