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In Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

October 31, 2004

Love, Hysterical Style!

As a Hysterical Liberal, I of course agree with you one hundred percent. I just think we got off on the wrong foot a little bit with my first column. So for my next column, I’m going to go ahead and stay away from political questions and really focus on the issues that we agree about so that we can find some common ground and go back to making America the greatest country in the universe, as we all know it is. That’s why I’m sticking exclusively to non-political matters and taking your relationship questions. So sit back, relax, and Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

I’m having some real trouble in my marriage. I’m the proud father of two young children, but I just got notice that I’ll be shipping out to Iraq to “pacify” Falluja. I don’t want to go, my wife doesn’t want me to go, and it’s really making things stressful around the house. What should I do?
--Doug in Des Moines

Just go ahead and get out the vote for John Kerry, because hope is on the way! John Kerry will make sure that it’s not just Americans bombing Falluja, but people from other countries, too. That’s the kind of fresh start we need! So when you head out to Iraq, you can rest assured that as soon as John Kerry is elected, the war will stop being bad and start being good for America and the world. In the meantime, why not go door-knocking for Kerry-Edwards? That’s just the sort of activity sure to bring two people closer together! Take my advice: Don’t worry about Iraq. Remember how on the way hope is, and vote Kerry!

I’ve been in a relationship with someone since I was about 18. A lot of my friends don’t like this guy. Some even say he’s abusive, but I’m not sure. I mean, yeah, he is always hitting me up for money and never giving me anything in return. Yes, he does often prevent me from doing what I want to do, and he screams at me if I ever talk to anyone else. But he seems pretty confident that the problem isn’t with him, but with the other people I could potentially be dating instead. He says they’re much worse, and that after all, I have to be with someone. I’m not sure. What do you think?
--Melanie in Michigan

The only way to reform this relationship is from the inside, so you’d be foolish to leave it. I’m sure this guy means well. This is a pretty sexist country, and your boyfriend probably can't afford to alienate sexists by being too nice to you. In fact, I don’t want to be rude, but have you ever considered the idea that maybe you are entirely to blame? He’s likely just looking out for your own interests, and any poor behavior on his part is probably just in reaction to your unreasonable expectations. So stick with him! Also, have you thought about door knocking for Kerry? Maybe that would make him love you more. Try that! And remember that hope is on the way. This Bush administration has really encouraged bad relationships between people so make sure he doesn’t get re-elected!

I’m single working mother. I have to take two jobs just to make ends meet, and that leaves me little time to spend with my children. It makes me worry that I’m not being a good parent, but at the same time, things are really out of my control. I also have been having a hard time meeting anyone, between my two jobs and the kids. What can I do to make things better?
--Alice in Akron

Well, I can see your first problem right away. I notice you didn’t mention anything about getting out the vote for John Kerry. Not only is that a great way to meet people, it’s also your ticket to a better life starting in 2005. He’ll make sure that your job pays better and that your kids are well-behaved. I’ve heard from a lot of parents that their children have been acting up for the last four years due to the irresponsible tone set by Bush. It has a real trickle-down effect. So don’t worry; get out the vote for John and John!

I’m a man in my mid-twenties currently living at home. I can’t afford my own place on my Wal-Mart paycheck, but I’d really like to move out because living at home at my age is a real drag. This is particularly true with my parents always nagging me about getting a better job. I just can’t seem to get them to understand how much I want a better job, but can’t find one in this job market. What should I do?
--Paul in Portland

The exit strategy for your situation is completely clear. Vote for John Kerry. Thanks for your letter! Hope is on the way!

There. Wasn’t that nicer? I’m glad we can all go back to agreeing. I’m sick of this partisan bickering. I look forward to having one united America again, just like we had through all periods of history until the Bush administration. Hope is on the way!

Posted by convener at October 31, 2004 12:40 PM