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April 26, 2005

War on Terror Justifications Tripled in 2004

[Friends, ReverseVoteSwap.org recently accepted a $25,000 contract from the Department of Homeland Security to conduct government propaganda in the guise of left-wing political satire. Dollar dollar bill y'all!]

Bush administration officials are delighted that world War on Terror justifications more than tripled in 2004, to 650 from a mere 175 in 2003. Thanks to the tireless and combined efforts of America's intelligence, diplomatic, and blowing-shit-up communities, the War on Terror is more excusable than ever.

A senior State Department official noted, "We launched this whole 'War on Terror' thing basically in response to some crazies getting pretty lucky once and killing a few thousand people. It looked kind of uncouth, you know? I mean, we probably smoosh that many people in six months of aid drops.

"But thanks to all this new terrorism sprouting up, the war seems more necessary than ever! Our data suggests that, if terrorist incidents continue to increase at this rate, in about ten years even ordinary people would begin to regard terrorism as a real issue, and not a boogeyman made up by the military-industrial complex."

Take that, Osama!

Posted by convener at 11:00 PM

April 25, 2005

ABB Abroad: Only Voting Blair Can Stop Blair!

As the scope and influence of ReverseVoteSwap.org increases, it is only natural that we would begin to gain more of a presence amongst progressives internationally. Therefore, it behooves us take on more international reporting, particularly when the issues facing progressives in different countries are so similar. Anybody But Bush-ism has a peculiar British variant: New Labour. This is a phenomenon similar to the rise of triangulating Democrats in the US, but with a strange twist. This lot have actually won some elections, and thus are all the more dangerous!

Thanks to the global ABB pandemic, Labour is borrowing several numbers from the John Kerry textbook. In order to foster greater relations between serious progressives on both sides of the Atlantic, we publish this cryptic bit of electioneering, forwarded to us by a member of our British section.

Stopping Blair's Illegal War: Why Progressives Must Vote Labour

In March, 2003, Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair followed US president George W. Bush into Iraq, endangering British lives and killing scores of innocent Iraqis in an unjust, illegal war. We must send the people of Iraq a message of peace. We must vote Labour.

Tony Blair has waged war against our system of public education. He has attacked the independence of the BBC. He has pushed a nation into war using false intelligence while still maintaining that the brutal war against Iraq is justified. Labour's Tony Blair has tainted Downing Street and tarnished the whole of British government.

There is only one man who can stop Tony Blair's reckless planning at home and abroad. That man is Tony Blair. We must show our support for a true, progressive agenda by awarding Blair his third Premiership on May 5. The differences have never been so clear, the stakes never so high, the pragmatic choice for progressives never so obvious. The only means at our disposal for sending a message of peace and hope is to vote for Blair's New Labour, no questions asked. Otherwise, we risk the continuation of Blair's disatrous policy in Iraq.

The world community is counting on us. Send Tony Blair a message for change on May 5: vote for him.

Posted by convener at 03:43 PM

Letter to Howard Dean: We Demand Zanier Threats!

Recently, DNC Chair and avowed enemy of the Reverse Vote Swap movement Howard Dean offered some altogether peculiar warnings regarding the possibility of a US pullout from Iraq.

According to the good doctor, an end of the US occupation could endanger the US in any one of three, sinister ways:

  1. Iraqis, free from a US occupation, would be free to pick a government that actually represented their desires.
  2. An end to the occupation would risk Kurdish calls for independence, which would make Turkey unhappy.
  3. The mysterious and inscrutable "Sunni Triangle," the Bermuda Triangle of the Near East, would, according to Dean, become a hotbed for terrorists.
Considering that no important Democrats or Republicans are calling for an immediate end to the occupation, it would seem that Dean's rant was aimed at the pragmatic section of the anti-war movement--the section that understands that you can't be against the war and for the occupation at the same time. Therefore, according to Dean's logic, the real threat to the globe is not the reactionary Bush/Kerry agenda, but instead serious anti-war activists.

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org are insulted. We have heard all of Dean's warnings before, and frankly, we find them tiring. If Dean is truly trying to scare activists out of the anti-war movement, he should really come up with some scarier threats. Therefore, we submit for your perusal the following letter to Doc D, in hopes of spicing up his future tirades.

Dear Howard Dean,

As an organization of serious political journalists, ReverseVoteSwap.org must take issue with your recent remarks in Minnesota regarding the US occupation of Iraq. In an event sponsored by the Minnesota ACLU, you offered dire warnings about the risk of a premature US pull-out from Iraq, using the same tired "War on Terror" scare-mongering that has been the standard line from the Bush administration since before the war even started.

So that you are aware, pragmatic anti-war activists calling for an immediate end to the occupation no longer find your rhetoric convincing, if ever they did. In truth, most of us found it racist and absurd when Bush was using it years ago. We find this nonsense no more convincing when it comes out of the mouth of a "progressive" like yourself. Therefore, we would encourage you to come up with new, scarier, and especially, zanier reasons why the US needs to stay in Iraq for another few generations. This way, progressives will at least be able to regard your tirades as a regular source of amusement, rather than a pointless bore.

In order to expedite this process, you can start with this list of scarier, zanier reasons to support the occupation.

  1. Saddam loyalists wired the entire nation to a vast, underground explosive device. Any sudden troop movements could set off this sensitive weapon.
  2. The Motion Picture Association of America warns that Saddam was mere months away from perfecting a new, ultra-fast method of DVD piracy. This technology must be kept out of insurgent hands!
  3. Sections of the Iraqi insurgency are rumored to be harboring Arabs.
  4. Terrorist "chatter" indicates that a sinister Iraqi billionaire is building a super-reflecting satellite capable of directing a swath of highly focused sunlight down to Earth, burning everything in its path.
  5. The Iraqi insurgents sent checks to everyone who voted for Ralph Nader in 2004.
These dire warnings will likely help you keep the DNC coffers filled for months to come.

