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May 30, 2005
RVS.org: Too Colored for 2005!
Loyal readers, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org always strive to make this website the most faddish and relevant to today's changing world. However, something has recently come to our attention which reflects some anachronistic views and habits on our part--and may even come off as culturally insensitive. To put it bluntly, RVS.org is simply too colored for 2005!If any term describes the course of racial politics over the last 25 years, it is: Revenge of the Cracker-Ass Crackers. Although most non-whites--nor, in fact, most whites--had anything much to say about this, it is, apparently, a political fact which must be slavishly adhered to. With deep embarrassment we must admit that we have not kept up with the times.
A survey of other leading leftish media outlets exposes how grossly isolated we have become.
- New York Times. Of eight regular columnists, only one is not white, a ratio of 12.5%. New York City as a whole is 55% non-white.
- Air America. Of 14 on-air personalities, two are non-white, for a 14% ratio. The station's major markets are all minority-majority cities.
- The Nation. None of six featured bloggers are of the lesser races, whereas 36% of Kerry voters were.
We are committed to bringing ourselves down to modern practices. We pledge:
- To institute a program of deformative action to ensure that already-dominant voices receive overwhelming representation;
- To draft Standards and Practices that ban the use of offensive, anti-white language like cracker-ass cracker;
- To stock the staff canteen with foods friendly to white taste and culture such as fluffernutters, extra fancy ketchup, totally lumpless gravy, and chicken with like NO flavor;
- To play more uniquely white music over the office PA system, such as STOMP, Blue Man Group, and Riverdance; and
- To reduce minority staff pay to 78 cents per white staffer's dollar, in conformance with national standards.
Posted by convener at 05:54 PM
Future Liberal Marriages of Convenience
Loyal Reverse Vote Swappers are doubtless familiar with the tendency of the most "pragmatic" liberals to triangulate themselves in bizarre alliances with the most reactionary forces. These marriages of reactionary convenience, although fun to ridicule, always result in decreased prospects for progressive movements and an empowered right-wing.Take the strange case of Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich, now fast friends after years of ostensible bitter hatred. Now that they're pals, the benefit for each is obvious. Newt gets the second shot at a political career he never deserved, and Hillary gets to prove that she can get along with Newt, a feat that will doubtless earn her meager amounts of respect amongst Republicans who will still vote against her in 2008 anyway.
In a similar vein, we are thrilled to inform you of arch-imperialist Thomas Friedman's kookie scheme to unite right-wing hawks and environmentalists in a movement to decrease US oil consumption. Currently only in the theoretical arena, such "unity" would offer the right some green gloss, while offering the liberals the chance to demonstrate their pragmatism.
We can only assume that these moves will be trend-setters, as the one core principle of the Democratic Party is the incessant repetition of the most backwards ideas. As a service to our loyal Reverse Vote Swappers, we provide the following list of predicted future alliances between liberals and reactionaries, which will surely be explained as "pragmatic" when they inevitably come to pass.
Campaign Against Unexploded Ordnance
A joint venture of pro-war and anti-war forces
"Surely, we can both agree that extra stockpiles of unexploded weapons are a critical problem. They should either be recycled, or used to bring democracy to one of seventy failed states."
Coalition for Global Cooling and Refreshing
Activists against global warming plus the Coca-Cola Corporation
"Surely, we can all agree that keeping the planet cool and refreshed will go far to prevent global warming."
League for Attractive Animals
Wildlife preservationists and rich yuppie tourists
"Surely, we can all agree that America must preserve its rich heritage of animals that are not ugly or stinky."
Committee Against Extremist Media
Air America joins hands with FOX News
"We can all agree, surely, that extremist left-wing media is a threat to the American way of life."
Not In Our Dogs
Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum fight as one!
"Surely, we can all agree that the scourge of bestiality must be rigorously opposed."
United for Popes and Fetishes
Liberal and reactionary Catholics bridge the gap
"Surely, we can all agree that the dazzling, jewel-encrusted lustre of the Catholic Church must be defended from atheistic decadence."
Posted by convener at 08:15 AM
May 26, 2005
Dems Snatch Humiliating Defeat from Jaws of Defeat
By now attentive Reverse Vote Swappers will have heard about how the Democrats averted the "nuclear" crisis by promising not to use the very thing the Republicans were trying to ban. This is truly ingenious; or at least, we certainly wouldn't have thought of it.Some liberals are depressed while others are just pleased as punch. Thus continues the ongoing crisis of liberalism, which we here at ReverseVoteSwap.org have characterized as the great choice between two historic paths: Navel-Gaze or Thumb-Suck? Stay tuned!
