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In Distraction 2004

October 20, 2004

Informed Liberals: Campaign Honestly!

ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to make an appeal to the informed liberal. You are a very special, rare breed of liberal. You enjoy esoteric policy magazines like the New Republic. Your favorite book is Thomas Friedman's The Lexus and the Olive Tree. You know what John Kerry really stands for, and you actually like it. We beseech you, informed liberals: campaign honestly!

There's no question but that the smart, committed members of Ralph Nader's campaign will produce huge numbers of votes for the only serious progressive candidate running in 2004. However, the fact that Nader is not a serial corruptionist puts him at a distinct disadvantage: unlike Bush or Kerry, he has neither the money nor the inclination to engage in the promulgation of Big Lies. Tragically, millions will vote for Kerry with very wrong ideas about what the man is all about.

We know this angers you, the informed liberals. You are open imperialists, and wish to encourage US military adventures through deep feelings of White Man's Burden and noblesse oblige, not low-class hoodwinkery. Of course you wish to defeat Bush--he's sort of embarrassing--but not by resorting to crank methods. You want Kerry to win by being Kerry; that is, by being the kind of emperor who will do whatever the last emperor did, but with smooth liberal image-consciousness.

So, it's in our mutual interests for you to campaign with the same forthrightness for Kerry as we do for Nader. We understand, however, that you are not entirely comfortable doing campaign work among the hoi polloi, typically leaving such low tasks to the trade unionists and Negroes. As a service to you, ReverseVoteSwap.org presents the following statement-response guide to aid you in your tasks of expelling misconceptions. Best of luck, friends!

War on Iraq

Voter sez: "I'm voting for Kerry because he'll stop the war and bring the troops home!"

Response: "I see that you're an ignoramus, like most Americans. You have sentimental ideas about self-determination and other outmoded concepts. Fortunately John Kerry is the kind of leader with the vision to back everything Bush has done in Iraq, although he has shown enough nuance to express disagreements with some details, now that they've already screwed up. But we're talking about a geostrategic foothold here; you can't measure that kind of thing in mere lives. Really, you should just vote Nader if you're going to be so childish."

Civil Liberties

Voter sez: "The PATRIOT Act is an attack on our freedoms. I think John Kerry's going to put an end to all that!"

Response: "Look, the Framers didn't have to deal with the kind of threat that we face today--"

Voter: "Yeah they did. Didn't the British burn down Washington in 1812?"

Response: "Will you shut up? Will you let me finish my argument? Really, the scale of stupidity...how can you compare this epoch-making Clash of Civilizations to some Anglo-American misunderstanding no one can even remember? Have fun voting for Nader, you wacko."


Voter sez: "All this No Child Left Behind stuff is bunk. It's just a cover for making public schools into corporations. Kerry will stop that for sure!"

Response: "Come on, public education is a joke. Most Ivy League students come from private schools, which proves that private schools produce the best and brightest. Kerry knows that private enterprise is the most efficient. If you still believe in all this socialistic mess about public education, you ought to vote for a guy like Nader."

Health Care

Voter sez: "The health care situation in this country is just awful. Kerry's going to do something about it!"

Response: "Wow, you've got it all wrong. The health care system in America is the best anywhere. Why do you think international ultra-rich come here to get health care? In their own countries, they'd have to wait in line with all the yobbos. The real problem is that the HMOs are forced to deal with all the freeloaders who demand that the insurance companies pay whenever they get sick. Insurers can't make money if they have to pay claims--that's just common sense. Kerry's plan would retain the dynamism of the current system while pumping billions into insurance companies to help deal with patients who are careless enough to require health care. Honestly though, if you're so out in left field that you believe in universal health care, you're better off voting Nader and not tainting Kerry with your unserious ideas."

Posted by convener at October 20, 2004 09:16 AM