October 02, 2004

The Kerry Factor

With the death of the thousandth US soldier in Iraq, the decay of workers' living standards, and the attack on civil liberties, the electoral conditions for defeating Bush are clearly emerging. However, the overall strength of the anti-Bush united front is weakened by one factor: John Kerry.

With his "me too" politics, contempt for his base, and boring-ass self, Kerry threatens to derail Ralph Nader's campaign to oust Bush and dismantle the Bush agenda. With Republican money (nine of Kerry's top twenty contributors gave more to Bush), frightening connections to right-wing extremists (like Ariel Sharon's shadowy "Likud Party"), and an extensive campaign of legal harrassment, Kerry is trying to disrupt the campaign of the only serious anti-Bush candidate out there.

Progressives need to become aware of the dangers of this "Kerry Factor" in order to combat it. As a public service, ReverseVoteSwap.org presents the following objective electoral analysis. Based solely on empirical data that no reasonable person could deny, we make the following obvious assumptions:

  1. Without Kerry, the legal harrassment against Nader would end, and he would appear on every state's ballot;
  2. Without Kerry, 95% of his supporters would vote for Nader, who they really agree with anyway;
  3. Without Kerry, Nader would get into the debates and flay Bush, winning 60% of his votes;
  4. Nader's strong, unobstructed campaign would inspire the 50% of eligible voters who don't vote, and 97% of those would vote Nader;
  5. David Cobb and Pat LaMarche would switch their votes to Bush because Congressional Democrats would feel more comfortable working with him.
Here is the electoral map as it stands today, WITH the Kerry Factor:

Electoral College Projection with the Kerry Factor

And WITHOUT the Kerry Factor:

Electoral College Projection without the Kerry Factor

We appeal to all people of good conscience--tell Kerry, "DON'T RUN!"

Posted by convener at 12:41 AM

Get Out the Vote, Be-atch!

As a uniformly reactionary politician, John Kerry has been having a hard time bamboozling the usual Democratic base into voting for him. His problems with women voters have been the subject of rigorous analysis by psephological science; in any event, the ranting of certain hysterical liberals gives it away.

Of course, the troubles of John Kerry are of no concern to us as ReverseVoteSwap.org, as there are plenty of Bush voters in the swing states with whom to execute Reverse Vote Swaps. However, we have learned, by means of courageous defectors and exiles, that the Democrats are already in the process of launching a major campaign of browbeating. As a public service, we expose these underhanded tactics so that our customers are not caught unawares.

Mary Beth Cahill, nominal head of Kerry's ring of evil viziers, has often stated that women voters are "late deciders" (you know how women are). In the following photo, John Edwards tries to get these broads to hurry the hell up.

Edwards harangues innocent women

We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org think that the deterioration of the Democrats' strength among women has something to do with their abandonment of issues women care about. The Democrats have decided that they need to strike more macho poses to woo the "security mom." Internal poll data shows that the Democrats' traditional mascot, the jackass, causes voters, deep in their subconscious mind, to associate Democrats with a jackass. The following draft logo combines the Kerry campaign themes of hope and destruction of America's enemies in a nuanced way to convey a more positive, patriotic message.

Come see the harder side of Kerry

Finally, this proposed billboard advertisement will run in all cities with large progressive, union, Latino, or Black populations.

Democrats' message to progressives

Posted by convener at 11:04 AM

October 03, 2004

Tell John Kerry: Don’t Destroy Your Legacy!

ReverseVoteSwap.org is leading a national campaign encouraging John Kerry to abandon his egomaniacal campaign for President. We urge our loyal Reverse Vote Swappers to write John and let him know that we won’t stand idly by and watch him throw away his legacy. Please either print our sample letter and mail it to Kerry-Edwards headquarters or write your own. Encourage your progressive friends to do the same. John Kerry’s vanity campaign must not be allowed to destroy all that progressives have worked to create!

Dear John Kerry,

As a concerned progressive voter and ReverseVoteSwap.org user, I must urge you to cease your run for President and throw your support to Nader-Camejo. You are risking splitting the progressive vote, which could result in the election of George W. Bush. And, as Bush was not legitimately elected in 2000, he is still eligible for two more terms. We understand that the idea of a second term for Bush likely does not bother you very much, since you support virtually his entire platform. However, progressive Americans cannot endure any more of the Bush/Kerry agenda. Please--we beg you! End your dangerous campaign now!

