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August 21, 2005

RVS.org Guide: How to Read Police Reports

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless already be familiar with and outraged by the police murder of Jean Charles de Menezes, a young Brazilian man gunned down in a subway car during the current wave of racist hysteria in the aftermath of the London transport bombings. As though the initial reports were not disgusting enough, it is now clear that almost every detail within these reports was a police fabrication.

Pragmatic ReverseVoteSwappers, of course, know better than trust the words of racist cops trying to protect their own asses. It can still be difficult at times to wade through the various layers of police misdirection, obfuscation, and bullshit. Therefore we offer the following translation guide, so that next time an innocent person is gunned down on either side of the Atlantic, our readers will immediately be able to assemble the facts without waiting the requisite five to six weeks before the truth is actually published.

The ReverseVoteSwap.org Guide To...Reading Police Reports

Cop sez: "The suspect was linked to an ongoing terror investigation."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect was uncooperative."
Translation: "The guy rolled around while we were kicking him, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "The suspect was wearing a bulky, winter-style parka, which fits the profile of a suicide bomber."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect seemed agitated."
Translation: "We were beating the guy."

Cop sez: "We were unable to immediately positively ID the suspect."
Translation: "I had to take a piss, so we weren't really paying attention, but then we saw this guy and figured he'd do."

Cop sez: "Suspect seemed to be driving erratically."
Translation: "I saw a non-white driver, which immediately aroused my suspicions."

Cop sez: "The suspect was verbally hostile."
Translation: "The arrestee asked us to follow legal police procedures, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "We had to make a split-second decision."
Translation: "We felt bored after just following the guy and wanted to kick it up a notch."

Cop sez: "The incident is under internal investigation."
Translation: "It'll take more than the usual whoppers to get us out of this one."

Cop sez: "We put our lives on the line every day."
Translation: "We are constantly armed and will shoot anyone who makes us jumpy."

Posted by convener at 06:02 PM

August 18, 2005

A Story You May Have Missed

August, usually a slow news month, has been packed with excitement this time around, especially with various Zionophilic organs making much hay out of Israel's strategic relocation of a bunch of settlers from land they swiped in Gaza to land they're about to swipe in the West Bank. As a result, some pretty interesting news is falling through the cracks. We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org were particularly fascinated by a piece that we reproduce below.

Anguish as Car Thieves Forced to Give Up Favorite Cars

LOS ANGELES -- The decision by the heads of the city's leading auto theft ring to repaint and resell some of the small-time hoods' favorite cars has provoked much anguish and soul-searching among some of the nation's most dedicated thieves.

"This is disgraceful," said one gangster. "I've driven this car for several days, and it's a part of my spiritual being. The people I stole it from, they were just animals, they didn't know how to use a car properly. For instance, I installed those fuzzy dice myself."

At one repaint shop, a thief became so agitated that he obtained a gun and shot three commuters. A prominent mafia-linked novelist called this a "profound expression of the deep emotional crisis the thieving world is undergoing."

He added that he expected to see a new outburst of poetry, essay, song, and visual art from the gangland community exploring their feelings of loss and dislocation.

Victims of auto theft were not considered important enough to be reached for comment.

Posted by convener at 11:51 AM

August 15, 2005

C&RC: "Defend Iraq from Militant Christianism"

[The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the looming threat of fundamentalism in post-Saddam Iraq.]

Everyone wants a democratic and secular Iraq, in which all forms of religious expression are accepted and tolerated by the state, up to and including the most crazy-ass ones. The realization of this dream, however, seems less rather than more likely as the occupation continues. The post-Saddam government of Iraq, rather than representing the full diversity of religious belief throughout the nation, is dominated by a single ideology of extremism.

Although the majority of Iraqis declare themselves to be simply "Muslim" without referring to any one branch or another, the authority of state power and the control of military forces within Iraq is dominated utterly by extremist, militant Christianism.

Bush himself, who, as US Emperator, holds Iraq as his personal fiefdom and pleasure colony, subscribes to a shadowy branch of Christianism known as Methodism. An offshoot of the Church of England, early Methodists were renowned for their fanaticism and intense desire to convert the hapless masses to their ascetic and narrow Christianist Methods.