Sincerely,
ReverseVoteSwap.org

Posted by convener at 03:39 PM

April 24, 2005

B├╝rokratzeitung

In These Times is carrying an article in its latest issue on the prospects for union backing of labor-oriented television and publications. Many unions do, in fact, have newsletters, but an SEIU focus group found that the "huge majority of people receiving a union publication are not looking at it, in the sense of not looking at it--period." The fact that it took a focus group to discover this is probably suggestive of a larger problem, inasmuch as most union mags read like grandma's family newsletters: a bunch of idle, and probably false, boasting about non-accomplishments.

The article suggests that labor invest in independent progressive outlets with a known pro-labor orientation. Sadly, our sources indicate that labor leaders are going in a somewhat different direction. Instead of issuing dozens of little bulletins, labor bureaucrats have decided to consolidate their efforts into One Big Magazine. It's called One Day Longer, and ReverseVoteSwap.org is giving you a special sneak-peek!

Here's a look at the cover of the inaugural issue:

one-day-longer_cover.jpg

And an excerpt from Katrina vanden Heuvel's interview of Andy Stern, which appears in the issue:

KvH: SEIU has recently launched an organization called Purple Ocean. Tell us about this savvy, nuanced new initiative.

AS: Thanks Katrina. As you know, unions in this country were built on an understanding of the collective power of workers to bring the profit system to a halt at the point of production. But thanks to the Internet and the French academy, we now know that's all outdated. Today people's true power lies in voting for Democrats and giving money to Democrats as atomized individuals.

KvH: That's a very savvy and pragmatic realization. It seems that, until recently, unions have resisted the insights of postmodernist theory.

AS: Yes, which is why it's so fortunate that so many current labor leaders are Ivy Leaguers. A very high percentage of Purple Ocean's revenue goes straight into Democratic Party politics, cutting out all the superfluous costs of organizing, legal defense, strike funds, and other detritus associated with class-based unionism.

KvH: Well, you do give out bumper stickers. Isn't that a bit 20th century?

AS: We're hoping to phase out the bumper sticker in favor of a blog-ad and Blackberry wallpaper.

KvH: Savvy!

Posted by convener at 12:44 PM

April 20, 2005

Ehrenreich sez: "Demand Cars for Darfur Killers!"

ReverseVoteSwap.org was shocked to learn of Barbara Ehrenreich's comments at the 2005 Left Forum opening plenary, where she said of the Darfur situation: "These people are riding around on camels and then going and committing genocide." The majority of ABB liberals are, of course, racists who think that all Arabs are terrorists, led by the supreme Arab terrorist mastermind Ralph Nader--but usually they don't go in for the Coulter-style "camel jockey" rhetoric, at least not while sober. We were preparing to mobilize the Reverse Vote Swapping masses for militant protest action until we received an advance copy of the following apologia from Ehrenreich. We found it puzzling enough to stay our plans, at least for now.

The Killers of Darfur Must Be Given Cars
by Barbara Ehrenreich

I've been asked a lot of questions about my statement about "people" in Darfur "riding around on camels and...committing genocide." Some have suggested that it was racist against Arabs. That is simply not so; as a leading member of the liberal intelligentsia, I am intrinsically incapable of racism. Besides, my anger is not directed against the swarthy killers of the Janjawid--rather, I am outraged at a system that compels them to do genocide without all the modern conveniences.

As an American it would indeed be racist of me to condemn the violence of some little Arab militia, given my support for the Kosovo War, the Afghan War, the occupation of Iraq, and other imperial adventures which are a thousand times worse. But I've always been a supporter of unprincipled violence provided that it's carried out properly. It is simply a disgrace that, in our world of abundance, innocents must still be slaughtered by people on primitive beasts. Nothing makes senseless murder worse (or, well, less good) than medievalism and lack of efficiency.

This is, I'm afraid, another example of the callous disregard this administration shows for America's global standing. Would it really be too expensive to equip the ethnic cleansers with modern vehicles? The costs would be more than repaid in international goodwill.

Now THAT'S the war on terror!

Posted by convener at 11:10 PM

April 19, 2005

Nuclear Inside Baseball

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org were stunned to learn that Democrats were going on the offensive against the "nuclear option." The use of nuclear weapons is, of course, a serious policy issue affecting billions of people--so naturally we expected the Democrats and Republicans to be in complete agreement. Turns out our instincts were correct; "nuclear option" is simply the name liberals have given to the attempt to revoke the filibuster in order to work themselves into a frenzy about it.

The filibuster is a device that allows a Senator to debate a bill for an unlimited amount of time unless 60 Senators vote to shut him up. Historically it has been used with greatest effect by Southern racist crackers to hold up civil rights bills, but it is also a key component of the liberal style of inside baseball. Unlike the racists, a liberal Senator will never actually filibuster, but merely threaten to filibuster. This will generally result in a concession that is basically worthless, but looks good in a fundraising letter. For example:

Thanks to a major e-mobilization of MoveOn members, we were able to get Senator Kennedy to make a lot of noise about filibustering the Resoration of Slavery Act! In part because of his efforts, Democrats were able to win an amendment to save Midnight Basketball!!! Please make a donation to help send Eli Pariser to the Kennedy Plantation to thank the Senator in person!
It's obvious what a deleterious effect the end of the filibuster would have on the whole of Democratic Party politics. The Party would be forced to rely on gaining Senate majorities through winning elections, which for Democrats means employing all sorts of crude appeals to people's class interests. Too terrible!

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org support the liberals in their struggle to defend the filibuster, and all manner of insider shenanigans. The more incapacitated they are by parliamentary cretinism, the more effectively the real-world Left can make its case. Best of luck, Democrats!