I must also point out that your campaign is not merely risking damage to America and the rest of the planet. You are also destroying your own legacy! Mr. Kerry, as a Massachusetts Senator, you have created a long legacy of screwing things up a fair bit. Protect that legacy! If you continue this vanity campaign, your new legacy will be one of screwing things up entirely. If I were you, I would pick being remembered as “not that great” over being remembered as one of the most damaging figures in our country’s history. The choice is yours: save your legacy of mediocrity, or trample it. Help get Bush elected, or tell your supporters to vote for the only progressive candidate who can possibly win: Ralph Nader.

Concerned ReverseVoteSwap.org User

Print several copies and pass them along to friends and coworkers!

Kerry-Edwards 2004, Inc.
P.O. Box 34640
Washington, DC 20043
202-712-3001 (fax)
202-336-6950 (TTY)

Posted by convener at 01:36 PM

The Sayings of Chairman Terry

Our liberal friends often write to ReverseVoteSwap.org to remind us that the Democratic Party isn't solely made up of cynical, corporate-controlled politicians like John Kerry. That's true. It's also made up of cynical, corporate-controlled machine bureaucrats like Chairman Terry McAuliffe of the Democratic National Committee.

The Chairman assumed the leadership post in 2001, catapulting the Democrats to unprecedented levels of fundraising and losing elections. You can learn more about this important figure at the Chairman's Corner, which details the Chairman's heroic struggle to transform the Democratic Party from a pro-business party to a fanatically pro-business party. You can also enjoy a delightful photo of Bill Clinton ogling Natalie Portman's cleavage.

In order to better communicate key Democratic values, the Party is launching a new book, Quotations from Chairman Terry, which collects the Leader's most significant bits of wisdom for easy reference. ReverseVoteSwap.org has obtained the thrilling cover image, which we submit for your consideration.


We also cannot refrain from leaking some material from the manuscripts.

  • Liberalism is extremely harmful in a liberal party. It is a corrosive which eats away unity, undermines cohesion, causes apathy and creates dissension. It robs the consultant ranks of compact organization and strict discipline, prevents policies from being carried through and alienates the Party organizations from the masses which the Party leads. It is an extremely bad tendency.
  • We shall support whatever our enemies support; and oppose whatever our enemies oppose.
  • One requirement of Party discipline is that the minority should submit to the white guy. If the view of the minority has been rejected, it must support the decision of the white guy. If necessary, it can bring up the matter for reconsideration at the next meeting, but it won't do any good.
  • The Democratic method of resolving contradictions among the people is epitomized in the formula "unity, shut the fuck up, unity". To elaborate, it means starting from the desire for unity, resolving contradictions through shutting the fuck up, and arriving at a new unity on the old basis. In our experience this is the correct method of resolving contradictions among the people.
This fine manual of tactics will surely explain how Kerry won by moving to the Right; or, in the event that he loses, how he didn't move far enough to the Right.

Posted by convener at 05:12 PM

October 07, 2004

The Way of Nuance

The dominant stratactical trend in the 2004 election can be summarized in a single word: NUANCE. Indeed, this is the most nuanced campaign season to date, according to the extensive research performed by the ReverseVoteSwap.org think tank. Like many pieces of political jargon (think triangulate, NASCAR dad, shizzle, swing-state) nuance is a word that is more often used than it is understood.

As a service to all Reverse Vote Swappers, ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to share our analysis of the role of nuance in the current election cycle. Although its mystical power holds millions of liberals in thrall, nuance can be easily understood via the process of decoding John Kerry’s statements and policy positions by “reading” what Kerry actually says. However, out of any random sample of 100 Kerry voters, approximately zero (plus or minus a margin of error of three) will have actually read Kerry’s statements on key issues. Because reading Kerry’s statements is so politically useful and so rarely done, ReverseVoteSwap.org has concluded that this act may in fact be against the law. Our lawyers are currently investigating, so please continue to check back for updates. Therefore, at great personal risk, ReverseVoteSwap.org presents this groundbreaking report on nuance, Kerry-style.

First, some excerpts from the ancient Democratic strategy guide, the Book of Nuance.

