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In Take That, Osama!

July 15, 2005

We Demand Temporary Cosmetic Solutions!

[Sorry, folks! Here's another one, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security! We'll have to keep taking their grants until somebody else steps up to help us pay the telephone bills and the automo-bills. Until then, here's a message from some regular, upstanding Americans.]

As regular, upstanding Americans, when we learned of the bombings in London, we immediately assumed that terrorists would try to do the exact same thing in an important American city such as Omaha or Billings. (This is how the terrorist mind operates; the most dangerous moment is that brief window in the immediate aftermath of some attack that already happened.)

Therefore, we must demand security in the form of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims. Anything short of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims would be an affront to the American people and disrespectful to the many millions of Americans who have fallen victim to terrorism. A failure to provide useless and damaging quick-fixes is unacceptable.

We insist on the following:

  1. A period of about two weeks in which our backwards, useless American public transportation infrastructure, the envy of the 17th century world, is kept under the vigilant eyes of an increased number of racist, crooked, donut-fattened cops.
  2. A stern reprimand from our Commander-In-Chief, alerting terrorists to the fact that this nation frowns upon terrorism, as it runs counter to founding American ideals like single-sex suffrage and slavery.
  3. Blanket support for whatever Tony Blair wants to do from the entire US political establishment, unless it is insufficiently crazy.
  4. Roving wiretaps, so that our wires are tapped in a manner that is sufficiently roving.
  5. Careful scrutiny of library records to make sure that we know who dog-eared our copy of The DaVinci Code.
  6. A new, even more patriotic anthem performed by red-state darling Toby Keith.
  7. Some kind of big statue type thing.
  8. A war against Syria, a nation which we understand officials allege was rumored to be involved in some manner.
  9. Further privatization of public schools, just in case teachers' unions were somehow involved, which we do indeed assume.
  10. A friendly reminder that Muslims are not the enemy--just Islamo-fascists (who are generally indistinguishable from regular Muslims).

Posted by convener at July 15, 2005 03:26 PM