Posted by convener at 08:55 AM

April 12, 2005

The Complicated Mill

Ordinary common sense tells us that if you support the goals of an organization, it is rational to support the organization. Thus, Nader fans donated to the Nader campaign; Reverse Vote Swappers utilized ReverseVoteSwap.org; Bolsheviks personally participated in one of the Party organizations; and so on. As with many other things, however, the iron laws of logic become molten in the fevered minds of liberals who wish to support the Democratic Party. In this case, it is considered a virtue to squeeze one's cheese through the most byzantine conduits into the Party's coffers. To the extent that middlemen take a cut at every opportunity, thereby reducing the amount that the Democrats ultimately receive, this is very progressive. To the extent that people bamboozle themselves into thinking they're doing "independent politics," this is very harmful.

As a reductio ad absurdum, let us consider a recent ZNet "Action of the Week" proposal by Michael Albert. (Some of you may know Albert as a leading proponent of Participatory Economics, which shows the proletariat how, if it does not deviate an inch from Albert's utopian schemes, it can avoid all mathematical contradictions in the struggle for anarchism!) Here's the proposal, for those of you who like to conserve bandwidth:

MoveOn takes up campaigns that are in accord with their member's [sic] desires. To determine if their member's [sic] would support an effort to urge Bush and the U.S. government to withdraw our military from Iraq MoveOn would need to poll its members [got it right that time!]. It is, as of now, not doing so, claiming it knows that they would not support such a stance. The proposed action is to urge the leaders/hosts of MoveOn not to decide for their base, but to poll it and act on the results.
A poll follows. Which is to say, ZNet is polling its members on whether ZNet members should lobby MoveOn.org to poll its members on whether MoveOn.org members should lobby liberal Democrats to lobby the Democratic Party to favor withdrawal from Iraq. Hmm. In the spirit of fraternal Internet criticism, ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to suggest to ZNet that it may be more directly effective to induce butterflies to flap their wings in a different fashion.

On a final note, although 629 people thought the proposal was a good idea, only 370 said they would participate "for sure." To the extent that the numbers reveal the utter passivity of ZNet members, this is very harmful. To the extent that the whole idea is stupid anyway, this is very progressive.

Posted by convener at 09:52 PM

The Doctor Is In!

Hey everybody! Wow. It has been a busy 2005, and it's only going to get busier, since mid-term elections are just around the corner. Not to mention the fact that new DNC Chairman Howard Dean is completely reinventing the Party! It is truly, truly, an exciting time to be a Hysterical Liberal.

I'm sorry that I haven't answered your questions in a while! I've been involved in an awful lot of lobbying efforts lately, and I'm proud to say that all of them resulted in partial victories! For instance, though most of the Senate voted to accept Gonzalez as the new Attorney General, three dozen voted against him! Way to take a stand! (Usually I think that the Senate should just confirm nominees; after all, that's what we'd want Republicans to do if we had a Democrat in the White House, so why not pre-emptively return the favor? But in this unique case, the nominee in question is associated with torture, and torture is something I am personally against in most cases. Therefore, I had to speak out!)

Also, 162 Democrats voted to give Bush additional money for the war in Iraq, but several voted against it. Partial victory!

But enough about me; I should do the job the fine folks at ReverseVoteSwap.org are paying me to do. Let's answer some questions!

Dear Hysterical Liberal: At first, I was pretty jazzed about Dean taking over as head of the DNC. Later, however, I took a look at his pledge which describes his plans for the party. Have you seen this garbage? It doesn't say anything at all about bringing a more progressive agenda into the party. It just says, "use the internet." Shouldn't Dean be saying something about Iraq, or Social Security, or gay rights, or something?
--Blue-State Blues

Dear B-SB: First of all, no. You have to try better to understand the difference between politics and organizing! The two are very different things. Politics are things we talk about amongst ourselves. Organizing is what we do with other people, and it's important not to get the two confused! I know I'm still excited about the work of Dr. Chairman Dean, and I recite his pledge every night as I lay me down to sleep. It's just what the doctor ordered! (No pun intended!) Besides, I think he's really on to something with this internet thing. For instance, I think some liberal blogs would be a good idea, don't you? I think that some liberal bloggers could seriously shake things up and be a major force in 2008! So take the pledge, and quit whining.

Dear Hysterical Liberal: Did you notice that MoveOn.org has moved on from talking about the war? I thought that those guys were a serious political outfit, but now they won't talk about the most important issue in all of world politics. I'm seriously considering cancelling my membership. What do you think?
--Moving On Out

Dear MOO: First of all, you're totally wrong. Iraq obviously isn't the most important issue in all of world politics. To find out what's really most important, do what I do: Watch some TV, and see what the news guys are talking about most. Clearly, in light of the recent fight around Terry Schiavo and all the coverage given to the Pope, the most important issue in all of world politics is the death of people who are already basically dead. This is what liberals should be talking about! Maybe it wouldn't be so big a deal to be near death if Americans got to live in a country where a Democrat was President. Did you ever think about it that way? I'll bet not! My prescription for you? Take Dr. Dean's pledge! (No pun intended!)

Dear Hysterical Liberal: I don't understand why the Democrats don't take advantage of Republican stupidity. For instance, a clear majority of people were against Congressional meddling in the Schiavo case. The Democrats should have pointed out how absurd it was that Schiavo's parents tried to betray her wishes. Isn't Howard Dean a doctor or something? It seems like he could have really nailed Bill Frist. Why aren't these guys doing a better job?
--Dismayed or Confused

Dear DOC: First of all, these guys are doing a great job! You just have to understand pragmatic politics. Can you imagine the outcry from Jesusland if Democrats had said something reasonable about Terry Schiavo? The GOP would have accused them of being anti-life. Which is the same thing as pro-death. And that is not a label you want to be stuck with in politics! Democrats completely made the right decision on this one. Now they can refocus their energy on the real tasks of the day: getting Democrats elected! DOC, heal thyself! And take the pledge. (Pun implied.)

That's it for now, friends! I've got some envelopes to stuff!

Posted by convener at 01:11 PM

April 11, 2005

United Progressive Papists for Victory!

We keep our ears pretty close to the liberal ground here at ReverseVoteSwap.org, and as such have become pretty inured to the manifold ways in which lesser-evilism tries to burrow into the minds of the people. But man, even we didn't see this one coming. We present it here for your education and innoculation.

