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In Which Way Backward for the Democratic Party?

April 25, 2005

Letter to Howard Dean: We Demand Zanier Threats!

Recently, DNC Chair and avowed enemy of the Reverse Vote Swap movement Howard Dean offered some altogether peculiar warnings regarding the possibility of a US pullout from Iraq.

According to the good doctor, an end of the US occupation could endanger the US in any one of three, sinister ways:

  1. Iraqis, free from a US occupation, would be free to pick a government that actually represented their desires.
  2. An end to the occupation would risk Kurdish calls for independence, which would make Turkey unhappy.
  3. The mysterious and inscrutable "Sunni Triangle," the Bermuda Triangle of the Near East, would, according to Dean, become a hotbed for terrorists.
Considering that no important Democrats or Republicans are calling for an immediate end to the occupation, it would seem that Dean's rant was aimed at the pragmatic section of the anti-war movement--the section that understands that you can't be against the war and for the occupation at the same time. Therefore, according to Dean's logic, the real threat to the globe is not the reactionary Bush/Kerry agenda, but instead serious anti-war activists.

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org are insulted. We have heard all of Dean's warnings before, and frankly, we find them tiring. If Dean is truly trying to scare activists out of the anti-war movement, he should really come up with some scarier threats. Therefore, we submit for your perusal the following letter to Doc D, in hopes of spicing up his future tirades.

Dear Howard Dean,

As an organization of serious political journalists, ReverseVoteSwap.org must take issue with your recent remarks in Minnesota regarding the US occupation of Iraq. In an event sponsored by the Minnesota ACLU, you offered dire warnings about the risk of a premature US pull-out from Iraq, using the same tired "War on Terror" scare-mongering that has been the standard line from the Bush administration since before the war even started.

So that you are aware, pragmatic anti-war activists calling for an immediate end to the occupation no longer find your rhetoric convincing, if ever they did. In truth, most of us found it racist and absurd when Bush was using it years ago. We find this nonsense no more convincing when it comes out of the mouth of a "progressive" like yourself. Therefore, we would encourage you to come up with new, scarier, and especially, zanier reasons why the US needs to stay in Iraq for another few generations. This way, progressives will at least be able to regard your tirades as a regular source of amusement, rather than a pointless bore.

In order to expedite this process, you can start with this list of scarier, zanier reasons to support the occupation.

  1. Saddam loyalists wired the entire nation to a vast, underground explosive device. Any sudden troop movements could set off this sensitive weapon.
  2. The Motion Picture Association of America warns that Saddam was mere months away from perfecting a new, ultra-fast method of DVD piracy. This technology must be kept out of insurgent hands!
  3. Sections of the Iraqi insurgency are rumored to be harboring Arabs.
  4. Terrorist "chatter" indicates that a sinister Iraqi billionaire is building a super-reflecting satellite capable of directing a swath of highly focused sunlight down to Earth, burning everything in its path.
  5. The Iraqi insurgents sent checks to everyone who voted for Ralph Nader in 2004.
These dire warnings will likely help you keep the DNC coffers filled for months to come.

Sincerely,
ReverseVoteSwap.org

Posted by convener at April 25, 2005 03:39 PM