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In RVS 2005

May 14, 2005

"Why Can't Paris Read?": A Bipartisan Appeal

Friends, we here at ReverseVoteSwap.org don't often address ourselves to both Republicans and Democrats, finding it distasteful enough to maintain contact with even one of the corporate parties. However, something has come to our attention which, in the absence of united and decisive political action, threatens the very future of this nation. Leaders of America: why can't Paris Hilton read?

Ms. Hilton's abject and literal illiteracy, often rumored, can no longer be denied. We offer the following proof:

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton had Pamela Anderson giggling when the strain of having to read a restaurant menu for herself triggered one of her tantrums.

The blonde socialite was dining out with Anderson when she suddenly flew into a rage as no one was reading the contents to her.

Anderson says, "She's funny. Last time I met her we were in a restaurant together--she slammed the menu down and screamed, 'I hate reading! Someone tell me what's on the menu!'"

This sorry anecdote had us giggling, too: giggles of shame.

According to an extant biographical sketch from the national newspaper of record (USA Today), Ms. Hilton was educated at "a slew of posh schools on both coasts, including Professional Children's, Dwight, and Buckley." It's is obvious that our country's outdated system of compulsory private education for the rich is leaving behind our most-advantaged children. We call on leaders from both parties to undertake radical reforms to publicatize America's failing elite schools.

Lest Americans think that this crisis is limited to only one braindead hotel heiress, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to assure the public, on the basis of our own surveys of an elite Ivy League campus, that at least eighty percent of US bourgeois undergraduates do not possess basic reading, writing, or math skills. This scandalous situation must be rectified. Under the present social system, the children of the ruling class become the next ruling class, regardless of capability; life will surely be less brutish, or at least less irritating, if they are not completely stupid.

We propose that elite private schools like Dwight, Buckley, Choate, and Exeter be seized by the state, their faculties unionized, and their student bodies made at least three-quarters proletarian through busing. Students from overprivileged backgrounds could be issued vouchers so they'd have something short to practice reading.

In addition, a standard remedial curriculum should be obligatory for ruling-class nitwits. Some core components are suggested below.


The rich have servants to do everything for them, including read, so students will likely not be motivated to learn this skill. Interest can be piqued through modules like Discover Which Magazines Write About You! and Unlocking the Secrets of Your Own Signature.


The same problem as above, only much worse. Modules include Notes: The Easy Way to Remember and Wounding Your Family with Tell-Alls.


Rich children do not experience the problems of scarcity, making it difficult for them to grasp basic math concepts. Instructors should take a philosophical approach with modules like The Mysteries of Subtraction and Introduction to the Concept of Zero.


The imperialist and financial stage of capitalism has divorced the bourgeoisie from any knowledge of the production process and therefore science. The modules How Does My Lapdog Work? and What's In My Cocaine? should be relevant to students' real-life situations.

Leaders of America, together we can save a generation of young men and women from becoming Paris Hiltons. We must brook no delay!

Posted by convener at May 14, 2005 11:06 PM