Announcing UNITED PROGRESSIVE PAPISTS FOR VICTORY!
A Savvy New PAC for Progressive, Pragmatic Catholics

Friends, like us you've probably been worried about the direction of the One Holy and Apostolic Church these days. As progressives, you've been disturbed to see the Church taken over by a bunch of shrivelled misanthropes who think Thomas Aquinas is the last word in science--but as pragmatists, you're totally committed to reforming the Church through its own feudal and monarchic structures. Finally, there is a PAC tailored to your needs. United Progressive Papists for Victory is building a strong, grassroots movement to change the Church.

The 2005 Papal Conclave is surely the most important election of our lives. The next pope could appoint as many as 100% of the College of Cardinals, or in fact abolish it, or in fact have them all boiled in oil for heresy. And since the pope is by definition always right, there's nothing we can do about it! The stakes have never been higher.

Unfortunately, the Vatican's outdated, no-party election system means that openly campaigning for progressive papal candidates can appear to many voters as a "spoiler" to the Will of God. It would be a serious strategic mistake to alienate key "swing cardinals" with a self-indulgent left-wing campaign--that's just reality. Reform-minded Catholics should opt for the more savvy, nuanced approach of praying for divine intercession and giving ca$h money to UPP for Victory.

But we're not stopping there--UPP for Victory is also initiating a massive lobbying campaign for Instant Runoff Apostolic Succession. IRAS allows progressive papal candidates to run strong campaigns without risking the "spoiler" label. Plus, IRAS is easy and cheap to implement. This sample ballot, from a simulated papal conclave run with real Catholic priests, demonstrates the elegant simplicity of IRAS:

instant_runoff_apostolic_succession.jpg

Progressive Catholics are on the move, and UPP for Victory is leading the way! Together, we can change the Church! Sic transit gloria mundi!

Sincerely,
United Progressive Papists for Victory

Posted by convener at 09:02 PM

Open Letter to Howard Dean: Draft John McCain!

As astute Reverse Vote Swappers are doubtless already aware, time itself works differently within the confines of liberalism. On the one hand, it is apparently still too early for liberals to contemplate any strategy other than blind support for Democrats despite 100-plus years of constant failure and betrayal. At the same time, it is never too early to begin the careful process of triangulating for future losses.

Considering the fact that the 2004 election resulted in an Anybody But Bush pandemic amongst progressives which began in mid-2002 and is still not quite over, it is in the best interests of serious, pragmatic Reverse Vote Swappers to consider any measures that could potentially shorten the 2008 election cycle. After all, if history has taught us anything--Reverse Vote Swappers tend to be of the opinion, controversial in progressive circles, that lessons can indeed be learned from the study of history--it is that the election cycle pulls progressives away from real struggle and leaves them stuck in idiotic debates about how a John Kerry occupation of Iraq would be far superior to a George Bush occupation.

With this in mind, ReverseVoteSwap.org is calling upon Fearless Democratic Leader Howard Dean to save progressives from a repeat of Distraction 2004 the only way he can: by drafting right-wing GOP kook John McCain as the Democratic standard-bearer in 2008.

Dear Howard Dean,

For decades, Democratic candidates have tried nearly every conceivable strategy to attract the support of right-wing GOP kooks. Racism, war-mongering, abandoning labor, supporting attacks on gays and lesbians-- all these moves have been tried, yet still Republicans control every part of the US government worth mentioning. "I know, I know," I hear you screaming to yourself, "but what else can we do to emulate this right-wing menace?"

Researchers at a leading think-tank, the Project for a New American Reverse Vote Swap, have succeeded in unlocking one last, overlooked hurdle. Whereas conservative Republicans run openly as Republicans, the very word "Democrat" is a bit of an burden. Despite your party's best efforts to distance itself from the oppressed, there remain certain liberals hell-bent on spreading the illusion that your party is interested in carrying out a progressive agenda.

The solution, then, is simple, Mr. Dean: run a Republican candidate in 2008. In 2004, John Kerry demonstrated his willingness to continue Bush's murderous war, to abandon the environment, to attack gays and lesbians, and basically to bend over backwards to mollify right-wing and corporate interests. He is, however, still a Democrat, and that was perhaps his fatal mistake. Do not make it again, Dr. Dean! In 2008, a split ticket is your only hope for salvation! John McCain can and must run at the top. For veep, we suggest a Democratic unknown from a red state, such as Wyoming. Remember how popular John Edwards was before people knew anything about him? You might also look into the possibility of a vice presidential candidate known simply as "White male middle-aged Evangelical Democrat TBA." We are not sure whether or not this is constitutional, but we suspected that since your lawyers no longer are busy suing Ralph Nader out of his hard-earned ballot lines, some of them could figure this out.

By now, you are likely questioning the generosity of ReverseVoteSwap.org. Why would serious progressives, your sworn enemies, offer such valuable, unsolicited advice? A fair question! In this matter, we have a confluence of interests. You wish to put a populist gloss on your efforts to push the Democratic Party rightward, and we wish to minimize the amount of time wasted by progressives agonizing over the 2008 election. By drafting John McCain today, you will land a decisive blow in the struggle to make the politics of right-wing GOP kookery more central to your party, and you will also save the rest of us the pain of a long, drawn-out primary battle.

Consider your options carefully, and you will doubtless understand the correctness of our position.

Sincerely,
ReverseVoteSwap.org

Posted by convener at 12:46 AM

April 10, 2005

RVS.org Responds to Election Fraud Allegations

Senator John Kerry claimed in a recent speech that some voters were kept away from the polls in the last election by means of "trickery and intimidation." This shows a bold new approach in Democratic Party scapegoatism, from blame Nader to the more flexible we wuz tricked! argument.

