April 02, 2005

Milquetoast Liberals for Freedom!

[Friends, ReverseVoteSwap.org recently accepted a $25,000 contract from the Department of Homeland Security to conduct government propaganda in the guise of left-wing political satire. Dollar dollar bill y'all!]

Everyone knows that the greatest threat to America today is Osama, the Supreme Pontiff of Evil, who controls the worldwide Islamo-fascist terror network using eye-blink semaphores in home videos broadcast by the freedom-haters at Al Jazeera. But the second-greatest threat is liberals, the dangerous "second column" of American politics.

It's true that, historically speaking, liberals have always defended Freedom; indeed, they started most of the wars of the last century. But there is always a danger that their occasional squeaks of protest against whatever the Right is doing will transform itself into intransigent revolutionary criticism of the system as a whole. Thus it is necessary for liberals to cleanse themselves through frequent ritual declarations of their loyalty, patriotism, devotion to God and His Interpreters, etc.

That is why we must consider the following statement by George McGovern a great victory in the War on Terror:

Old-fashioned American liberals such as I are accused not only of being weak on defense but also weak on marriage and the family, the work ethic and reverence for religious faith. I resent such groundless political slurs. After all, I hold the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I have been happily married to the same woman for sixty-one years and am the father of five children and ten grandchildren--all of whom I love dearly, including dear, deceased Terry. As the son of a Wesleyan Methodist clergyman, I dare say that my life has always been enriched and guided by the Judeo-Christian ethic. Nothing has influenced my philosophy more than the Hebrew prophets and the Sermon on the Mount.
The evildoers will surely tremble when they learn that George McGovern, the milquetoastiest of all liberals, is also a studly soldier! No Koran-quoting quack is going to shake his unassailable belief in Judeo-Christianity! What will al-Qaeda do when they realize that the biggest failure in presidential election history, a man with nothing to lose, is still unmovably attached to America?

Take that, Osama!

Posted by convener at 08:58 PM

April 20, 2005

Ehrenreich sez: "Demand Cars for Darfur Killers!"

ReverseVoteSwap.org was shocked to learn of Barbara Ehrenreich's comments at the 2005 Left Forum opening plenary, where she said of the Darfur situation: "These people are riding around on camels and then going and committing genocide." The majority of ABB liberals are, of course, racists who think that all Arabs are terrorists, led by the supreme Arab terrorist mastermind Ralph Nader--but usually they don't go in for the Coulter-style "camel jockey" rhetoric, at least not while sober. We were preparing to mobilize the Reverse Vote Swapping masses for militant protest action until we received an advance copy of the following apologia from Ehrenreich. We found it puzzling enough to stay our plans, at least for now.

The Killers of Darfur Must Be Given Cars
by Barbara Ehrenreich

I've been asked a lot of questions about my statement about "people" in Darfur "riding around on camels and...committing genocide." Some have suggested that it was racist against Arabs. That is simply not so; as a leading member of the liberal intelligentsia, I am intrinsically incapable of racism. Besides, my anger is not directed against the swarthy killers of the Janjawid--rather, I am outraged at a system that compels them to do genocide without all the modern conveniences.

As an American it would indeed be racist of me to condemn the violence of some little Arab militia, given my support for the Kosovo War, the Afghan War, the occupation of Iraq, and other imperial adventures which are a thousand times worse. But I've always been a supporter of unprincipled violence provided that it's carried out properly. It is simply a disgrace that, in our world of abundance, innocents must still be slaughtered by people on primitive beasts. Nothing makes senseless murder worse (or, well, less good) than medievalism and lack of efficiency.

This is, I'm afraid, another example of the callous disregard this administration shows for America's global standing. Would it really be too expensive to equip the ethnic cleansers with modern vehicles? The costs would be more than repaid in international goodwill.

Now THAT'S the war on terror!

Posted by convener at 11:10 PM

April 26, 2005

War on Terror Justifications Tripled in 2004

[Friends, ReverseVoteSwap.org recently accepted a $25,000 contract from the Department of Homeland Security to conduct government propaganda in the guise of left-wing political satire. Dollar dollar bill y'all!]

Bush administration officials are delighted that world War on Terror justifications more than tripled in 2004, to 650 from a mere 175 in 2003. Thanks to the tireless and combined efforts of America's intelligence, diplomatic, and blowing-shit-up communities, the War on Terror is more excusable than ever.

A senior State Department official noted, "We launched this whole 'War on Terror' thing basically in response to some crazies getting pretty lucky once and killing a few thousand people. It looked kind of uncouth, you know? I mean, we probably smoosh that many people in six months of aid drops.

"But thanks to all this new terrorism sprouting up, the war seems more necessary than ever! Our data suggests that, if terrorist incidents continue to increase at this rate, in about ten years even ordinary people would begin to regard terrorism as a real issue, and not a boogeyman made up by the military-industrial complex."

Take that, Osama!

Posted by convener at 11:00 PM

May 12, 2005

Whites Cause Minor Security Kerfuffle

A single-engine Cessna wandering into restricted airspace over Washington DC caused a minor security kerfuffle on Wednesday, leading to the evacuation of much of the Capitol, White House, and Supreme Court. While the evacuations themselves must have been sort of stressful for the self-important old crackers who staff our commanding heights, overall the incident was handled in a cool, reasonable manner. The Cessna wasn't shot down, nor are the pilots facing charges, nor are the dangers being exaggerated to the usual degree. This is, of course, because the Cessna was piloted by white people.