And what of the Party itself? By transforming what would have been a minor defeat that no one would have known about into a major humiliation that became impossible to ignore, Reid 'n' the Gang have performed the political equivalent of turning gold into lead. We hardly know what to expect next--with leadership like this, the grave's the limit!
Posted by convener at 09:14 PM
May 19, 2005
Frequently Asked Questions, Nuclear Edition
Friends, the Senate struggle over the "nuclear option" has generated a lot of Sturm, Drang, and even Gleichgültigkeit. Thankfully, the legal and political experts at ReverseVoteSwap.org are here to help! We answer your most frequently asked questions below.What exactly is the "nuclear option"?
The term "nuclear option" refers to the attempt by Republicans to undermine the filibuster, a device by which a parliamentary minority can hold up the business of the majority indefinitely.
Oh...why is this considered so crazy that it's called "nuclear"?
In the US political system, anything that creates nonzero levels of disagreement between the major parties is considered crazy.
How did the Republicans devise such a devious scheme?
They cribbed it from the Democrats.
So the "nuclear option" would eliminate the filibuster entirely?
No, not really. Since neither party really represents the will of the majority, the current ruling party more or less banks on losing control within the next few electoral cycles, once people have had enough time to a) discover that they're a bunch of jerks and b) forget that the opposition party is also a bunch of jerks. So the filibuster is in both parties' interests. The Republicans are merely threatening to set a precedent under which it cannot be used for judicial confirmations. Maybe it should be called the "bunker buster option."
Why are the Republicans so especially concerned about judicial nominations?
Judicial posts are both political nominations and permanent. What this means is that a party can offer a pretty cushy, tenured job to someone with complete indifference as to qualifications (or, more precisely, lack thereof). A federal judgeship is the ideal reward for a political crony who is loyal, yet too stupid or crude to even be a consultant. Obviously the satiation of such individuals is of the highest importance in modern politics.
Jesse Jackson has stated that the "nuclear option" threatens "our entire way of life." Is this true?
It depends. For an immense, nearly unanimous majority of Americans: fucking of course it isn't true. There is a tiny clique for whom these developments are quite decisive, but our demographic studies indicate that this group is fully disjoint with the set of Reverse Vote Swappers, so we can safely neglect to consider them.
Posted by convener at 10:40 AM
May 14, 2005
"Why Can't Paris Read?": A Bipartisan Appeal
Friends, we here at ReverseVoteSwap.org don't often address ourselves to both Republicans and Democrats, finding it distasteful enough to maintain contact with even one of the corporate parties. However, something has come to our attention which, in the absence of united and decisive political action, threatens the very future of this nation. Leaders of America: why can't Paris Hilton read?Ms. Hilton's abject and literal illiteracy, often rumored, can no longer be denied. We offer the following proof:
Hotel heiress Paris Hilton had Pamela Anderson giggling when the strain of having to read a restaurant menu for herself triggered one of her tantrums.This sorry anecdote had us giggling, too: giggles of shame.The blonde socialite was dining out with Anderson when she suddenly flew into a rage as no one was reading the contents to her.
Anderson says, "She's funny. Last time I met her we were in a restaurant together--she slammed the menu down and screamed, 'I hate reading! Someone tell me what's on the menu!'"
According to an extant biographical sketch from the national newspaper of record (USA Today), Ms. Hilton was educated at "a slew of posh schools on both coasts, including Professional Children's, Dwight, and Buckley." It's is obvious that our country's outdated system of compulsory private education for the rich is leaving behind our most-advantaged children. We call on leaders from both parties to undertake radical reforms to publicatize America's failing elite schools.
Lest Americans think that this crisis is limited to only one braindead hotel heiress, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to assure the public, on the basis of our own surveys of an elite Ivy League campus, that at least eighty percent of US bourgeois undergraduates do not possess basic reading, writing, or math skills. This scandalous situation must be rectified. Under the present social system, the children of the ruling class become the next ruling class, regardless of capability; life will surely be less brutish, or at least less irritating, if they are not completely stupid.