A Republican National Committee spokeswoman (ladies first at the GOP!) denounced Big Ketchup's speech as a "rehash" of "baseless allegations." We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org think that the RNC rep meant "baseless allegations" in the sense of the "baseless allegation" that the FBI killed Malcolm X; ie, a thing no one seriously investigates because it is both politically embarrassing and transparently true. However, as the nation's premier experts in voting analysis and chicanery, we are not prepared to fully associate ourselves with Kerry's views. The following press release should clarify our eminently nuanced position.

PRESS RELEASE: Law of Averages Ensures Accurate Vote for Bourgeois Parties
"As Many Tricked Into Voting As Out of It"

ReverseVoteSwap.org, the epoch-making website which revolutionized the theory and practice of vote-swapping, regards as fucking obvious Senator John "Big Ketchup" Kerry's accusations that "tricks and intimidation" were employed to keep potential voters away from the polls on Election Day. However, our analysis reveals that about as many people must have been tricked and intimidated into voting as out of it, making the vote--for the pro-corporate parties, at least--basically accurate.

Taking simply those votes accruing to Sen. Ketchup, it cannot be denied that many of them were due to shady publications like the Nation which made all sorts of lying claims about Kerry being "opposed to Bush" when in fact their agreement was nearly complete. Furthermore, intimidation and psychological manipulation by Anybody-But-Bush liberals was extremely intense, ensuring that only the most advanced political elements, like Reverse Vote Swappers, would have the tenacity to cast their vote for Nader. Inasmuch as both corporate parties are equally rich and shameless, it is only logical to conclude that the Democratic "get out the vote" scam was about as effective as the Republican "keep out the vote" scam; thus they cancel each other out.

ReverseVoteSwap.org strongly encourages Big Ketchup to MoveOn.org.

Posted by convener at 10:58 PM

April 09, 2005

ABB to English Dictionary

Despite our impressive growth during the last year, the independent Reverse Vote Swapping current within the progressive movement remains the minority position. Therefore, many of our loyal ReverseVoteSwappers must communicate with Anybody But Bush-style hopeless idealists. This can be a difficult and frustrating enterprise, but is sometimes necessary nevertheless. Unfortunately, ABB liberals cannot help but cloud their naivete with fuzzy, largely incomprehensible language. Alternately, ABB liberals use words like "pragmatic" to mean their literal opposite, confusing things further.

In order to better facilitate the ability of serious pragmatists to engage in debate with Kerrycrats, ReverseVoteSwap.org is happy to announce the launch of our ABB to English Dictionary project. We hope you find this initial batch of translations useful. We would also be pleased to post additional translations upon request, should you stumble across some new, incomprehensible ABB-ism overlooked by our dictionary.

ABB to English Dictionary

527
organ for unlimited transmission of ca$h money from the economic bourgeoisie to the political bourgeoisie; well-suited to individual rich twits with exotic agendas (eg, destroying Ralph Nader) that do not motivate cohesive fractions of the ruling class
action
voting for a Democrat and shutting the fuck up
base
constituencies that voted for Democrats 30-40 years ago
coalition
organization which, although strictly following the Democratic Party line, is named something other than "Democratic Party"
campaign
subsidiary political actions attached to an ordinary electoral campaign, but legally structured to circumvent financing laws
constituency
any group of people that might vote for Democrats on any basis; though meaningless given political equivalence of two major parties, the fundamental category of liberal sociological theory
cultural issue
material issue that Democrats wish to avoid
faith
obligatory political accessory, like American flag lapel pin
grassroots
institution involving a certain nonzero percentage of non-millionaires
impact
utter insignificance
international cooperation
utilization of modern public relations techniques to obscure American unilateralism
labor
organ for unlimited transmission of ca$h money from the organized proletariat to the political bourgeoisie
movement
see 527
NASCAR dad (var: person of NASCAR, people of NASCAR)
primitive humanoid organism that, to liberals, comprises vast majority of Americans
nuance
right-wing policy smeared with a small coat of left-wing gloss
peace
a state in which the opressed are relatively quiet about their oppression
political education
explaining to serious progressives the need to 1) vote for Democrats with whom they disagree on all political points and 2) shut the fuck up
politics
the art of the currently-existing
pragmatism
complete capitulation without any demands, eg: entering the Kerry camp without winning even a single progressive plank in his campaign; also: any strategy that defies elementary logic, eg: voting for reactionary Democrats to encourage them to move left
principle
ceremonial declaration; non-binding rhetoric that does not serve as a guide to action
progress
a condition in which the majority of reactionary measures are undertaken by Democrats rather than by Republicans
progressive
the state of being not quite as reactionary as a thing could possibly be under different circumstances
progressive infrastructure
a new channel through which people can donate ca$h money to triangulating Democrats, generally made possible through the careful use of new letterhead
progressive movement
the act of telling serious progressives to 1) vote for pro-war Democrats and 2) shut the fuck up
real world
bizarro world of liberal fantasies
security
condition of having a Democrat restrict civil rights
security mom
terrorism-obsessed mother whose previous soccer-related concerns now seem trite and naive
soccer mom
soccer-obsessed mother who has not yet comprehended the awesome threat of terrorism
sophistication
voting for Democrats in spite of major disagreement
strategy
any series of tactics, possibly with no mutual interconnection, provided the final action is voting for Democrats
stark differences
alternate phrasings
success
satisfaction of goals set in retrospect of failure of original goals
values
center-right policy presented as far-right moral imperative, eg: "John Kerry stands for allowing straight married couples to deduct a portion of their out-of-pocket medical expenses, which encourages marriage and procreation. Now that's real family values!"
victory
attainment of what one has attained, including nothing and less than nothing
voice
ability to raise issues under conditions where it cannot possibly have any effect
wedge issue
issue where difference between beliefs of liberals and the position of the Democratic Party is unusually vast

Posted by convener at 12:45 AM

April 08, 2005

Recent ReverseVoteSwap.org Victories

Like any serious progressive media outlet, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org recently found ourselves a bit discouraged. The forces of reaction in the US, led by George W. Bush and John Kerry, threaten not just people in this country and in Iraq, but all freedom-loving people across the globe. And although RVS.org has weathered the storm of Distraction 2004 and emerged stronger than ever, we are not yet of adequate size and strength to take on the full breadth of the united, Bush-Kerry agenda, thanks to the lasting Anybody-But-Bush-ism hangover from which progressives continue to suffer.