  • We cannot know nuance itself, nor see its qualities direct, but only see by differentiation, that which it manifests. [1]
  • Just as the finest sword smith tempers the finest blade with his experience, so the liberal, with nuance, tempers progressive votes. With wise campaign advisors, contradictory positions can exist in unity, each with the other, because no Democrat need feel the need to question these positions, as to do so would threaten nuance itself. [15]
  • The Democratic politician acts as one with nuance, for he knows it is here that campaign contributions are found. It is for this reason that nuance is sought. Whilst voters at a rally enjoy muzak and pancakes, as these are supplied by a candidate, a description of nuance seems without form, for it cannot be heard and cannot be seen. But when the muzak and pancakes are all ended, the taste of nuance still remains. [28]
These excerpts may not prove particularly helpful in their raw form, so rather than subject our supporters to hundreds of pages of Democratic doublespeak, we have condensed nuance to a handful of key points. By its very definition, however, nuance has multiple definitions and in fact new definitions are being concocted in underground DNC laboratories throughout the blue states as we speak. Here some of the most important definitions:
  1. The ability to put a complete sentence together successfully. Common liberal usage: “Did you watch the debates? I was so impressed with Kerry’s ability to speak English, his first language. What a nuanced performance!”
  2. The ability to use more than one meaningless platitude in a single sentence. Common usage: “John Kerry is for a stronger America at home and abroad. That's what I call nuance!”
  3. The ability to advocate liberal and reactionary positions at the same time, without upsetting liberals. Common usage: “Sure John Kerry is for the war. But he’s also for winning the peace. Bush could never be so nuanced!”
John Kerry has used the Third Way of nuance to his greatest advantage. Thanks to the clever use of nuance, Kerry has contradicted himself with a commendable persistence and consistency. That is truly an accomplishment. Kerry’s nuance is proving so successful that he might manage the unprecedented feat of not losing that badly to the least popular politician on the planet.

Let us examine some key campaign issues so that we may see Kerry’s nuance in action.

The Occupation of Iraq

Kerry initially made the mistake of approaching this question in an un-nuanced way, until a recent injection of evil viziers set him on the correct path. Kerry is now against starting the war; or more precisely, against the way it was started; or more precisely, against that it was started without bamboozling enough foreign help. By eventually condemning something already universally understood to be a fuck-up, Kerry has fired the imaginations of anti-war liberals, even though his plan for continuing the occupation is identical to Bush's, with the exception that Kerry is the Anybody But Bush. Nuance to the rescue!

Abortion Rights

Kerry’s position on abortion rights is truly a master stroke of nuance. Kerry is proud to have supported “any number of judges who are pro-life or pro-something else that I may not agree with.” Hence thanks to the careful use of nuance, John Kerry has successfully promised that he will do nothing to strengthen a woman’s right to choose. Furthermore, by stating that he opposes abortion “personally” and believes “life does begin at conception” John Kerry has successfully captured pro-choice voters while simultaneously using the sort of anti-choice rhetoric that has eroded abortion rights for decades. Superlative nuance!


The USA PATRIOT Act, which brought the US to new lows in civil rights and new highs in stupid acronyms, is a widely despised piece of legislation. Thanks to his nuanced position, John Kerry will receive millions of anti-PATRIOT Act votes. This makes perfect sense, as Kerry’s strong anti-PATRIOT Act position is that he wants to maintain “95 percent” of the act and “strengthen” the remainder, which apparently needs to hit the gym. Another victory for nuance!

Gay Rights

Thanks to nuance, John Kerry has secured himself a reputation as a supporter of gay rights, despite any willingness to actually do or say anything that might have a positive impact on the lives of gays and lesbians. For instance, despite his stated opposition to a federal ban, Kerry was all for banning same-sex marriage in Missouri, and even has gone so far as to say he would have voted for the ban himself. Hence by using nuance and a combination of anti-gay rhetoric and slightly less anti-gay rhetoric, John Kerry will be supported by many looking to vote for an LGBT-friendly candidate. Nuance marches on!

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org could go into further examples of nuance and the Kerry campaign, but we suspect our loyal customers get the idea. Nuance is just one more reason to Reverse Vote Swap and show those motherf*ckers you're serious!™ thereby minimizing the potential impact of voting for John Kerry’s egomaniacal ego campaign of vanity, ego, vanity, and nuance.

Posted by convener at 07:14 AM

October 09, 2004

"We Wuz Tricked"

Once again, courageous defectors inside the Kerry campaign have leaked irrefutable evidence of the Democrats' nuance-related program activities to ReverseVoteSwap.org. In this slick, expensive-sounding radio spot, their sinister plan to woo anti-war liberals is revealed.

Download "We Wuz Tricked" (MP3, 0:45).

WARNING: The background music is very convincing. Be alert!

Posted by convener at 06:58 PM

October 19, 2004

Open Letter to John Kerry: Whom Amongst Us Are You Kidding?

Dear John Kerry,

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org request that you stop giving progressives the run-around and instead come forward with the truth. Since your 2004 campaign for President began in 1999, you have gained the support of progressives by promising one thing: a campaign that could help unseat George Bush. (Note: We are aware of your other campaign promises, such as tax cuts for corporations and a "tougher" policy towards Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, and Hunt's Ketchup, but these are not promises that many progressives pay attention to.)

However, your story, John, does not fit the facts.

