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In Take That, Osama!

August 10, 2005

Parents: The Anti-Islamo-Fascism

[Sorry folks, another paid message from the Department of Homeland Security. High-class taste bloggers got to spend paper!]

Nothing is more devastating to a parent than to lose a child to militant Islam. However, many parents are not trained to spot the signs of experimentation with Islamo-fascism, or are uncertain of how to confront their child about it. The Department of Homeland Security, based on the smashing success of other government programs, has developed this guide to help. Remember, defending the Homeland begins...at home!

Is Your Teen a Jihadi? Take the Quiz!

Do you find that your teen:
  • Has started hanging out with brown-skinned people?
  • Has suspicious grooming habits, such as wearing a light jacket?
  • Has lost interest in Western cultural staples like Joey or the marches of John Philip Sousa?
  • Is reluctant to attend church, Sunday School, choir practice, Bible camp, and other normal activities?
  • Uses secretive, non-American languages?
Have you found:
  • Evidence of bomb paraphenalia such as alarm clocks, electronic devices, or common household chemicals?
  • (For Boys) Evidence of facial hair?
  • (For Girls) Evidence of hats, scarves, or other burqa precursor materials?
If you answered YES to some or none of these questions, your child could very well be possibly getting involved with Arab terrorist extremism maybe!

Mujahideen Lingo: Know What To Listen For

Have you ever heard your teenager reference a specific time and place, for example, "Meet me at the bus stop at 4:20?" Many parents don't realize that appointments are often "secret code" for coordinated suicide bombings. If you hear your teenage arrange a meeting with someone, call him on it. Let him know you know what he's talking about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s no tolerance policy for martyrdom operations. You should also be aware of street terms for terrorist materials such as cake, package, tube, powder, and Allah.

Confronting Your Teen Islamo-Fascist

Here is a suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.

PARENT: I love you and I’m concerned about you.

TEEN: Jigga wha?

P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me and report me to the al-Qaeda.

T: Jigga who?

P: Stop saying "jigga" all the time, damn it! Now where was I? Oh yeah: I'm pretty sure you are experimenting with Wahhabism. I’m going to ask you to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.

T: Ji--uh, I mean, nothing.

P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye with me, but I see I have to "smoke you out of your hole."

T: Why?

P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you, and America, are safe. Your sympathy with fundamentalist strains of Islam puts our way of life at risk.

T: At risk how?

P: If your terrorist friends were to win, we would lose our strategic foothold in the Middle East, and possibly even in the Central Asian states! This would force American capital to obtain key energy resources without the advantages of implied or direct military power, in equal competition with other world capital formations.

T: Well, that doesn't seem too unfair...

P: Wow, I can see now that I should have acted much sooner. We are rolling back your social life until we can be sure you are no longer a Muslim. Also, you'll now be forced to sleep standing up and wearing a burlap hood.

T: That is so stupid. You can’t!

P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are healthy and patriotic. We don’t believe you can be your best if you subscribe to the teachings of Sayyid Qutb, so we are going to help you to stay away from them until we are sure you can help yourself.

Posted by convener at August 10, 2005 10:37 AM