However, we were quite heartened to see this list of accomplishments, claimed by John Kerry's major ca$h money supplier, MoveOn.org This list pleases us, not because it reflects any actual accomplishments, but instead because it suggests that one can do absolutely nothing (or even make things worse!) and still create a list of proud achievements, more or less with a straight face. MoveOn's list is not simply a case of calling the glass half full rather than half empty. It is more akin to placing an empty glass outside and hoping for rain.

For instance, one of the "victories" claimed by Kerry's imperial apologists at MoveOn is the fact that Bush's second Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, only received "yes" votes from about 2/3 of the Senate. They go on to mention that Gonzales received more votes against confirmation than any Attorney General in history...save his predecessor John Ashcroft. This, then, means that the intervention of legions of MoveOn supporters actually made torture mastermind Gonzales more popular than Ashcroft, and MoveOn considers this a victory!

With that in mind, ReverseVoteSwap.org thought it only fair to list some of our own "victories" to inspire our loyal ReverseVoteSwappers!

We defeated John Kerry, one of our two most dangerous opponents!

Success! Things prior to November looked bleak. Because so many unrealistic, unpragmatic idealists threw their support behind anti-gay war monger John Kerry, the election looked to be a dead heat all through the fall. This meant that an Electoral College tie was a real possibility. In the event of such a tie, the President is chosen by the House and the Vice-President is chosen by the Senate. Under such a nightmare scenario, Bush would have been elected President and Kerry Vice-President. Such a good-cop/bad-cop administration would have meant numerous setbacks for progressive causes. Fortunately, due to the intervention of scores of ReverseVoteSwappers, John Kerry was successfully defeated, leaving the battle half won!

We helped prove how worthless blogs really are!

Victory! Although ReverseVoteSwap.org had by far the greatest effect on the election of all the political websites, its influence was still pathetic compared to big business, high government functionaries, the intelligentsia, organized crime, the landed aristocracy, Major League Baseball, late-night talk show hosts--even labor unions! Debunking the theory of a politically-important "blogosphere" ought to help move money into useful research and out of wasteful, pointless programs.

Anyone we left crushed and hopeless has as much money as they started with!

Sweet! Reverse Vote Swapping was always a free process, and our staff was motivated only by high civic ideals, not squeezing the cheese out of liberals. So if you're really depressed that Ralph Nader isn't president--which you certainly should be--why not treat yourself to some bath salts or a frozen yogurt with sprinkles? You can afford it, unlike those chumps that handed their change over to Kucinich, Dean, Music for America, the League of Pissed-Off Voters, Flossin' MCs for Kerry, or whatever the fuck.

We didn't stop fighting just because our enemies were crushed!

Triumph! The ABB liberals, Demogreens, Kerrycrats, and Nader-baiters got their asses spiz-anked in November--not only by one of America's leading nitwits, but a guy so dull that Al Gore beat him. That shit is pathetic. But we at ReverseVoteSwap.org never allowed our genuine, human feelings of sadness for their failure get in the way of our political duty to shower them with insults and contempt.

We showed those motherf*ckers we're serious!™

Enough said!

Posted by convener at 09:00 AM

April 05, 2005

The Art of Inside Baseball

LL Cool H--Liberals Love Cool Harry! Yes, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid has won the love of Democrats everywhere for his hard-fighting, take-no-prisoners style. Now, our loyal ReverseVoteSwappers, who are accustomed to judge politics through concrete acts and not subjective fantasies, may disagree: Reid has more or less collaborated with Republicans on everything, from boosting war funding to slashing bankruptcy rights to helping pass the Terri Schiavo Carnival of Reaction Act of 2005. But friends, have you not heard how Reid is shaking up the Democratic political consulting community? Or how he called Alan Greenspan a "political hack" on a pundit show???

Senator Reid is indeed a great political warrior, but it is necessary to understand his method of Inside Baseball. This is a very advanced fighting style, comprehended by few and appreciated by fewer. Fortunately Senator Reid has written the definitive text on it, the Art of Inside Baseball. Although not expected in stores for some time, ReverseVoteSwap.org has obtained the manuscript, along with the arousing back cover image:

Leader Reid

We shall quote as much as we can legally get away with below.

Harry Reid said: The art of inside baseball is of vital importance to Politics.

In your deliberations, when seeking to determine the political conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:

  1. Which of the two Leaders is imbued with the Ca$h Money?
  2. Which of the two Leaders has the most DC Cronies?
  3. With whom lie the advantages derived from Think Tanks and Foundations?
  4. From which side's donors is the Cheese most rigorously squeezed?
By means of these considerations I can forecast victory or defeat.

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must hold back; when our forces are active, we must disperse them; when we are near, we must run away; when we are far, we must run away farther.

Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in demonstrating to the enemy your Nuance.

Posted by convener at 06:46 PM

April 04, 2005

Advice to ABB Liberals: Name Changes to Fool Red-Staters

Nothing fails like failure, and countless liberal lobbyist organizations have chosen to further their causes by sticking with the same, useless method of adjusting their messages to connect with their idea of what the working stiff on the street wants to hear. A standard practice for liberal groups is to abandon any language that even hints at what they're trying to accomplish. The argument such groups make goes something like this: We can't possibly get anyone to agree with us on principle, so we should just give ourselves a name that people can agree with in part, or else a name sufficiently bland to prevent all but insiders from having any idea what our group is about.