If beating Bush is important to you, why then are you campaigning so heavily in "swing" states? If you were serious about beating Bush, you would stick to spoiled states, where your right-wing security rhetoric and pandering to the religious right, shooting-things enthusiasts, and business owners could conceivably steal some votes from Bush. The swing states are a different matter entirely. According to your own website, you have recently been campaigning heavily in Florida, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. By stumping so consistently in these swing-states, you risk taking votes away from Ralph Nader, the only progressive candidate in this election who can possibly beat Bush.

John, we do not begrudge you your right to run a reckless, ego-driven vanity campaign for President. In fact, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org find it quite inspiring; it is much like watching a droopy-faced pug puppy chase his tail endlessly. We must take issue, though, with your campaign's overwhelming lack of honesty. As it stands now, you are not helping progressives beat Bush; you are helping Bush by attacking Nader. Bush depends upon a lack of progressive alternatives to his right-wing schemes, and your campaign insures that progressive voices are silenced.

Therefore, if you are serious about beating Bush, prove it. Alter your campaign schedule, and make your way to some delightful little safe-state hamlets, where your campaign can do no harm. We suggest you take a look at San Francisco, Houston, Chicago, and New York City to start. Thanks to the electoral college, your campaign can do no damage in these cities. Although these townships lack the political influence of powerhouse cities like Sandusky, OH and Boone, IA, we believe you may find they still have a lot to offer. Their quaint charm may well just grow on you!

Thank you for your understanding and compliance in this matter,

Posted by convener at 08:06 PM

October 26, 2004

John Kerry: Heir to the Throne of Camelot?

Many progressive voters have not only been comparing John Kerry to George Bush; they have also been comparing Kerry to Democratic presidents and candidates from years past. We at ReverseVoteSwap.org have received countless emails from concerned citizens who believe that John Kerry is not cut from the same cloth as Democrats from years past. Many lose sleep wondering how, in the great Hall of Presidents in the sky, John Kerry would get along with a Harry S Truman or a Franklin Delano Roosevelt or a John F. Kennedy. Our fair and balanced analysis? Kerry is indeed the true heir to Camelot!

In order to set the record straight, we have summarized our analysis in the form of a friendly dispatch to Terry McAuliffe, another exemplary example of the species democraticus wankerus, as full credit for John Kerry’s rise to the position of Democratic presidential candidate goes to Terry and seventeen Iowa Democrats.

Thanks for More of the Same: An Open Letter to DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe

Dearest Terry,

We have had our differences in the past. And in all likelihood, we will continue to disagree on every question of principle until you have retired to the sort of luxury estate whose decadence we can only imagine. However, there is one thing we can agree on: a war-mongering corporate cretin like John Kerry is exactly the right candidate for the war-mongering corporate party you run with an iron fist. Well done!

When you chose John Kerry to compete against George Bush, you knew one thing for certain. You knew that you were facing off not just with Karl Rove, but also with Democratic candidates throughout history. And indeed, the competition is stiff. How can a modern-day Democratic candidate compete with, say, a Harry Truman? After all, no other Democrat can be the first to drop an atomic bomb on a civilian population! But Democrats need not worry. John Kerry is just the man for the job.

Let us compare him to one of the most beloved Democrats—John F. Kennedy. Kennedy accomplished more in his shortened presidency than anyone of any party. Who launched the botched and ridiculous “Bay of Pigs” invasion, the funniest outtake on the DVD of history? Who pushed the US to kill three million in East Asia in the horrifying Vietnam War? And most importantly, who pushed the world the absolute closest to nuclear annihilation? Jack Kennedy, that’s who! Not even Reagan managed better, and we all know how hard he tried.

Clearly, matching this is a tall order. We are confident, though, that John Kerry, the second JFK, is just the man to keep the Democratic Party doing what it does best: defending America from defenseless countries and insuring that corporations get the biggest slice of the Pie. Well done, Terry! And thanks from everyone at ReverseVoteSwap.org. You make our job easier by making sure that the lesser evil is as lesser and evil as possible.


Posted by convener at 09:23 PM

October 28, 2004

Senior Democratic Sez: "John, Don't Run!"

The gang here at ReverseVoteSwap.org is admittedly without nuance in our hatred for all imperialists, be they of the Republican or Democratic variety. However, we did find the following statement interesting, as it more or less makes our point from the perspective of our irreconcilable enemy. May it bring you enlightenment.

Dear Senator Kerry,

As a long-time Democrat, I have been following your campaign with an increasing sense of dismay. In this very close race, even a tiny handful of kooks could throw the election to an extremely dangerous man, whose reckless disregard for this nation's policy traditions stands in contrast to everything Democrats have traditionally fought for: Ralph Nader.