Despite the passage of centuries, contemporary Christianists are united in their extremist beliefs. Some Christianists are rumored to ritualistically consume small amounts of transubstantiated blood on a weekly basis, although this has not been confirmed and is a controversial claim. But Christianists are quite open about their political aims, if not their mysterious ceremonies. They seek to hold women in permanent subservience to their husbands. They seek to eliminate all references to biology (particularly human physiology) from the education systems within nations under their control. They seek to remove any vestiges of modern infrastructure so that they might refer all financial and welfare questions to the purview of autocratic religious officials.

Truly, these are dangerous extremists. Their domination over US society is nearly complete; it is our duty in the belly of the beast to to prevent these dangerous Christianists from inflicting similar misfortunes on the Middle East.

There is only one way to prevent yet another nation from falling under the domination of this dark ideology: Cut and run, y'all!

Posted by convener at 11:13 PM

August 11, 2005

C&RC Announces "America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home"

[ReverseVoteSwap.org is pleased to support the following initiative by the Cut & Run Caucus.]

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently announced a America Supports You Freedom Walk on September 11, 2005. This march--sorry, "freedom walk"--will commemorate the fact that, since 9/11, Americans have been getting violently killed at an unusually high rate, even by American standards. The Cut & Run Caucus can appreciate the sentiment behind such an event, but we feel that it's ultimately not in keeping with the prevailing national mood, which is dominated by feelings of defeat and self-hatred. Inasmuch as such feelings encourage Americans to cut and run, they are the road to national salvation, and must be encouraged.

The C&RC is therefore proud to announce the AMERICA IS FUCKED OCCUPATION STAY-HOME! Read on for the exciting details!

About the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home

What is the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home (AIFOSH)?

The AIFOSH is an event on September 11 that allows us to commemorate how fucked America is and has been since 9/11--maybe even earlier--and reflect on how to get ourselves out of all this shit.

What is the AIFOSH route?

AIFOSH participants will gather at their individual homes and, in a massive show of national ennui, stay there. In an extra display of solidarity, try not to change out of your pajamas.

Who is supporting the AIFOSH?

  1. The Cut & Run Caucus
  2. ReverseVoteSwap.org
  3. www.ReverseVoteSwap.org
  4. http://www.ReverseVoteSwap.org
  5. The Liberal Media (oh snap!)
  6. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (invited)

Why is the Cut & Run Caucus organizing this event?

As we watched the attacks of 9/11 unfold, all Americans were united in thinking: "We must find the people who are behind this terrible act, and give those mofos whatever they want! Oh shit!" Sadly, these courageous feelings of surrender were manipulated by warmongering politicians, and the country was drawn into a war with these mofos who are like serious. With the AIFOSH we hope to recapture that 9/11 sense of capitulationist panic, but tempered with the cool malaise that only four years of continuous, losing war can bring.

What is the message of the AIFOSH?

We're hoping to convey the following powerful messages:

  1. America is fucked.
  2. America's military men and women are even more fucked than the rest of America generally.
  3. Cut and run, y'all!

Posted by convener at 01:24 AM

August 10, 2005

Parents: The Anti-Islamo-Fascism

[Sorry folks, another paid message from the Department of Homeland Security. High-class taste bloggers got to spend paper!]

Nothing is more devastating to a parent than to lose a child to militant Islam. However, many parents are not trained to spot the signs of experimentation with Islamo-fascism, or are uncertain of how to confront their child about it. The Department of Homeland Security, based on the smashing success of other government programs, has developed this guide to help. Remember, defending the Homeland begins...at home!

Is Your Teen a Jihadi? Take the Quiz!

Do you find that your teen: Have you found: If you answered YES to some or none of these questions, your child could very well be possibly getting involved with Arab terrorist extremism maybe!

Mujahideen Lingo: Know What To Listen For

Have you ever heard your teenager reference a specific time and place, for example, "Meet me at the bus stop at 4:20?" Many parents don't realize that appointments are often "secret code" for coordinated suicide bombings. If you hear your teenage arrange a meeting with someone, call him on it. Let him know you know what he's talking about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s no tolerance policy for martyrdom operations. You should also be aware of street terms for terrorist materials such as cake, package, tube, powder, and Allah.

Confronting Your Teen Islamo-Fascist

Here is a suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.

PARENT: I love you and I’m concerned about you.

TEEN: Jigga wha?