For instance: the word NARAL is, in fact, an acronym, even though this organization has abandoned any ties to troublesome terms like "abortion rights" or "action" and has opted for the more red-stately moniker Pro-Choice America. Note the addition of a NASCAR-friendly term like "America." If your liberal lobbyist organization is not willing to change its name to include buzzwords like "America" or "Freedom" or "Fuck Osama" then it's likely that you are simply unserious and out of step with the liberal intelligentsia's latest research on working class yokels. Likewise, the gay rights organization with the absolute best track record when it comes to wasting money on Democrats is called the Human Rights Campaign, a perfect name for an organization dedicated to furthering the struggle for the rights of gays and lesbians due to its utter lack of any red-state unfriendly terms like "gay" or "lesbian." (Sometimes, just to be safe, they just use the acronym HRC, as this could also stand for some sort of red-state group, like the Houston Ranching Coalition.)

Although many progressives are insulted by this kind of silly and counterproductive pandering to the right, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org consider it a positive step. Our hope is that as Democratic Party front groups adopt more and more conservative-sounding names, their followers will become disgusted and jump ship, realizing that social change comes not through throwing ca$h money at Democrats, but through mass action and mass Reverse Vote Swapping. With this goal in mind, RVS.org has drawn up a list of suggested name changes for different liberal groups. Each name is guaranteed red-state friendly!

The name of each existing liberal group is followed by a possible new, Kerrycrat-style name which will certainly sit well with pragmatic, triangulating Democrats!

NARAL Pro-Choice America:
Patriots for Freedom (of choice)

Progressive Democrats of America:
American Patriots for Progress and Democracy

National Organization for Women:
Patriotic Ladies' Auxilliary

Win Without War:
America Rules! Coalition

MoveOn.org:
MoveOn.tv

American Civil Liberties Union:
No Osamas Union

Democratic Socialists of America:
National Socialists of America

The Nation Magazine:
The Nation BBQ and Grille

Posted by convener at 01:50 PM

April 03, 2005

Ted Glick in Plain English

Trying to read and understand the writing of left-liberals is hard, onerous work. They are, by nature, slippery creatures who gravitate toward the most ambiguous and mushy formulations. They communicate as if through a thin but just-visible gauze, like a Barbara Walters interview. Fortunately, we at ReverseVoteSwap.org are experts. As a service to our readers, we would like to present the following translation into Plain English of liberal misleader Ted Glick's latest meditation. The original appears in italics, our translation in plain text.

Some Thoughts on Where We Are
Stop Criticizing Me and My Friends Just Because We Were Totally Wrong

The progressive movement, broadly defined, from socialists/Marxists on the left to reasonably progressive Democrats on the right, has been doing its best over the past several months to counter the various Bush/Republican attacks: the continuation of the Iraq war, maddening appointments to Cabinet positions and judgeships, the bankruptcy bill which will tighten the economic vise for many working people, the weakening of legal avenues for challenging corporate violations of people's rights, the efforts to dismantle Social Security, etc.

I would like to start by implying that some Democrats are part of the progressive movement.

It's an uphill battle, and we are very much on the defensive, but there is reason to believe we can hold off some of the worst plans, such as on Social Security, and moderate others. The Republicans are not monolithic; there are internal divisions that will probably grow deeper and wider as the jockeying develops over who will be the '08 Presidential nominee.

Maybe progressives should support a centrist Republican in 2008 as the lesser evil. Something to think about!

However, the progressive movement can in no way count upon the Democratic Party in either the House or the Senate. What else is new?

The progressive movement should totally count upon the Democratic Party, but it's really too embarrassing to say so.

As has been true for a long, long time, there is a crying need for a unified, independent political movement which can both bring pressure to bear around critical issues and build towards a political realignment that will bring about the creation of a strong and powerful people's alternative.

Man, it would be cool to be a paid staffer for a social-democratic party rather than a bunch of liberal think-tanks.

There are a number of factors preventing the emergence of such a movement....

There are a number of excuses preventing the emergence of such a movement.

There are hopeful signs that a growing number of progressives outside of the Democratic Party and progressives within it are seeing the importance of consciously working together to counter the dangerous, fascist-like tendencies of the Bush/Cheney administration and to discuss longer-term strategy.

Foundation money and professional liberals have created an exciting new front group!

The Progressive Dialogue III meeting in early December which led to the birth of United Progressives for Democracy is one such sign.

The name of this front group is "United Progressives for Democracy."

Another is the successful coalition work in December and early January between the Green Party, IPPN, other independent progressives, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rep. John Conyers, Progressive Democrats of America and others which led to the successful January 6 challenge to the Ohio electoral college electors. That success has in turn inspired an on-going, new voting rights movement....

Damn, I really thought Kerry was going to win the election. My friends and I can't stop whining about it!

At the same time, there is a political current on the Left which underestimates the dangers posed by the near-dominance by the Republicans of all three branches of government. Though a very minor current within the overall progressive movement, and even within the progressive third party movement, they have some influence.

People like Ralph Nader and ReverseVoteSwap.org were completely right about everything, and now everyone's starting to realize it. Oh snap!

The tactics used by some, probably a small percentage, go over the line into sectarianism. Within the Green Party, as a prime example, some supporters of Ralph Nader's 2004 independent Presidential campaign are continuing to level ridiculous attacks on David Cobb and those who supported him as little more than fronts for John Kerry.

I think it's really mean to tell the truth about someone, even when they've completely fucked up your organization.

Nader's VP candidate, Peter Camejo, just sent out a fund-raising letter to try to retire Nader's campaign debt in which he wrote that long-time, prominent progressives Norman Solomon, Medea Benjamin and Matthew Rothschild, in his words, "embraced the pro-war corporate Democrats" last year....

It's really cynical to use the truth to raise money.

United Progressives for Democracy is a prime example of the kind of conscious communication and collaboration that is needed right now. Though still young and resource-poor, it is a model for both the kind of respectful, dialogical political process and the kind of seeking-for-unity-in-action that are so essential today.

Instead of giving money to the jerks at Nader/Camejo, why not give money to me?