Ralph Nader would end the drug war, destroying America's network of narco-state client regimes. He would slash military spending, crippling our ability to lash out opportunistically. He would help the Palestinians, who don't even exist. And, most catastrophically, he would end the occupation of Iraq, without giving a second thought to the fantastic Iraqi riches that he would be irresponsibility turning over to the Iraqis.

As a Democrat, I understand that there are key differences between how we run the Empire and how the Republicans do it. I know how important it is to say a few nice words to the all homos, bitches, darkies, and blue-collar bums; it shuts them up, at least for a while. But this year, with the threat of a Nader presidency on the horizon, I feel that all imperialists must form a united front to defeat the forces of Progress.

Let's be honest, Senator Kerry--if you were serious about becoming president, you would have run in the Republican primary. Serious imperialists understand that the Republican Party is the true reactionary vehicle for defeating Nader. The kind of moral gymnastics represented by your campaign may make sense as a private imperial advocate, but not as a presidential candidate.

Senator Kerry, please withdraw now--before it's too late!

Sincerely yours,
Richard Perle, Registered Democrat

Posted by convener at 11:59 PM

November 01, 2004

CREAM's List

Reverse Vote Swappers may have heard of EMILY's List, a fundraising organization dedicated to providing free cash for women Democrats who aren't necessarily completely hostile to abortion (sorry, choice). Among such women's rights crusaders EMILY's List has assisted are Inez Tenenbaum, who supports a late-term abortion ban; Betty Castor, who supports a late-term abortion ban; and Stephanie Herseth, who supports a late-term abortion ban.

Given who EMILY's List blows its wad on, you may be thinking, "Dang, this EMILY must be one giant sucker." But you'd be wrong, since EMILY isn't a person at all! It's just an acronym for Early Money Is Like Yeast, an old feminist slogan which expresses the wisdom that, with enough cash, even a woman can win an election.

Now, EMILY's List hasn't been a particular success in terms of Democratic control of government, but it has been very effective at squeezing the cheese out of liberals--the very political formula pioneered by Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe. Naturally, the Chairman took note of EMILY's List and did the ladies one better with his bold new initiative: CREAM's List. Inside sources bankrolled by ReverseVoteSwap.org have obtained the Chairman's introductory letter to potential CREAM's List donors, which we are duty-bound to pass on to our loyal customers.

Chairman Terry McAuliffe Introduces CREAM's List

Friends, it is my honor as Chairman of the Democratic Party--the second-most popular political party in America--to introduce CREAM's List, a revolutionary new approach to fundraising that builds a bridge to the 21st century with traditional New Democrat values.

Friends, these days we know that "high-class taste niggaz got to spend paper." Study after study shows that voters are increasingly aware of candidates' personal bling vectors--and that it influences their choices at the ballot box. Cash rules everything around us, and Democrats must stay competitive in this area.

Friends, I am happy to report that, under my iron rule as Chairman, not only have we elevated more individual millionaires to public office, but the five richest Senators are all Democrats. Senator John Kerry, who has an almost 50% chance of becoming the next President, is over six times as wealthy as the nearest Republican Senator.

These are wonderful achievements, but we must not become complacent in our success. During the Party primary, Senator Kerry was, at times, forced to put up his personal shit as collateral for his campaign debts. Of course the Senator's mansions, cars, boats, planes, and whatnot are safe now--but that they were ever in danger is totally unacceptable. How would Democrats fare in the national bling-off if our candidate were to roll up in his ride with factory-installed, and not custom gold-plated, rims? What would the Senator's supporters think if he could not provide champagne with diamonds in the glass at his Beacon Hill soirees? It would mean nothing less than a complete collapse of confidence in the Party and the disintegration of the two-party system, opening the door to no-class scrubs like Ralph Nader.

It is to stave off this looming threat that I have started CREAM's List. The mission of CREAM's List is to provide generous funding to Democratic candidates who are already extremely wealthy. Filthy-rich politicians often find it difficult to raise money due to the crude yet effective rhetoric of player-haters; furthermore, they are tempted to dip into their own funds, having more than enough to satisfy their every material desire. But not even the blingiest individual could afford today's modern, zillion-dollar political campaigns without damaging their own personal largesse.

Friends, CREAM's List is an important weapon in our war to cleanse the Democratic Party of its traditional association with thug-like unionists, terrifying Blacks, hairy-armpit feminists, and other grody elements. Your support is crucial--please donate today!

Dollar dollar bill y'all,
Terry McAuliffe
Chairman, Democratic National Committee

Posted by convener at 07:19 PM