The identities of the pilots have not been released to the media as of yet, nor have pictures. But we at ReverseVoteSwap.org know what's what. If those poor bastards had been one shade off Paleface, Bush would have already sealed the borders, filled the detention camps, revoked affirmative action, and been feasting on their charred carcasses.

ReverseVoteSwap.org salutes the Cessna pilots for not making the dangerous--even fatal--mistake of not being whites. America is in your debt!

Posted by convener at 10:50 PM

July 15, 2005

We Demand Temporary Cosmetic Solutions!

[Sorry, folks! Here's another one, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security! We'll have to keep taking their grants until somebody else steps up to help us pay the telephone bills and the automo-bills. Until then, here's a message from some regular, upstanding Americans.]

As regular, upstanding Americans, when we learned of the bombings in London, we immediately assumed that terrorists would try to do the exact same thing in an important American city such as Omaha or Billings. (This is how the terrorist mind operates; the most dangerous moment is that brief window in the immediate aftermath of some attack that already happened.)

Therefore, we must demand security in the form of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims. Anything short of temporary, cosmetic solutions and unrelated attacks on civil liberties and Muslims would be an affront to the American people and disrespectful to the many millions of Americans who have fallen victim to terrorism. A failure to provide useless and damaging quick-fixes is unacceptable.

We insist on the following:

  1. A period of about two weeks in which our backwards, useless American public transportation infrastructure, the envy of the 17th century world, is kept under the vigilant eyes of an increased number of racist, crooked, donut-fattened cops.
  2. A stern reprimand from our Commander-In-Chief, alerting terrorists to the fact that this nation frowns upon terrorism, as it runs counter to founding American ideals like single-sex suffrage and slavery.
  3. Blanket support for whatever Tony Blair wants to do from the entire US political establishment, unless it is insufficiently crazy.
  4. Roving wiretaps, so that our wires are tapped in a manner that is sufficiently roving.
  5. Careful scrutiny of library records to make sure that we know who dog-eared our copy of The DaVinci Code.
  6. A new, even more patriotic anthem performed by red-state darling Toby Keith.
  7. Some kind of big statue type thing.
  8. A war against Syria, a nation which we understand officials allege was rumored to be involved in some manner.
  9. Further privatization of public schools, just in case teachers' unions were somehow involved, which we do indeed assume.
  10. A friendly reminder that Muslims are not the enemy--just Islamo-fascists (who are generally indistinguishable from regular Muslims).

Posted by convener at 03:26 PM

August 10, 2005

Parents: The Anti-Islamo-Fascism

[Sorry folks, another paid message from the Department of Homeland Security. High-class taste bloggers got to spend paper!]

Nothing is more devastating to a parent than to lose a child to militant Islam. However, many parents are not trained to spot the signs of experimentation with Islamo-fascism, or are uncertain of how to confront their child about it. The Department of Homeland Security, based on the smashing success of other government programs, has developed this guide to help. Remember, defending the Homeland begins...at home!

Is Your Teen a Jihadi? Take the Quiz!

Do you find that your teen:
  • Has started hanging out with brown-skinned people?
  • Has suspicious grooming habits, such as wearing a light jacket?
  • Has lost interest in Western cultural staples like Joey or the marches of John Philip Sousa?
  • Is reluctant to attend church, Sunday School, choir practice, Bible camp, and other normal activities?
  • Uses secretive, non-American languages?
Have you found:
  • Evidence of bomb paraphenalia such as alarm clocks, electronic devices, or common household chemicals?
  • (For Boys) Evidence of facial hair?
  • (For Girls) Evidence of hats, scarves, or other burqa precursor materials?
If you answered YES to some or none of these questions, your child could very well be possibly getting involved with Arab terrorist extremism maybe!

Mujahideen Lingo: Know What To Listen For

Have you ever heard your teenager reference a specific time and place, for example, "Meet me at the bus stop at 4:20?" Many parents don't realize that appointments are often "secret code" for coordinated suicide bombings. If you hear your teenage arrange a meeting with someone, call him on it. Let him know you know what he's talking about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s no tolerance policy for martyrdom operations. You should also be aware of street terms for terrorist materials such as cake, package, tube, powder, and Allah.

Confronting Your Teen Islamo-Fascist

Here is a suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.

PARENT: I love you and I’m concerned about you.

TEEN: Jigga wha?

P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me and report me to the al-Qaeda.

T: Jigga who?

P: Stop saying "jigga" all the time, damn it! Now where was I? Oh yeah: I'm pretty sure you are experimenting with Wahhabism. I’m going to ask you to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.

T: Ji--uh, I mean, nothing.

P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye with me, but I see I have to "smoke you out of your hole."

T: Why?

P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you, and America, are safe. Your sympathy with fundamentalist strains of Islam puts our way of life at risk.

T: At risk how?

P: If your terrorist friends were to win, we would lose our strategic foothold in the Middle East, and possibly even in the Central Asian states! This would force American capital to obtain key energy resources without the advantages of implied or direct military power, in equal competition with other world capital formations.

T: Well, that doesn't seem too unfair...

P: Wow, I can see now that I should have acted much sooner. We are rolling back your social life until we can be sure you are no longer a Muslim. Also, you'll now be forced to sleep standing up and wearing a burlap hood.

T: That is so stupid. You can’t!

P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are healthy and patriotic. We don’t believe you can be your best if you subscribe to the teachings of Sayyid Qutb, so we are going to help you to stay away from them until we are sure you can help yourself.

Posted by convener at 10:37 AM