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In RVS 2005

April 08, 2005

Recent ReverseVoteSwap.org Victories

Like any serious progressive media outlet, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org recently found ourselves a bit discouraged. The forces of reaction in the US, led by George W. Bush and John Kerry, threaten not just people in this country and in Iraq, but all freedom-loving people across the globe. And although RVS.org has weathered the storm of Distraction 2004 and emerged stronger than ever, we are not yet of adequate size and strength to take on the full breadth of the united, Bush-Kerry agenda, thanks to the lasting Anybody-But-Bush-ism hangover from which progressives continue to suffer.

However, we were quite heartened to see this list of accomplishments, claimed by John Kerry's major ca$h money supplier, MoveOn.org This list pleases us, not because it reflects any actual accomplishments, but instead because it suggests that one can do absolutely nothing (or even make things worse!) and still create a list of proud achievements, more or less with a straight face. MoveOn's list is not simply a case of calling the glass half full rather than half empty. It is more akin to placing an empty glass outside and hoping for rain.

For instance, one of the "victories" claimed by Kerry's imperial apologists at MoveOn is the fact that Bush's second Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, only received "yes" votes from about 2/3 of the Senate. They go on to mention that Gonzales received more votes against confirmation than any Attorney General in history...save his predecessor John Ashcroft. This, then, means that the intervention of legions of MoveOn supporters actually made torture mastermind Gonzales more popular than Ashcroft, and MoveOn considers this a victory!

With that in mind, ReverseVoteSwap.org thought it only fair to list some of our own "victories" to inspire our loyal ReverseVoteSwappers!

We defeated John Kerry, one of our two most dangerous opponents!

Success! Things prior to November looked bleak. Because so many unrealistic, unpragmatic idealists threw their support behind anti-gay war monger John Kerry, the election looked to be a dead heat all through the fall. This meant that an Electoral College tie was a real possibility. In the event of such a tie, the President is chosen by the House and the Vice-President is chosen by the Senate. Under such a nightmare scenario, Bush would have been elected President and Kerry Vice-President. Such a good-cop/bad-cop administration would have meant numerous setbacks for progressive causes. Fortunately, due to the intervention of scores of ReverseVoteSwappers, John Kerry was successfully defeated, leaving the battle half won!

We helped prove how worthless blogs really are!

Victory! Although ReverseVoteSwap.org had by far the greatest effect on the election of all the political websites, its influence was still pathetic compared to big business, high government functionaries, the intelligentsia, organized crime, the landed aristocracy, Major League Baseball, late-night talk show hosts--even labor unions! Debunking the theory of a politically-important "blogosphere" ought to help move money into useful research and out of wasteful, pointless programs.

Anyone we left crushed and hopeless has as much money as they started with!

Sweet! Reverse Vote Swapping was always a free process, and our staff was motivated only by high civic ideals, not squeezing the cheese out of liberals. So if you're really depressed that Ralph Nader isn't president--which you certainly should be--why not treat yourself to some bath salts or a frozen yogurt with sprinkles? You can afford it, unlike those chumps that handed their change over to Kucinich, Dean, Music for America, the League of Pissed-Off Voters, Flossin' MCs for Kerry, or whatever the fuck.

We didn't stop fighting just because our enemies were crushed!

Triumph! The ABB liberals, Demogreens, Kerrycrats, and Nader-baiters got their asses spiz-anked in November--not only by one of America's leading nitwits, but a guy so dull that Al Gore beat him. That shit is pathetic. But we at ReverseVoteSwap.org never allowed our genuine, human feelings of sadness for their failure get in the way of our political duty to shower them with insults and contempt.

We showed those motherf*ckers we're serious!™

Enough said!

Posted by convener at April 8, 2005 09:00 AM