P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me and report me to the al-Qaeda.

T: Jigga who?

P: Stop saying "jigga" all the time, damn it! Now where was I? Oh yeah: I'm pretty sure you are experimenting with Wahhabism. I’m going to ask you to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.

T: Ji--uh, I mean, nothing.

P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye with me, but I see I have to "smoke you out of your hole."

T: Why?

P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you, and America, are safe. Your sympathy with fundamentalist strains of Islam puts our way of life at risk.

T: At risk how?

P: If your terrorist friends were to win, we would lose our strategic foothold in the Middle East, and possibly even in the Central Asian states! This would force American capital to obtain key energy resources without the advantages of implied or direct military power, in equal competition with other world capital formations.

T: Well, that doesn't seem too unfair...

P: Wow, I can see now that I should have acted much sooner. We are rolling back your social life until we can be sure you are no longer a Muslim. Also, you'll now be forced to sleep standing up and wearing a burlap hood.

T: That is so stupid. You can’t!

P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are healthy and patriotic. We don’t believe you can be your best if you subscribe to the teachings of Sayyid Qutb, so we are going to help you to stay away from them until we are sure you can help yourself.

Posted by convener at 10:37 AM

August 03, 2005

C&RC: Advice for Immigrants on Whitey-Avoidance

The Cut & Run Caucus, upon learning of the recent subway execution of Brazilian Jean-Charles Menezes by London cops, experienced the same range of emotions felt by all sensible people the world over: intense anger, profound sorrow, and a deep sense of holy fucking shit they shot him eight times!

Much has been made of the fact that Menezes was in Britain on an expired student visa, as though this bit of useless information made the punishment fit the crime. This horrific murder of an innocent immigrant signals increased scrutiny of those in Britain and the US on student visas. As we have said before, given that the majority of competent individuals residing in the US are foreign-born, attacks against immigrants threaten to fuck up the shit of the very fabric of the nation.

Therefore, the Cut & Run Caucus would like to offer a a preview of our forthcoming primer for immigrants, particularly those on student visas, so that their stays in the US might be as terror-free as reasonably possible. Of course, these are only safety precautions, not solutions. Attacks on immigrants will continue until the US finally decides to cut and run the hell out of Iraq.

Cut and run, y'all!

Preview: "The Cut & Run Caucus Guide for Immigrants Enduring Life in the US"

From the Introduction

Greetings, immigrants! Doubtless, numerous whites have told you that this is a land of freedom, opportunity, and tolerance. Sensibly, you ignored these statements, and have spent your time in the US keeping your head down, struggling to support your family, and doing your level best to avoid whitey and his strange, unprovoked wrath. We hope that this guidebook can provide you with some valuable assistance in this area.

First, a note about whitey. You have most likely developed the impression that US whites are a bunch of gun-toting sociopaths. This is a healthy impression, and we will not attempt to dissuade you of it. However, you should know that in truth, most white Americans are just distressed, hapless people, incapable of any real harm. (We suggest watching 80s hip hop videos for an accurate representation of US whites.) Knowing this, though, will not keep you any safer, which is why this guidebook is so important.

Advice Regarding Interactions With the Local Bacon

Of course, as you already know, the po-po should be avoided at all costs. This is simply basic common sense. These are just some things to keep in mind on the off chance that you do find yourself nose to nose with one of these goons.
  1. No sudden movements. They're likely drunk, and can get confused by quick gestures.
  2. They have a terrible time with verbal communication. Therefore, slow your speech, and be sure to speak loudly. It's also not a bad idea to always carry the means for non-verbal communication in case you find yourself dealing with a particularly dumb specimen. A pad of paper for stick figure drawings, a simple puppet stage, or Etch-a-Sketch will all do nicely.
  3. Remember: Cops know absolutely nothing about the law. That is why, it all likelihood, the first question a cop will ask you will be, "Uhh, are you allowed to do that?" Cop authority, rather than being legally based, has complicated tribal origins. To a cop, the only thing that matters is the question of whose balls are being busted. Hence a cop will say either, "Listen, I'm not tryin' to bust your balls," or "Why you tryin' to bust my balls?" if you try to explain yourself.
  4. Avoid eye contact. In cop society, eye contact is interpreted as part of a complex, primitive ritual. If you make eye contact, cops will assume that you are trying to fight over a potential mate or donut. Hence if eye contact is made, avert your gaze and let the cop know, slowly and loudly, that you are by no means interested in busting his balls.

