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In Navel-Gaze or Thumb-Suck?

May 30, 2005

Future Liberal Marriages of Convenience

Loyal Reverse Vote Swappers are doubtless familiar with the tendency of the most "pragmatic" liberals to triangulate themselves in bizarre alliances with the most reactionary forces. These marriages of reactionary convenience, although fun to ridicule, always result in decreased prospects for progressive movements and an empowered right-wing.

Take the strange case of Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich, now fast friends after years of ostensible bitter hatred. Now that they're pals, the benefit for each is obvious. Newt gets the second shot at a political career he never deserved, and Hillary gets to prove that she can get along with Newt, a feat that will doubtless earn her meager amounts of respect amongst Republicans who will still vote against her in 2008 anyway.

In a similar vein, we are thrilled to inform you of arch-imperialist Thomas Friedman's kookie scheme to unite right-wing hawks and environmentalists in a movement to decrease US oil consumption. Currently only in the theoretical arena, such "unity" would offer the right some green gloss, while offering the liberals the chance to demonstrate their pragmatism.

We can only assume that these moves will be trend-setters, as the one core principle of the Democratic Party is the incessant repetition of the most backwards ideas. As a service to our loyal Reverse Vote Swappers, we provide the following list of predicted future alliances between liberals and reactionaries, which will surely be explained as "pragmatic" when they inevitably come to pass.

Campaign Against Unexploded Ordnance
A joint venture of pro-war and anti-war forces
"Surely, we can both agree that extra stockpiles of unexploded weapons are a critical problem. They should either be recycled, or used to bring democracy to one of seventy failed states."

Coalition for Global Cooling and Refreshing
Activists against global warming plus the Coca-Cola Corporation
"Surely, we can all agree that keeping the planet cool and refreshed will go far to prevent global warming."

League for Attractive Animals
Wildlife preservationists and rich yuppie tourists
"Surely, we can all agree that America must preserve its rich heritage of animals that are not ugly or stinky."

Committee Against Extremist Media
Air America joins hands with FOX News
"We can all agree, surely, that extremist left-wing media is a threat to the American way of life."

Not In Our Dogs
Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum fight as one!
"Surely, we can all agree that the scourge of bestiality must be rigorously opposed."

United for Popes and Fetishes
Liberal and reactionary Catholics bridge the gap
"Surely, we can all agree that the dazzling, jewel-encrusted lustre of the Catholic Church must be defended from atheistic decadence."

Posted by convener at May 30, 2005 08:15 AM