March 16, 2005

Coming Soon to Re-Liberate Us All: 2005

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers:

You may have noticed that our usual breakneck publication schedule has slowed somewhat during the end of 2004 and the first quarter of 2005. For the entire family, this has been a period of soul searching, contemplation, and introspection. We have, of course, been forced to re-evaluate every aspect of our organization and its ideals.

We have reached one firm conclusion. Looking back at the 2004 election, its players, its nuances, and the continuing threat posed by the Bush regime, would like to state for the record the following: We were completely right.

Furthermore, the need for an organization devoted to the demonstration of our seriousness to various motherf*ckers has never been stronger. Please check back regularly for more information relating to a bold new This time, it's personal.

Posted by convener at 03:10 PM

April 08, 2005

Recent Victories

Like any serious progressive media outlet, we at recently found ourselves a bit discouraged. The forces of reaction in the US, led by George W. Bush and John Kerry, threaten not just people in this country and in Iraq, but all freedom-loving people across the globe. And although has weathered the storm of Distraction 2004 and emerged stronger than ever, we are not yet of adequate size and strength to take on the full breadth of the united, Bush-Kerry agenda, thanks to the lasting Anybody-But-Bush-ism hangover from which progressives continue to suffer.

However, we were quite heartened to see this list of accomplishments, claimed by John Kerry's major ca$h money supplier, This list pleases us, not because it reflects any actual accomplishments, but instead because it suggests that one can do absolutely nothing (or even make things worse!) and still create a list of proud achievements, more or less with a straight face. MoveOn's list is not simply a case of calling the glass half full rather than half empty. It is more akin to placing an empty glass outside and hoping for rain.

For instance, one of the "victories" claimed by Kerry's imperial apologists at MoveOn is the fact that Bush's second Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, only received "yes" votes from about 2/3 of the Senate. They go on to mention that Gonzales received more votes against confirmation than any Attorney General in his predecessor John Ashcroft. This, then, means that the intervention of legions of MoveOn supporters actually made torture mastermind Gonzales more popular than Ashcroft, and MoveOn considers this a victory!

With that in mind, thought it only fair to list some of our own "victories" to inspire our loyal ReverseVoteSwappers!

We defeated John Kerry, one of our two most dangerous opponents!

Success! Things prior to November looked bleak. Because so many unrealistic, unpragmatic idealists threw their support behind anti-gay war monger John Kerry, the election looked to be a dead heat all through the fall. This meant that an Electoral College tie was a real possibility. In the event of such a tie, the President is chosen by the House and the Vice-President is chosen by the Senate. Under such a nightmare scenario, Bush would have been elected President and Kerry Vice-President. Such a good-cop/bad-cop administration would have meant numerous setbacks for progressive causes. Fortunately, due to the intervention of scores of ReverseVoteSwappers, John Kerry was successfully defeated, leaving the battle half won!

We helped prove how worthless blogs really are!

Victory! Although had by far the greatest effect on the election of all the political websites, its influence was still pathetic compared to big business, high government functionaries, the intelligentsia, organized crime, the landed aristocracy, Major League Baseball, late-night talk show hosts--even labor unions! Debunking the theory of a politically-important "blogosphere" ought to help move money into useful research and out of wasteful, pointless programs.

Anyone we left crushed and hopeless has as much money as they started with!

Sweet! Reverse Vote Swapping was always a free process, and our staff was motivated only by high civic ideals, not squeezing the cheese out of liberals. So if you're really depressed that Ralph Nader isn't president--which you certainly should be--why not treat yourself to some bath salts or a frozen yogurt with sprinkles? You can afford it, unlike those chumps that handed their change over to Kucinich, Dean, Music for America, the League of Pissed-Off Voters, Flossin' MCs for Kerry, or whatever the fuck.

We didn't stop fighting just because our enemies were crushed!

Triumph! The ABB liberals, Demogreens, Kerrycrats, and Nader-baiters got their asses spiz-anked in November--not only by one of America's leading nitwits, but a guy so dull that Al Gore beat him. That shit is pathetic. But we at never allowed our genuine, human feelings of sadness for their failure get in the way of our political duty to shower them with insults and contempt.

We showed those motherf*ckers we're serious!™

Enough said!