Author Immanuel Wallerstein, in an essay "Antisystemic Movements," spoke of this way of working in relationship to the building of unity among diverse groups. He spoke of the need for "a conscious effort at empathetic understanding of the other movements, their histories, their priorities, their social bases, their current concerns. Correspondingly, increased empathy needs to be accompanied by restraint in rhetoric. It does not mean that movements should not be frank with each other, even in public. It means that the discussion needs to be self-consciously comradely, based on the recognition of a unifying objective, a relatively democratic, relatively egalitarian world."

I am the kind of person who has read Immanuel Wallerstein, and I am comfortable enough with his work to employ it in brilliant non sequiturs.

The last thing we need right now is the "correct line" approach, individuals or small groups claiming to have all the answers or quick to jump on other progressives for their supposed failings.

There are things more important than being right, for instance: being popular; being a full-time foundation flunky instead of having to get a real job; being called "savvy" by Katrina vanden Heuvel; and getting a slice of that sweet, sweet liberal cheddar!

Sometimes, the most revolutionary of acts is the act of listening.

Stop criticizing me and my friends just because we were totally wrong!

Posted by convener at 10:47 AM

April 02, 2005

Milquetoast Liberals for Freedom!

[Friends, ReverseVoteSwap.org recently accepted a $25,000 contract from the Department of Homeland Security to conduct government propaganda in the guise of left-wing political satire. Dollar dollar bill y'all!]

Everyone knows that the greatest threat to America today is Osama, the Supreme Pontiff of Evil, who controls the worldwide Islamo-fascist terror network using eye-blink semaphores in home videos broadcast by the freedom-haters at Al Jazeera. But the second-greatest threat is liberals, the dangerous "second column" of American politics.

It's true that, historically speaking, liberals have always defended Freedom; indeed, they started most of the wars of the last century. But there is always a danger that their occasional squeaks of protest against whatever the Right is doing will transform itself into intransigent revolutionary criticism of the system as a whole. Thus it is necessary for liberals to cleanse themselves through frequent ritual declarations of their loyalty, patriotism, devotion to God and His Interpreters, etc.

That is why we must consider the following statement by George McGovern a great victory in the War on Terror:

Old-fashioned American liberals such as I are accused not only of being weak on defense but also weak on marriage and the family, the work ethic and reverence for religious faith. I resent such groundless political slurs. After all, I hold the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I have been happily married to the same woman for sixty-one years and am the father of five children and ten grandchildren--all of whom I love dearly, including dear, deceased Terry. As the son of a Wesleyan Methodist clergyman, I dare say that my life has always been enriched and guided by the Judeo-Christian ethic. Nothing has influenced my philosophy more than the Hebrew prophets and the Sermon on the Mount.
The evildoers will surely tremble when they learn that George McGovern, the milquetoastiest of all liberals, is also a studly soldier! No Koran-quoting quack is going to shake his unassailable belief in Judeo-Christianity! What will al-Qaeda do when they realize that the biggest failure in presidential election history, a man with nothing to lose, is still unmovably attached to America?

Take that, Osama!

Posted by convener at 08:58 PM

April 01, 2005

Message to ABB Liberals

Over the last several weeks, Democrats have given Bush another year's worth of funding for occupying Iraq, helped pass draconian bankruptcy "reform," and even managed to come along for the Terri Schiavo ride. These are all major betrayals, if that term can be applied in a case when the perpetrator never made any pretense of doing otherwise.

Semantics aside, several prominent figures from last year's Anybody-But-Bush "movement" have begun producing searing indictments of the Democratic Party for being pro-imperialist and pro-corporate. Progressive editor Matthew Rothschild even called a bunch of Senate Democrats "spineless" (oh snap!). We here at ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to deliver our own message to the ABB liberals who spent all of last year telling people to vote for these creatures without spines: Until They Invent Time Travel--Shut the Fuck Up.

When humans finally come to master the temporal stream, then the ABB liberals can make good on their insight-come-lately by travelling back in time and arguing against themselves, or at least keeping themselves physically detained in undisclosed locations. Even better, they could travel back to 1968 or 1936 and obstruct/assassinate their fellow lesser-evildoers. Until then, ReverseVoteSwap.org isn't very impressed by all this ritual cavilling. We fully expect, as soon as 2006, to be betrayed--if that term can be applied in a case when the perpetrator never made any pretense of doing otherwise.

Posted by convener at 05:43 PM

ACTION ALERT: Demand Media Circus to Save Pope!

Friends, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God--colloquially, the fuckin' Pope--is near death. Catholic doctrine teaches us that death is the Superlative Spooky of human existence, when St. Peter reviews the record of one's personal transgressions and almost surely condemns one to eternal damnation, inasmuch as two millenia worth of Catholicism have rendered almost everything a sin. Thus it is imperative to extend biological life to the maximum extent possible--only in this way can one get the edge on God.

We're all aware of how John Paul courageously intervened in the case of Terri Schiavo, a person about whom he knew nothing, to keep her alive for many more years of vegetative food-consumption. That didn't pan out, but we here at ReverseVoteSwap.org are determined to return the favor.

We are asking all our loyal readers to send the following letter to your Senators and Representative. Together with politicians and media desperate not to talk about a nation going down the tubes, we can save the Pope!

Dear Sir or, Rarely, Madam:

The Pope, who commands the ca$h money and votes of a billion Catholics, is dying from complications of being extremely, extremely old. This is not natural! Why isn't the Congress doing more?

News agencies report that the Pope is being fed through a nose tube. Could not more tubes be inserted into the Supreme Pontiff to guarantee his continued existence? Why aren't the other bodily holes being utilized: the navel, the anus, the newly-installed throat-hole, etc? As political leaders of a modern republic, do you not believe in miracles, magic elixers, extraterrestrial assistance, and the restorative power of water drunk directly from the Holy Grail? For shame!

I demand, as your constituent, that you immediately take steps to initiate a crazy media circus to rally all the crazies to defend the Culture of Bare Physiological Existence.

Sincerely,
[Your Name Here]
Supporter, League for a ReverseVoteSwap.org

Posted by convener at 04:42 PM