We propose that elite private schools like Dwight, Buckley, Choate, and Exeter be seized by the state, their faculties unionized, and their student bodies made at least three-quarters proletarian through busing. Students from overprivileged backgrounds could be issued vouchers so they'd have something short to practice reading.
In addition, a standard remedial curriculum should be obligatory for ruling-class nitwits. Some core components are suggested below.
Reading
The rich have servants to do everything for them, including read, so students will likely not be motivated to learn this skill. Interest can be piqued through modules like Discover Which Magazines Write About You! and Unlocking the Secrets of Your Own Signature.Writing
The same problem as above, only much worse. Modules include Notes: The Easy Way to Remember and Wounding Your Family with Tell-Alls.Mathematics
Rich children do not experience the problems of scarcity, making it difficult for them to grasp basic math concepts. Instructors should take a philosophical approach with modules like The Mysteries of Subtraction and Introduction to the Concept of Zero.Science
The imperialist and financial stage of capitalism has divorced the bourgeoisie from any knowledge of the production process and therefore science. The modules How Does My Lapdog Work? and What's In My Cocaine? should be relevant to students' real-life situations.Leaders of America, together we can save a generation of young men and women from becoming Paris Hiltons. We must brook no delay!
Posted by convener at 11:06 PM
May 12, 2005
Whites Cause Minor Security Kerfuffle
A single-engine Cessna wandering into restricted airspace over Washington DC caused a minor security kerfuffle on Wednesday, leading to the evacuation of much of the Capitol, White House, and Supreme Court. While the evacuations themselves must have been sort of stressful for the self-important old crackers who staff our commanding heights, overall the incident was handled in a cool, reasonable manner. The Cessna wasn't shot down, nor are the pilots facing charges, nor are the dangers being exaggerated to the usual degree. This is, of course, because the Cessna was piloted by white people.The identities of the pilots have not been released to the media as of yet, nor have pictures. But we at ReverseVoteSwap.org know what's what. If those poor bastards had been one shade off Paleface, Bush would have already sealed the borders, filled the detention camps, revoked affirmative action, and been feasting on their charred carcasses.
ReverseVoteSwap.org salutes the Cessna pilots for not making the dangerous--even fatal--mistake of not being whites. America is in your debt!
Posted by convener at 10:50 PM
May 02, 2005
Reid to Dems: Now's the Time for Shitty Compromise!
The wheels seem to be falling off the White House wagon lately: approval ratings down, the Social Security initiative stuck, the war highly unpopular, and half the country thinking Dubya's a liar. This is traditionally the kind of situation which the Democrats "take advantage of" by proposing all sorts of GOP-Lite plans, reminding Americans that Bush is the funner evil and restoring his popularity. And indeed, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid does not disappoint! We publish the following memo from Reid, obtained by ReverseVoteSwap.org, for our readers' information.Republicans on the Run: Now's the Time for Shitty Compromise!
Dear colleagues--We've always known the Bush Republicans were reckless, but until now we've never really experienced how dangerous they can be. Their capricious actions are threatening everything that we hold dear about the American political system: its stability; its steadiness; its stableness; its equipoise. Having bitterly divided the Red from the Blue, Karl Rove and his Crawford cronies are now doing even worse--reuniting them!
Solid majorities of Americans are now against Social Security privatization, the Iraq War, and plumb-crazy Christians getting all up in their biz-nazz. But, fellow Democrats, these are our issues, too! Should we let the GOP get in the way of implementing the ruling-class and right-wing policies we share? No, no, a thousand times no!
Friends, we must unleash the most devastating and nuanced weapon in the Democratic arsenal: the shitty compromise. I have already led the way with my brilliant gambit to save the filibuster by promising not to use it. Also, Senators Kerry and Clinton have co-sponsored anti-choice legislation with Rick Santorum which protects access to birth control by not necessarily banning birth control per se.
This is a good start, but we can do more. For example:
- Social Security: Propose a bill which allows for private accounts controlled by Wall Street con-artists--if they promise to donate 1% of their profits to faith-based charities!
- Iraq: Double military spending on Iraq--and on USO tours for our precious, precious troops!
- Civil Liberties: Renew the PATRIOT Act--provided that minority-owned businesses get at least one-tenth of all Homeland Security contracts!
- Gay Marriage: Support a constitutional amendment against gay marriage--in exchange for the Republicans promising never to say Democrats look, act, or are gay (even if it's true)!
Sic itur ad astra,
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid
Posted by convener at 11:07 PM