Posted by convener at 09:00 AM

April 10, 2005 Responds to Election Fraud Allegations

Senator John Kerry claimed in a recent speech that some voters were kept away from the polls in the last election by means of "trickery and intimidation." This shows a bold new approach in Democratic Party scapegoatism, from blame Nader to the more flexible we wuz tricked! argument.

A Republican National Committee spokeswoman (ladies first at the GOP!) denounced Big Ketchup's speech as a "rehash" of "baseless allegations." We here at think that the RNC rep meant "baseless allegations" in the sense of the "baseless allegation" that the FBI killed Malcolm X; ie, a thing no one seriously investigates because it is both politically embarrassing and transparently true. However, as the nation's premier experts in voting analysis and chicanery, we are not prepared to fully associate ourselves with Kerry's views. The following press release should clarify our eminently nuanced position.

PRESS RELEASE: Law of Averages Ensures Accurate Vote for Bourgeois Parties
"As Many Tricked Into Voting As Out of It", the epoch-making website which revolutionized the theory and practice of vote-swapping, regards as fucking obvious Senator John "Big Ketchup" Kerry's accusations that "tricks and intimidation" were employed to keep potential voters away from the polls on Election Day. However, our analysis reveals that about as many people must have been tricked and intimidated into voting as out of it, making the vote--for the pro-corporate parties, at least--basically accurate.

Taking simply those votes accruing to Sen. Ketchup, it cannot be denied that many of them were due to shady publications like the Nation which made all sorts of lying claims about Kerry being "opposed to Bush" when in fact their agreement was nearly complete. Furthermore, intimidation and psychological manipulation by Anybody-But-Bush liberals was extremely intense, ensuring that only the most advanced political elements, like Reverse Vote Swappers, would have the tenacity to cast their vote for Nader. Inasmuch as both corporate parties are equally rich and shameless, it is only logical to conclude that the Democratic "get out the vote" scam was about as effective as the Republican "keep out the vote" scam; thus they cancel each other out. strongly encourages Big Ketchup to

Posted by convener at 10:58 PM

May 14, 2005

"Why Can't Paris Read?": A Bipartisan Appeal

Friends, we here at don't often address ourselves to both Republicans and Democrats, finding it distasteful enough to maintain contact with even one of the corporate parties. However, something has come to our attention which, in the absence of united and decisive political action, threatens the very future of this nation. Leaders of America: why can't Paris Hilton read?

Ms. Hilton's abject and literal illiteracy, often rumored, can no longer be denied. We offer the following proof:

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton had Pamela Anderson giggling when the strain of having to read a restaurant menu for herself triggered one of her tantrums.

The blonde socialite was dining out with Anderson when she suddenly flew into a rage as no one was reading the contents to her.

Anderson says, "She's funny. Last time I met her we were in a restaurant together--she slammed the menu down and screamed, 'I hate reading! Someone tell me what's on the menu!'"

This sorry anecdote had us giggling, too: giggles of shame.

According to an extant biographical sketch from the national newspaper of record (USA Today), Ms. Hilton was educated at "a slew of posh schools on both coasts, including Professional Children's, Dwight, and Buckley." It's is obvious that our country's outdated system of compulsory private education for the rich is leaving behind our most-advantaged children. We call on leaders from both parties to undertake radical reforms to publicatize America's failing elite schools.

Lest Americans think that this crisis is limited to only one braindead hotel heiress, we at would like to assure the public, on the basis of our own surveys of an elite Ivy League campus, that at least eighty percent of US bourgeois undergraduates do not possess basic reading, writing, or math skills. This scandalous situation must be rectified. Under the present social system, the children of the ruling class become the next ruling class, regardless of capability; life will surely be less brutish, or at least less irritating, if they are not completely stupid.

We propose that elite private schools like Dwight, Buckley, Choate, and Exeter be seized by the state, their faculties unionized, and their student bodies made at least three-quarters proletarian through busing. Students from overprivileged backgrounds could be issued vouchers so they'd have something short to practice reading.

In addition, a standard remedial curriculum should be obligatory for ruling-class nitwits. Some core components are suggested below.


The rich have servants to do everything for them, including read, so students will likely not be motivated to learn this skill. Interest can be piqued through modules like Discover Which Magazines Write About You! and Unlocking the Secrets of Your Own Signature.


