« Withers the Nation | Main | Official Electoral Predictions »

In Distraction 2004

October 26, 2004

John Kerry: Heir to the Throne of Camelot?

Many progressive voters have not only been comparing John Kerry to George Bush; they have also been comparing Kerry to Democratic presidents and candidates from years past. We at ReverseVoteSwap.org have received countless emails from concerned citizens who believe that John Kerry is not cut from the same cloth as Democrats from years past. Many lose sleep wondering how, in the great Hall of Presidents in the sky, John Kerry would get along with a Harry S Truman or a Franklin Delano Roosevelt or a John F. Kennedy. Our fair and balanced analysis? Kerry is indeed the true heir to Camelot!

In order to set the record straight, we have summarized our analysis in the form of a friendly dispatch to Terry McAuliffe, another exemplary example of the species democraticus wankerus, as full credit for John Kerry’s rise to the position of Democratic presidential candidate goes to Terry and seventeen Iowa Democrats.

Thanks for More of the Same: An Open Letter to DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe

Dearest Terry,

We have had our differences in the past. And in all likelihood, we will continue to disagree on every question of principle until you have retired to the sort of luxury estate whose decadence we can only imagine. However, there is one thing we can agree on: a war-mongering corporate cretin like John Kerry is exactly the right candidate for the war-mongering corporate party you run with an iron fist. Well done!

When you chose John Kerry to compete against George Bush, you knew one thing for certain. You knew that you were facing off not just with Karl Rove, but also with Democratic candidates throughout history. And indeed, the competition is stiff. How can a modern-day Democratic candidate compete with, say, a Harry Truman? After all, no other Democrat can be the first to drop an atomic bomb on a civilian population! But Democrats need not worry. John Kerry is just the man for the job.

Let us compare him to one of the most beloved Democrats—John F. Kennedy. Kennedy accomplished more in his shortened presidency than anyone of any party. Who launched the botched and ridiculous “Bay of Pigs” invasion, the funniest outtake on the DVD of history? Who pushed the US to kill three million in East Asia in the horrifying Vietnam War? And most importantly, who pushed the world the absolute closest to nuclear annihilation? Jack Kennedy, that’s who! Not even Reagan managed better, and we all know how hard he tried.

Clearly, matching this is a tall order. We are confident, though, that John Kerry, the second JFK, is just the man to keep the Democratic Party doing what it does best: defending America from defenseless countries and insuring that corporations get the biggest slice of the Pie. Well done, Terry! And thanks from everyone at ReverseVoteSwap.org. You make our job easier by making sure that the lesser evil is as lesser and evil as possible.


Posted by convener at October 26, 2004 09:23 PM