Things to Remember While Using US Public Transport

Nothing. US mass-transit is an urban legend.

Odds and Ends

Anything in the US labeled "World's Greatest" or "World Champion" or "International Sensation" can be assumed to mean "decent by American standards."

Don't drink the water! Many a tourist and immigrant has suffered greatly and developed what is often labeled "Carnegie's Revenge." Water in US cities lead-filled to the point that you can usually taste it. Rural water supplies, while often tastier, are generally full of pesticides. Stick to imported Perrier just to be safe!

In case martial law is declared, be sure to always know the location of the nearest Cuban or Venezuelan embassy.

The US is filled with vicious gangs, which are involved in all manner of criminal enterprise: brainwashing, graft, and child prostitution in particular. Stay safe--steer clear of Catholic churches and related entities! (Immigrants from Catholic countries will already know about this one.)

Posted by convener at 01:41 PM

August 01, 2005

Ask a Judge Roberts!

There is, perhaps, no greater addition to a politician's arsenal of ways to tastefully ignore his constituents than email. At least a diligent citizen can stuff a handful of anthrax in a physical letter when he wishes to underline his point--the worst that can be transmitted via email is a computer virus, which one suspects the average US elected official, always concerned to get the best deals on Viagra or the sweetest cuts on Nigerian bank transfers, already possesses in spades.

The latest act in this political sideshow is the Senate Democrats' Ask John Roberts page. The idea is that YOU, the lowly netizen, can ask some intern to ask some staffer to ask some Senator to ask John Roberts a question! How antidisenfranchising! Of course we at ReverseVoteSwap.org are inclined to believe that by the time a serious question makes it up that totem pole, your "why the hell did you let the fucking cops get away with handcuffing a little girl for eating a french fry on the subway?" will become something like "I think I love you, so what are you so afraid of?"

But let it not be said that RVS.org looks askance at any opportunity for political dialogue, even the most sub-stupid. We enthusiastically encourage our loyal readers to submit questions for Roberts to the Senate Dems--and we've even provided some samples below!

Ask a Judge Roberts!

Dear Judge Roberts:
What would you and the Republicans do if the Democrats weren't the sort of spineless losers who have already more or less agreed to confirm you without a fight, as evidenced by the sorry-ass website to which I am currently posting?

Dear Judge Roberts:
I have three related questions.

  1. Who's your housekeeper?
  2. And what you keep in your house?
  3. What about diamonds and gold, is that what you keep in your mouf?

Dear Judge Roberts:
On a scale of 8 to 10, how gay would you say you are?

Dear Judge Roberts:
Your son was photographed performing a charming dance during your announcement of your nomination to the Supreme Court. Would deadly force be justifiable in this situation, or is mere tazing adequate?

Dear Judge Roberts:
What if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered? Wouldn't that be crazy???

Dear Judge Roberts:
Assuming such a threshold exists, how much worse than you will it have to get before the Democrats do something?

Dear Judge Roberts:
How is it that you manage to perch what appears to be an Oriental small-clawed otter so stably on your obviously hairless pate? Also, does this make your head legally a protected habitat?

Posted by convener at 03:32 PM

C&RC on the John Roberts Nomination

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the Roberts nomination.

Cut & Run Caucus on the John Roberts Nomination:
"America Is Not Ready for Such a White Justice"

The Cut & Run Caucus was deeply disturbed to learn of President Bush's nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Of course he is a political nightmare, but that would hardly phase us; what is most troubling is his unbelievable whiteness. At this point in our nation's history, America is not ready for such a white Supreme Court Justice.

This is, of course, a pretty white country, and, in spite of a growing population of ethnic minorities, seems to be getting whiter all the time. But even still, we no longer live in the age of sock hops, Zoot Suits, Queen Victoria, and whatever else cracker stuff used to be the big thing. The country is simply not prepared for a Supreme Court Justice who makes Toby Keith look like Afrika Bambaataa. America has, as the youth say, "moved on dot org."

The Cut & Run Caucus calls on the United States Senate to refuse confirmation to this racist monkey honky-dog thieving pirate.

Posted by convener at 01:01 PM