The same problem as above, only much worse. Modules include Notes: The Easy Way to Remember and Wounding Your Family with Tell-Alls.


Rich children do not experience the problems of scarcity, making it difficult for them to grasp basic math concepts. Instructors should take a philosophical approach with modules like The Mysteries of Subtraction and Introduction to the Concept of Zero.


The imperialist and financial stage of capitalism has divorced the bourgeoisie from any knowledge of the production process and therefore science. The modules How Does My Lapdog Work? and What's In My Cocaine? should be relevant to students' real-life situations.

Leaders of America, together we can save a generation of young men and women from becoming Paris Hiltons. We must brook no delay!

Posted by convener at 11:06 PM

May 30, 2005 Too Colored for 2005!

Loyal readers, we at always strive to make this website the most faddish and relevant to today's changing world. However, something has recently come to our attention which reflects some anachronistic views and habits on our part--and may even come off as culturally insensitive. To put it bluntly, is simply too colored for 2005!

If any term describes the course of racial politics over the last 25 years, it is: Revenge of the Cracker-Ass Crackers. Although most non-whites--nor, in fact, most whites--had anything much to say about this, it is, apparently, a political fact which must be slavishly adhered to. With deep embarrassment we must admit that we have not kept up with the times.

A survey of other leading leftish media outlets exposes how grossly isolated we have become.

  • New York Times. Of eight regular columnists, only one is not white, a ratio of 12.5%. New York City as a whole is 55% non-white.
  • Air America. Of 14 on-air personalities, two are non-white, for a 14% ratio. The station's major markets are all minority-majority cities.
  • The Nation. None of six featured bloggers are of the lesser races, whereas 36% of Kerry voters were.
In stunning contrast, a shameful 50% of the staff is comprised of racial minorities.

We are committed to bringing ourselves down to modern practices. We pledge:

  • To institute a program of deformative action to ensure that already-dominant voices receive overwhelming representation;
  • To draft Standards and Practices that ban the use of offensive, anti-white language like cracker-ass cracker;
  • To stock the staff canteen with foods friendly to white taste and culture such as fluffernutters, extra fancy ketchup, totally lumpless gravy, and chicken with like NO flavor;
  • To play more uniquely white music over the office PA system, such as STOMP, Blue Man Group, and Riverdance; and
  • To reduce minority staff pay to 78 cents per white staffer's dollar, in conformance with national standards.
Loyal readers, we ask for your help and patience in this difficult struggle.

Posted by convener at 05:54 PM

August 21, 2005 Guide: How to Read Police Reports

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless already be familiar with and outraged by the police murder of Jean Charles de Menezes, a young Brazilian man gunned down in a subway car during the current wave of racist hysteria in the aftermath of the London transport bombings. As though the initial reports were not disgusting enough, it is now clear that almost every detail within these reports was a police fabrication.

Pragmatic ReverseVoteSwappers, of course, know better than trust the words of racist cops trying to protect their own asses. It can still be difficult at times to wade through the various layers of police misdirection, obfuscation, and bullshit. Therefore we offer the following translation guide, so that next time an innocent person is gunned down on either side of the Atlantic, our readers will immediately be able to assemble the facts without waiting the requisite five to six weeks before the truth is actually published.

The Guide To...Reading Police Reports

Cop sez: "The suspect was linked to an ongoing terror investigation."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect was uncooperative."
Translation: "The guy rolled around while we were kicking him, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "The suspect was wearing a bulky, winter-style parka, which fits the profile of a suicide bomber."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect seemed agitated."
Translation: "We were beating the guy."

Cop sez: "We were unable to immediately positively ID the suspect."
Translation: "I had to take a piss, so we weren't really paying attention, but then we saw this guy and figured he'd do."

Cop sez: "Suspect seemed to be driving erratically."
Translation: "I saw a non-white driver, which immediately aroused my suspicions."

Cop sez: "The suspect was verbally hostile."
Translation: "The arrestee asked us to follow legal police procedures, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "We had to make a split-second decision."
Translation: "We felt bored after just following the guy and wanted to kick it up a notch."

Cop sez: "The incident is under internal investigation."
Translation: "It'll take more than the usual whoppers to get us out of this one."

Cop sez: "We put our lives on the line every day."
Translation: "We are constantly armed and will shoot anyone who makes us jumpy."

Posted by convener at 06:02 PM