« John Kerry: Heir to the Throne of Camelot? | Main | Senior Democratic Sez: "John, Don't Run!" »

In Distraction 2004

October 28, 2004

Official Electoral Predictions

Countless diligent Reverse Vote Swappers have asked for our election night predictions. Never the sort to contradict the will of the masses, we present our complete list of predictions for Election 2004. SPOILER ALERT! Election Day is not unlike a trip to the dentist. We at ReverseVoteSwap.org are torn between wanting to get it over with, and feeling as though we’d like to push it off as far into the future as possible to avoid experiencing it. Therefore, we understand if some of our satisfied customers may want to skip this post and instead wait until election night, after they’ve been drinking heavily, to see how this all turns out. Therefore, proceed with caution, loyal Reverse Vote Swappers!

Prediction 1: This will be the most ridiculous election in the history of politics.

We understand that this is a little vague, and so we put it first to build up the anticipation for the stunning climax where we predict accurately the next US president. Election 2000 proved on thing: our political system is hilariously backwards. Therefore, anything is possible, and no outcome, no matter how absurd, is possible.

And as depressingly hysterical as the 2000 election was, this is going to be one of the few cases in which the sequel surpasses the original. We predict that not only will the ultimate winner have to win at least thirty court cases--state, local, federal, and Supreme!--he will also not take office until at least 2006. This is to allow for the difficult process of recounting and shredding millions of votes, which will certainly be time consuming.

Prediction 2: Pre-election polls will prove highly inaccurate.

Certain hysterical liberals and hysterical liberal organizations have stated quite publicly that polls are inaccurate and biased toward right-wing candidates. Curiously, they assume John Kerry is hurt by this phenomenon, though he is certainly a right-wing candidate; in any event, we believe that the polls are greatly inflating the popularity of both Bush and Kerry. Most important, though, is the fact that time and time again, the polls have failed to accurately register the impact of Reverse Vote Swapping as a new and dynamic entrant into the US political landscape. We have yet to see a poll asking participants if they will be Reverse Vote Swapping. Such a poll would doubtless be quite helpful, but since we lack it, we will have to estimate based upon the millions of Reverse Vote Swaps we have arranged in the past few weeks.

Prediction 3: The Democrats will move to the right.

We apologize; this one is a little too easy. But, we thought it fair to include at least one sure thing. If Kerry wins, the Democrats will proceed with the standard bait-and-switch and move even more decisively in the direction of militarism and corporate give-aways. (See entire 20th century for more details.) And if they lose, McAuliffe and company will claim that this was first and foremost due to Ralph Nader. Then, they will allege that they lost votes to Nader by failing to move far enough to the right. They will then toy with running Rudy Giuliani or John McCain as the Democratic nominee in 2008, or else they will decide that the best plan is to contest the election only in states where they or the Republicans have a clear majority, thus playing it safe and opting not to risk taking away votes from the GOP in swing states.

Prediction 4: The people telling you that this is the most important election ever are never going to learn.

Never. Pretty sad, huh?

Prediction 5: David Cobb will not be seen on election night.

We have assembled a crack team of Reverse Vote Swappers to monitor the airwaves on November 2nd to test this prediction. We predict that the Democrat nominated as the Green Party candidate will not be mentioned on TV or radio. He certainly will not appear for any interviews, and his vote totals will not be discussed. They may in fact be immediately thrown away during recounts; we cannot rule this out. We are also undecided as to whether or not his results will be mentioned in any Green Party publications or websites. One possible exception: Democratic Party magazine The Nation, which hates the Green Party more than the Republican Party, may well devote an entire issue to lauding David Cobb’s non-effort.

Prediction 6: And the winner is...

Ralph Nader! Sort of.

Sorry for hedging our bets! But here’s why: Thanks to the diligent work of Reverse Vote Swappers, Nader will carry each swing state, while all of the spoiled Republican states will be taken by John Kerry’s reckless egomaniacal vanity campaign, and Bush will take all of the spoiled Democratic states. ReverseVoteSwap.org will therefore have contributed not just to the success of the Nader campaign, but also to general post-election hi-jinx that all Reverse Vote Swappers will doubtless support in principle.

However, even though Nader will emerge as the winner of the electoral college vote, he will not win a majority of the Electoral College, and therefore the vote for President will be taken in the House of Representatives. (Confused? Don’t be. The President is elected on a rotating basis. Last time it was the Supreme Court. This time it’s Congress. Next time it will be the executive branch, which is why many are calling this election so important. It basically counts as two.)

As you might imagine, Nader has few allies in the House. While it is called the House of Representatives, don’t let the name fool you. It is not actually a House, nor is it Representative. It is instead a large, bone-littered cave marked with crude stick figure drawings. In this cave, local warlords (or Representatives, as they insist upon being called) wage pitched battles with crude implements and divide the nation’s spoils and other war booty. This goes on at all times, excepting the summer recess, which lasts just over eight months. These warlords will take a break from eating enormous turkey legs and scratching themselves just long enough to receive gifts (or "bribes") from the potential Presidents. In this arena, unfortunately, Ralph Nader is quite uncompetitive. Therefore the winner of this “vote” (actually a sort of rules-free wrestling match, but generally called a vote for the sake of space) will certainly be Bush or Kerry.

Nader will receive no votes, proving for the second consecutive election the disgusting and undemocratic nature of the electoral college. One possible exception, however, is New York Democrat Charles Rangel. After sponsoring a draft bill to “prove” the risk of a draft if Bush is offered a second term as president, it would not be surprising if he cast a vote for Ralph Nader in order to prove decisively that Nader is taking away votes from John Kerry.

ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to end this list of predictions by apologizing for the fact that we cannot reveal the exact identity of the right-wing war mongering Yale grad who will lead the attack on the world for the next four years. Election analysis is not a science, like chemistry or biology. It is more of a superstition, based not upon empirical data but instead upon guesswork and bizarre rules which exclude the use of common sense. We would like to state pre-emptively, though, that this entire situation could have been avoided, had John Kerry heeded our advice and said “No más” and climbed out of the ring. We are sympathetic to some of his arguments; Kerry believes that his stated goals of crushing Iraqis and helping out his rich friends can better be met by a presidential candidate than by a private billionaire. We do however reject these particular goals, and urge all of our loyal Reverse Vote Swappers to be unwavering in their criticism John Kerry’s Republican-funded ego campaign. We can only speculate as to how he looks himself in the mirror.

Just a few more days to show those motherf*ckers you're serious!

Posted by convener at October 28, 2004 11:43 PM