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In Navel-Gaze or Thumb-Suck?

July 15, 2005

SUV Crackers for Peace!

Even with majorities within the US opposing the occupation of Iraq, the "common sense pragmatists" within sections of the antiwar movement continue to insist that the way to build opposition is to aim our message at the most right-wing, backwards, apolitical, and chauvinist sections of society.

This train of thought has perhaps reached its truest expression with the creation of the new organization, SUV Crackers for Peace. Although loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless be outraged by such a ridiculous formation, we consider it important to avail our legions of activists of even the most backwards developments within the movement. SUV-CP will doubtless soon take on the full trappings of faxtivism and develop some nice letterhead and a blog, but thus far they have managed only a short press conference, which we reproduce below.

Transcript: SUV Crackers for Peace Kick-Off Funstravaganza and Box Social

SUV-CP: SUV crackers, the most importance force within society due to the power of disproportionately large vehicles, have long been silent on the peace question. No longer. Previously, SUV crackers felt alienated from the antiwar movement. "I would think about going to peace rallies sometimes," says one of our founding crackers, "but sometimes they would be at the same time as important sporting events. Also, I would see lots of signs and banners, but none that were about my unique needs as an SUV driver and cracker."

Today, the literally dozens of SUV crackers from across the country who once felt shut out from the peace movement can participate proudly by becoming members of SUV Crackers for Peace and spreading the peace cracker message. To join, SUV crackers must meet the following criteria:

  1. Must own an SUV. (Acceptable exception: "The family has it. I don't have it.")
  2. Must agree that a thing needed in the world today is peace.
  3. Must get extremely uptight about the presence of actual antiwar content within the antiwar movement.
Bush administration, be forewarned! Now that the SUV crackers are getting organized, peace shall prevail!

What is the political ideology of SUV-CP?

Let me clarify. SUV-CP is a lot of things, but it is not political. To us, peace is not a political question. It's just a thing that people want, like better tasting low-carb cookies or a new Colin Farrell epic. So no. We do not have any politcal ideas, or in fact any ideas at all.

Why do you peace crackers want to end the war?

Let me make things more clear. We're not saying, "end the war." We're saying that peace is a thing that we would like to have. That's all.

What will SUV-CP do to move the US toward peace?

We're going to be spreading the peace message. So for instance, many of our members have already put peace sign themed spinners on their SUVs. So next time you find yourself next to an Expedition or Aviator, take a look at the hubcaps. What you see might surprise you.

Will SUV-CP be involved in the growing trend toward counter recruitment?

Yes and no. We're not going to tell America's youth that they shouldn't join America's army. We do think that some of the recruiters give enlistees some faulty information, though. For instance, did you know that only a relatively small portion of our people serving in the armed forces get to drive Hummers? That's the kind of thing they don't tell kids in recruitment sessions. We want to tell the young crackers, who are really the crackers of the future, that they might find better opportunities for driving oversized vehicles in civilian life.

What would you say to those who would call you unpatriotic for opposing your nation's policy abroad?

Let me clarify. We never said that we wanted to criticize our Commander-in-Chief's policies. We're just saying, as Americans, as SUV drivers, and as crackers, that a thing that we would not at all be against, would be peace. Furthermore, I believe that the highest calling for an American patriot is to invest the time and money needed to become a full-fledged SUV cracker. So we've proved our patriotism. Now, we're just saying that peace is not, by definition, unpatriotic, in all circumstances.

Posted by convener at July 15, 2005 03:48 PM